Parental Guidance Suggests You Never Say Die

Welcome back to another Parental Guidance column. Before we get started, I feel the need to define what a column is due to the consistent number of people on the Cinema Blend Facebook page who, after each column, reply by saying, "You already ran this story" or "He did this with another movie."

The dictionary defines a column as "a regular feature or series of articles in a newspaper, magazine, or the like... that reports or comments upon a particular field of interest." So to catch up the new readers, I crafted a plan to make my 15-year-old daughter, Allie, watch movies of my choice. While she is a pretty, smart, young woman, her cinematic expertise is weak. More importantly, I wanted to spend some more quality time with my oldest daughter before she heads off to college in a few years.

That is why the Parental Guidance column exists. I'm documenting the movies I watch with my daughter. Oh who am I kidding? The people who don't understand what a column is don't click links and read stories.

OK, enough of the dictionary lesson. If you want to read past Parental Guidance columns click here . If you would like to make suggestions for future movies to review, follow my new account on Twitter.

The Inspiration

Besides writing Parental Guidance for Cinema Blend, I run a few niche websites. One of these is (shameless plug!). The other day, I received some merchandise to review and one of the pieces was this guy:

Funko Pop Vinyl Sloth

As I was geeking out over the retro styled piece, Allie walks in and asks who the ugly guy was. I quickly replied "Dude, it's Sloth." Sadly the look on her face made it pretty clear that she had never seen The Goonies. This is an example of parental oversight that I knew I needed to correct quickly. In fact, I ordered her to go into the living room immediately. Studying for her yearly exams could wait. I'm not joking. I told her she could study later. (Side note: she made an A on the end of course test. Thank God.)

The Goonies

The Goonies Movie Poster


Normally, I ask Allie questions specifically about the movie in this spot, but she literally had no clue about The Goonies. Nothing. I couldn't say anything that made her make a connection to the movie besides saying one of the kids grew up to be Rudy and Samwise Gamgee. She knew those characters. Today I'm just asking her a few questions to gauge her potential interest in this movie

Allie, we watched Raiders of the Lost Ark in the first edition of Parental Guidance. Do you like that type of movie?

Absolutely. I love the character Indiana Jones and his adventures. It almost makes me want to major in archaeology.

I'm glad you like the movie but you might want to do read up on archaeology before making that your career. Anyways, you mentioned loving adventures. Would you want to go on an adventure like that?

Let's not get crazy here. What do you mean by adventure?

Like if you found a pirate treasure map in our attic. Would you go looking for it?

Dad, what possible reason would we have a pirate treasure map in our attic? My kind of adventure still has 4G service. But to answer your question, I'd probably show it to you and you would go find the treasure.

That's a good point. You do know your Dad. Do you like jewels? What about guys with misshapen heads?

What in the world is this movie about?

I laughed and told her she just had to watch it. She seemed concerned about the movie but I assured her that I thought she would like it a lot. In fact, I brought in my 11 year old daughter, Lindsay, to watch it as well. I was that confident that they would both love the movie.

After the Film

Allie's Thoughts on The Goonies

I love my Dad more than anything in the world but I sometimes lack faith in his movies. When he describes them to me, I can feel my eyebrows lowering to show my skepticism. If there is one thing this column should have taught me by now, it is to trust my Dad's instincts on what he thinks I'll like. May I just say, The Goonies was the first movie in forever that I have actually laughed out loud at. Of all the characters, Chunk is by far my favorite character. I feel wrong laughing at him doing the "Truffle Shuffle," but man, that's good humor right there. The story was fun, and it became more and more exciting as they got closer to the treasure.

"HEEEYYYYY YOUUUU GUUUUYYYYYS!" Sorry, I just felt like saying that in this article somewhere. I literally have been saying this for a week to annoy/entertain my Goonies-deprived friends. After seeing the Sloth action figure, I didn't think I'd like the character so much, but I felt bad for how he was treated by those nasty Fratelli's. We needed a sequel to this with just Sloth and Chunk going on their own adventures.

More than the great characters and the adventure, the best part of this movie was watching it with my Dad. He constantly would tell me a really funny part was coming up and then he would die laughing when it happened. He's a pretty cool old guy. (Maybe he'll let me drive his car more for admitting that?)

After the film, I had a few questions for Allie.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much did you like The Goonies?

It's a solid 9. It needed more Chunk to get a 10. :)

The movie is "old" and can look that way in many scenes. Does that bother you ?

No because I'm your kid. I'm sure many people would pass it by on first glance, but it's their loss!

Would you recommend this movie to your friends?

I definitely will. It's an awesome movie for all ages!

The Goonies Page 3

Dad's Synopsis

I was 11 years old when The Goonies was released. The movie resonated me even at such a young age. I had just moved from a neighborhood with a lot of kids to a house with nary a child in sight. I wanted to be a Goonie so bad. I wanted to go back to my old neighborhood and hang with all my friends. I knew what the Goonies meant about saving their neighborhood. It meant saving their friendships as well. Friendships just aren't the same when you don't see your buddies every day. Especially during the days before the internet and smart phones, moving across town was almost as traumatic as moving across the country. That might be a touch of hyperbole, but that's how a 11 year old reacts to things. Don't get me started over my anger when Manimal was cancelled.

Beyond friendships, Goonies also has what every young boy (and I assume girl) craves at some point: adventure. Treasure maps, bad guys, inventions, pirate ships, and treasure. I remember daydreaming about finding a hidden map in our attic or installing a zip line from my 2nd floor bedroom window to the old tree behind our house. I made my own treasure maps to set off on my own Goonies adventure but my parents put a kebosh on the zip line.

To many of my readers, I am sure this might seem silly to get so excited about The Goonies. I didn't major in psychology, but some movies come out at just the right time to make a deeper connection with you. That connection won't always be strong. It won't always impact as you as much but my love of Goonies has just been rekindled. If you would like to see more of that pretty awesome toy I posted early, check out this link.

Parental Guidance will be back in two weeks when Allie and I will have to go shopping. I'm pretty sure I'll need a bigger boat.