Miss March (Unrated Edition)

When Miss March was released in, well, March 2009, you probably watched one of the numerous commercials or trailers out and thought, “My god, that movie looks like an unfunny piece of llama dung.” Maybe that was just me, but after watching the DVD, I realized I was being way too generous. Miss March is nothing more than a teen sex comedy. The only thing it’s missing is teens, comedy, and sex. A trifecta! It replaces those elements with lots of screaming, unappealing or boring characters, and a running diarrhea joke. Hey look, I accidentally made a pun that is funnier than almost anything in the movie. Seriously, that was an accident.

The movie is the fault of Zach Cregger and Trevor Moore, who co-write, direct, and star as high school friends Eugene Bell (the goody-goody one) and Tucker Cleigh (the sex-crazed jerk.) Eugene is dating the uber-hot Cindi (Raquel Alessi) and they are planning to have sex for the first time on prom night. On the way to meet Cindi, Eugene falls down some stairs in slips into a coma for four years. After Tucker awakens him by hitting him on the head with a bat (hilarious!), Eugene finds out Cindi has become a Playboy Playmate and (what a coincidink) will be at a party at the Playboy Mansion two weeks hence. Since Tucker is on the run from his girlfriend for stupid reasons that aren’t worth explaining, the two begin a drive across the country to reunite Eugene and Cindi.

The plot is sort of immaterial since more has been done, comedy-wise, with less in the past. But Cregger and Moore have created an unfunny movie based on gross out gags, stereotypes, and almost surreal over-the-top antics. Almost nothing results in a laugh and while Cregger’s Eugene is somewhat likeable, Moore’s Cleigh is so annoying, stupid, unfunny, and unlikable, it makes you root against everything the duo is trying to do. This wouldn’t be a problem if the jokes were a little funnier, or funny at all, but they are not. Craig Robinson (Darryl from “The Office”) shows up to help the boys get across country as a rapper called Horsedick.mpeg. His sort of sex and party obsessed rapper is difficult to make fresh and while Robinson gives it a go, he’s hampered by having nothing original to say or do with his character.

The only thing that the young male target audience of this movie wants is hot naked chicks and some stupid jokes. The jokes aren’t funny enough and while the Playboy Mansion provides some hot naked and semi-naked chicks, it’s the unsexiest sex movie ever. Well, maybe not including that Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman movie with the masks. Eugene and Tucker are picked up by lesbian Russians who ask them to drive while the lesbians do it in the back seat. It’s so not hot and the joke that gets worked in with the guys driving while the girls do it in the back is so obvious you can probably figure it out without my explaining it. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Moore and Cregger are part of the comedy sketch troupe “The Whitest Kids U Know.” If I believe what I read on the Internet, and I do, this a reasonably funny and well liked group. Unfortunately, anyone who sees this movie is not going to think “boy, where I can see these guys again.” The problems with the movie even get down to the level of technical incompetence. In at least two scenes, the dialogue in someone’s mouth didn’t match up with the movement of their lips. Apparently, words were changed but they didn’t reshoot or at least use views that didn’t make it so damn obvious.

Here’s a test. A guy who just got out of a coma can’t control his bowels and defecates on the floor in a loud “splat.” Does that make you laugh? If so, you might eek some enjoyment from one rental viewing of this pile of junk. Otherwise, stay away. I was really happy to see that the extras on this DVD were especially pitiful. I would have hated to give the DVD a slightly higher rating based on some interesting or funny extras and have someone think about taking a chance on this junk. There are about five minutes of extras, total, and no commentary track. Considering the two creator/stars are professional comedy guys, maybe they would add some entertainment value on the commentary, but alas we’ll never know.

The disc includes both the theatrical version of the film and the “unrated” version. I didn’t see this in the theater, so I don’t know what was added with the additional four minutes of “unrated’ footage. As mentioned previously, nothing is particularly sexy and even the nudity is almost non-existent, but there are four more minutes in there somewhere, so I’d recommend watching the theatrical version, so you’re done quicker.

Two of the extras are “viral videos,” each less 2 minutes long, that were probably produced to help market the movie prior to release in the theater. It worked well if the $4 million total box office is any indication. They are mock auditions by two other of “The Whitest Kids U Know” for parts in the movie. They are actually somewhat funny and 90 minutes of these mock auditions would be infinitely more entertaining than the movie itself.

The other extra is a fake behind the music-ish feature about Horsedick.mpeg. It’s around two minutes and is about as funny as anything else in the movie, meaning not very. Again, I like Craig Robinson and I don’t think it’s his fault this whole project is a steaming pile.

The movie is not funny, it’s not “hot,” it’s really terrible. Don’t rent it, buy it, or watch it for free when it comes on television in a few years.