I don't know if you guys have noticed this, but we're currently experiencing a Michael Bay-free summer. And thank God for it. Yes, Michael Bay has brought us plenty of great entertainment in the past, but this summer's big blockbusters are actually leaving room for something a little different than the Bay-Bruckheimer mold-- the easy-breezy humor of Iron Man, the old-fashioned stuffiness of Indiana Jones, the weird wizardry of Guillermo del Toro in Hellboy, and, oh, some dark movie about a guy who runs around in a cape and likes bats.
Spill.com has their take on what that last particular movie would have looked like if the Transformers director had gotten his hands on it-- yes, The Dark Knight written by Michael Bay. And, of course, it looks nothing like what we expect Dark Knight to look like, but more like a car commercial with a lot of nudity and explosions. You know, pretty much like Transformers. Choice lines from the excerpted “screenplay” include (speaking about Rachel Dawes) “We pan to a beautiful woman: platinum blonde with a huge rack. She is the hottest woman in the world, but she wears glasses because she is also the smartest woman in the world.” Then, of course, there's this key exchanged between Batman and Pentagon officials when he decides how to stop the terrorists, who have teamed up with the Joker:
“Bruce: We hack the internet.
Alfred: Hack the internet?
Bruce: Yes, hack the internet.
General: No one's ever hacked the internet before.
Bruce: Well, there's a first time for everything.
General: Okay, I like it. But which one of the internets do we hack?
Bruce: All of them.
Oh, Michael Bay, dear dear Michael Bay. On this Fourth of July-- doubtlessly one of Bay's favorite holidays-- please raise a beer and a skewer full of meat to Michael Bay, who couldn't be with us this summer, but will surely be back in the future to show us naked chicks driving fast cars that somehow-- somehow!-- will explode by the end. He's no Christopher Nolan, but really, bless him for that.