Friday Night Double Feature: Problem Child

So that everyone is in on the joke – my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby son this week, which has taken my attention away from all things DVD for a few days as I get acclimated to a whole new family dynamic. As such, this column was written in advance, especially set up to run the week our son arrived.

One of the great things about having a child is you start thinking about all of the possibilities that are out there for them. At that moment of birth, they could become anything from a janitor to President of the United States. It’s a daunting feeling, as well as an exciting one.

But not all possibilities are good, as the movies have shown us repeatedly. Not every child grows up to become something good. Heck, some of them can be downright evil, literally. So here’s a Double Feature of kids that I hope my son doesn’t wind up being like. They may be entertaining in movies, but keep them out of my home please.

Rosemary’s Baby

I love Rosemary’s Baby as a movie. It’s compelling and a well drawn out mystery where something that should be a happy occasion suddenly turns dark and mysterious. I especially love the twisted way the ending plays out, which I won’t spoil for those of you who haven’t seen the movie. All praise of the movie aside, isn’t this just a freaky concern to have about your own child – it being brought to life to become a sacrifice to a coven of Satanic followers – or, as it turns out, something much worse? Or is it all just a case of a paranoid mother? My wife has had her concerns throughout her pregnancy, but thankfully Satanic rituals hasn’t been one of them. Watching this movie might put that concern in there, so I think this is a Double Feature I won’t watch with my loved one… at least not until my son is a little older and these kinds of concerns can pass by.

The Omen (1976)

Much like Rosemary’s Baby, the child being born here is bringing on the end of the world, this time in the form of the antichrist. I think of the two I love The Omen more (the original, not the remake) because we get to see the child grow up a little bit. We get to see a very awkward mix of innocence and devilish behavior. All children have their misbehavior, but I’ll certainly start to get worried if black rottweilers and suicidal nursemaids show up at my door. The chilling image of that suicide (“It’s all for you Damien”) is forever burned in my mind, particularly the look on the boy’s face when it occurs – not surprise, but not passive ignorance either. The worst thing about The Omen is that it’s pretty much destroyed the name Damien for all of time. Oh well, at least we got Michael Damien doing his best to counter that.

Other problem children: Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (he grows up to be the Dark Lord of the Sith and he’s whiny), The Good Son (this is why Macaulay Culkin gets left Home Alone), The Exorcist (good child hanging out with the wrong crowd),Problem Child (only the first one, and only with some substance assistance), Clifford (more assistance needed)

Enjoy our Double Feature suggestions? and maybe we’ll use them in a future column.