At the beginning of the episode, we saw Juan Pablo standing in front of a beautiful Vietnamese vista, proclaiming he was “ready to take it to the next level.” Do we think he realized how literal that would be going into this episode of ABC’s The Bachelor? But without getting too ahead of ourselves, Juan Pebbles and his harem of minnows — “he travels and we follow!” proclaimed the one — traversed to Vietnam following their South Korean adventures. There were circular boats, a bevy of tears, and a trip to Hell. Take a good, long look at it folks: this is what we’ve become.

The episode (as opposed to other weeks — oh wait just kidding) was all about Clare. Her persistence, coupled with Juanie P’s libido, landed them both in the ocean after midnight, where they proceeded to allude to the couple doing the kind of bouncing in waves that takes a different sorta ocean motion, if yannow what I mean. Mr. “I can’t kiss too many girls it’ll totally make me look bad even though I kiss all of the girls all the time” decided to forgo any sort of attempt at making this look like some sort of reputable attempt at finding love (which, ha) in the name of getting it in. At least that’s what the show led the audience to believe with all their vagaries and intricate cutting. Either they’re playing coy for the cameras because “it’s a family show” or the editors had a field day. It’s all a cavalcade of crazy.

But first there was Renee and her one-on-one play date with Juan Pablo — emphasis on the ‘play’ more so than the ‘date,’ given our Bachelor’s status as a total manchild. As the two have what could only be described as one of the more privileged and oblivious culture-commodifying dates around, the two single parents blissfully tooled around the city taking selfies and having clothes made for Renee. JP was infinitely curious about her bust size. Their whole affair was a first world white person vacation. Apparently all it takes are the purchasing of gifts for her son (and herself!) and Renee is smitten because money and love are the same, right?

Also sidebar: Must there always be a lantern in the sky and/or sky scene on this show?

Nurse Nikki had the other one-on-one where she was led to the mouth of Hell and asked to belay into it. The whole thing was fairly uneventful considering they spent all their time in caves, proselytizing about how lowering yourself into a pit called Hell is a lot like love. (Hey: maybe with JP it is. ZING! Nailed it.) Ultimately Nikki redeemed herself in the Bachelor’s eyes and she got the rose.

After that, though, came the group date. Or, more realistically, Clare’s One-on-One, co-starring a bunch of other people. Because Clare doesn’t have any friends in the house, you see, so aww shucks she had to share her circle boat with Juan Pebbles rather than another girl in the house. Andi was pissed; Kelly, Dog Lover was having none of it. And the duo had the audacity to, while momentarily marooned on a bit of water-based vegetation, make out a bunch. After a dinner at a family home that the girls helped pick themselves, it was back to the house for drinks and continued mayhem.

Because that’s where the shenanigans took a turn for the sandy. Juan Pablo grabbed Clare first and the duo spent a good portion of time together, swimming and kissing and just generally being all horned up for one another. She, duh, got the rose from the group date and went about her day…until 1AM when she decided to knock on his door and bring him out into the ocean and cement the deal.

The next day, these two prizefighters that clearly deserve each other, ended up bringing a bunch of drama on themselves by not accepting the reality of the situation in the harsh light beaming off Chris Harrison’s maniacal pearly whites. Juan Pablo doesn’t want the other girls to find out (duh), so now he backtracks on his decision to go down to the beach with Clare, pulling out his “I have a daughter” card in the most despicable of ways. This, naturally, sent Clare into an emotional tailspin of guilt and confusion: she cried, he tossed the word “fairness” around a lot; it was all pretty gross. Leading us to believe that Clare and Juan Pablo most assuredly deserve each other.

Here’s hoping the girls find out about what happened, eh? It’ll be Ben and Courtney all over again but probably/maybe worse.

Oh, and three girls were sent home tonight: Alli (a.k.a. Not Andi), Danielle, and Kelly, Dog Lover. Until the next reality show appearance, girls.
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