The Talented Mr. Ripley

Ever hit your funny bone on the edge of a table? Try doing it repeatedly until you pass out. You have just experienced the equivalent of The Talented Mr. Ripley starring Matt Damon.

The Talented Mr. Ripley is the story of a closet homosexual named Tom Ripley, who also happens to be a compulsive liar and a psychotic maniac, and his boy toy companion "Dickie". Wait... it gets worse. The first half of the film is filled with the delightful antics of this ambiguously gay duo as they wend their way through life ripping off Dickie's father, take baths together, stare at each others asses, and try to convince themselves the straight. Unfortunately for Tom Ripley, Dickie actually succeeds in convincing himself and asks their mutual friend "Marge" to marry him.

The second act opens with the first half of the ambiguously gay duo, Mr. Ripley, becoming less and less ambiguously gay and more and more FLAMINGLY gay as he begins to feel neglected by Dickie and spends long hours longing for his company. Eventually, he resorts to bitch slapping Dickie, and Dickie responds in kind. It’s at this point that Mr. Ripley, let's call him "Ace" decides to bitch slap Dickie, we'll call him "Gary", with an oar. Resulting in "Gary's" death. From there the movie becomes less of a homoerotic love story and more of a homoerotic thriller as Mr. Ripley embarks on a killing spree, bitch slapping people to death all across fair Italy, and taking on the identity of his dead obsession Dickie.

I'd tell you how it ends, but frankly if I have to spend any more time thinking about this film I am quite likely to throw up. The Talented Mr. Ripley is a shallow, meaningless attempt to portray homosexuals as sick demented perverts and deluded heterosexuals. I'm surprised there haven't been protests.

It tries to be a provocative and intelligent thriller, but only succeeds in making Hitchcock role over in his grave. Not only will you not enjoy watching the Talented Mr. Ripley, but should you make the mistake of renting it, you will find yourself scared to ever rent anything else again. I recommend going to your local video store and demanding that they remove it from their shelves... if only to ensure that they don't see a sudden drop in their overall sales among customers who rent it