The Whole Ten Yards

It’s become standard fare in Hollywood, especially for Warner Brothers: If a movie makes a profit, regardless of what it is, milk it - milk it for every single penny you can get for it. In 2002 they milked Analyze This giving us Analyze That. This to That proved that it wasn't “all that” when the flick both tanked and sucked simultaneously. It's now two years later and has Warner Brothers learned their lesson? Nope. Now they've stretched an extra yard out of their 2000 hit The Whole Nine Yards to try and make a quick buck. Alas, this becomes strike two. Ocean’s 12 had better knock one out of the park if they want to build a case for all this sequel whoring. For the most part, the gang is all back, sans the dead ones, in this comical pre-summer ticking time bomb. Bruce Willlis returns as the notorious hitman Jimmy “The Tulip” Tudeski. Returning to his side is his trusty and nervous-as-hell sidekick Oz, as played by “Friends” star Matthew Perry. Oz and “The Tulip” meet up again four years after their last hijinks, for, get this - even more hijinks. Can you believe it? The end result will possibly leave you in stitches...because by the time you’re through with this film you’ll most likely want to slice open your own throat.

When we last left these characters, Jimmy and Jill (Amanda Peet) were off to spend their new found money on Jimmy’s retirement while Cynthia (Natasha Henstridge) and Oz were soon to be wed. Well fast-forward four years - Cynthia and Oz are married and Oz is now a home security nut. He’s so paranoid these days, he even pulls a gun on a girl scout selling cookies. Jimmy "the Tulip" is another story. Trading in Canada for Mexico, Jimmy has become remarkably domesticated in the past few years. He has become a stereotypical housewife while Jill goes out on jobs, botching her hits. Jimmy and Jill are brought out of hiding when they learns that Laslo Gogolak (Kevin Pollack), father of Nine Yards victim Janni Gogolak (also Pollack), gets out of prison and kidnaps Cynthia. While Cynthia is held captive, Jill and Jimmy bicker back and forth over his libido and Oz continues to be afraid. From there, your guess is as good as mine.

At some point this flick just got to be too much. There were way too many characters, and several of the minor ones got a lot more screen time than they should have. The plot disgustingly floats around all over the place like a piss stream in a space shuttle. Motives are jumbled and thrown at us from all sides. By the time the movie is over it’s hard to tell what we've just seen.

The entire flick reeks of being the kind of film where “the entire cast had fun”. In fact, it appears the cast were all so busy having fun, they phoned in the entire movie, as did the film’s writer and director. George Gallo must have written the script in Chinese brail; how else can one elucidate his appalling pages of prose? Howard Deutch has deteriorated as a director. His debut film was the “Brat Pack” classic Pretty in Pink. After that he graduated to such great cinematic achievements like Getting Even with Dad and The Replacements. I give him one more bomb before he starts having to eat Spaghetti-os out of the garbage for nourishment.

The Whole Nine Yards is a very funny film. Bruce Willis, Matthew Perry, Amanda Peet, Natasha Henstridge, and Kevin Pollack all were really great and hilarious in the original. The five returned for the The Whole Ten Yards and lightening just did not strike twice. All of the cast are halfway decent actors, but the magic is now gone because we've seen the wizard’s tricks. I don’t know about you guys, but I have seen the last I want to of this wizard, and “Oz”! Warner Brothers thought it wise to only include a theatrical trailer and a commentary with this travesty of a film. That's it - No special version of the film that was set for release in late 2003, no deleted scenes, and no featurettes. With such a crap movie, the commentary needed to be like “Mystery Science Theater 3000”.

Instead, (not surprisingly), the commentary is crap. It actually makes the movie a lot worse. The 98 minutes spent by director Howard Deutch and screenwriter George Gallo talking about the film plays a lot like a confession. They openly admit to making half the stuff up on the spot while shooting the film. They talk about how they would re-shoot and add a whole bunch of stuff, which led to a delay on the film, lasting over six-months. At least they sort of admit the movie sucks, but without actually saying it. Not shockingly, they spend time singing the praises of Willis and Perry as if they were absolute gods of the industry.

So that’s it. There are no other extras on this disc, which I have no problem with. The quicker I was able to purge my being of this movie, the better. Instead of renting this DVD, go watch Deutch’s Pretty in Pink again. Soak up the James Spader and Andrew Dice Clay goodness without having to watch Natasha Henstridge sniff old lady farts.

Old Lady Farts? Don’t even ask...