Armored tinfoil hat? Check. Flameproof shield? Double Check. Titanium-lead flameproof jockstrap with Dorito Pope-certified anti-butthurt protection? Triple check. It looks like it's time to get this show on the road.
The Xbox One is now the third and final eighth generation home console on the market, competing with Sony's hardware-superior PlayStation 4 and Nintendo's software-superior Wii U. While we already have proof of the former, proof of the latter comes into play when comparing the Metacritic scores of Xbox One launch titles and Wii U launch titles.
First up, let's compare the definitive launch titles for both the Xbox One and Wii U. This would be Ryse and Nintendo Land, respectively.
Ryse: Son of Rome, the Crytek designed and Microsoft published hack-and-QTE title, manages an average of 60 out of 100 on Metacritic, with a user rating of 5.5.
Nintendo Land, a Nintendo game made by Nintendo for Nintendo, managed a 77 out of 100 on Metacritic, with a user rating of 7.7.
Nintendo cleaned so much house in the Nintendo Land and Ryse match-up, you would have thought they were the Merry Maids service of interactive entertainment.
Next up is Forza Motorsport 5 and New Super Mario Bros. U. Both of these titles are the sub-definitive launch titles for their respective systems, carrying the sequel-mantle of their publishing overlords and hoping to keep old-school brand loyalists, loyal.
Forza 5, Turn 10 Studios and Microsoft's always-reliable brand exclusive racing title, scored 82 out of 100 on Metacritic, with a user rating of 5.2.
New Super Mario Bros. U, Nintendo's bread and butter brand, scored 84 out of 100 on Metacritic, with a user rating of 8.0.
Once again, Nintendo pulls out a decisive victory over Microsoft where it counts, edging out the long-running racing series by digging deep and using old-school nostalgia to win over the masses.
Up next, we have Zoo Tycoon and Little Inferno. They're like the ugly little bastard kids that both companies needed to flesh out the launch line-up of both the Xbox One and Wii U. Heck, these games aren't even native exclusives, whoring themselves out to sub-platforms like a mid-tier movie star hamming it up in a direct-to-DVD schlock fest to pay for their kid's rehab, to keep tabloid media from selling a dirty old sex-tape and to grab a few extra ounces of Jamaican-cut cocaine from the resident West Hollywood dealer.
Zoo Tycoon, the red-headed stepchild of Xbox One launch titles, managed a 71 out of 100 on Metacritic, with a user rating of 4.7.
Little Inferno, the eShop riffraff no one remembers, scored 79 out of 100 on Metacritic, with a user rating of of 7.3.
Even when comparing trash, Nintendo still manages to edge out the competition. That's the true sign of greatness right there.
Last but not least is the one match-up everyone has been waiting for. This is the main event, the big gig, the Wrestlemania of Metacritic showdowns: Dead Rising 3 versus ZombiU. How do the two post-apocalyptic, zombie launch titles match-up in the critical consensus? Let's see...
Dead Rising 3, Capcom Vancouver's and Microsoft's undead love child, topped the charts with a 78 out of 100 on Metacritic, with a user rating of 4.7.
ZombiU, Ubisoft's contribution to the launch of Nintendo's eighth gen console, leveled out at 77 out of 100 on Metacritic, with a user rating of 7.5.
While Dead Rising 3 takes an almost unclear victory over ZombiU, technically if we add up every user point in the difference as a half-point (since user ratings suffer credibility perfidy), technically that would put ZombiU up to 80.75, and we would round that out to 81. If we applied the same method to Dead Rising 3, that would put the final score to 80.35, and rounding it out to the nearest whole would equate to 80. Sadly, Dead Rising 3 comes up short of ZombiU in totality. But we have to give it a good effort for trying.
As the numbers show, the Wii U completely obliterates the Xbox One in launch titles when it comes to the Metacritic scores. Gameplay over graphics? Well, the Wii U wins out.
With more 1080p 60fps games than the competition, this decisively means that the Wii U has beaten both the PS4 and Xbox One where it counts... the games. This makes the Wii U the indisputable winner of the eighth generation when it comes to launch titles and next-gen gaming capabilities.