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I'm a Jersey boy, born and bred. There's many reasons to take pride in this fact.The Jersey Shore, friends, is not one of them. It's a horrible addiction, like egg mcmuffins, or tanning. You know it'll kill you, but you can't resist the orange glow it gives you.

So, around ten pm, I sit down to watch tonight's fist-pumptravaganza. I grab the remote, and turn it on to MTV. And my soul makes a noise that sounds something like this:


Meanwhile, on The Jersey Shore:

We get a recap on the civilization-leveling mess of last season. It's like watching a forest fire; I can't look away. At the end of all of that, we're told that the winters in New Jersey are cold, and Miami is hot, so this is where we are going. Well, it's as good an excuse as any. Sorry, Miami.

Pauly D and The Situation are road-tripping down to Miami together, racing to get to the house before the girls. I kept hoping they'd make a wrong turn somewhere near West Virginia and we'd get a very special reenactment of Deliverance. But no, no we didn't. These boys swap stories of hookups while somehow gazing longingly at one another's bronze biceps. It's a little bit less Jersey Shore and and a little bit more Brokeback Beach. Cut elsewhere to Vinny--Vinny's excited. He sort of looks like someone gave a mildly Italian squirrel some cocaine and just let it run loose in a gym. It's both a little hyperenergetic and sort of yawntastic, all at once.

Now let's check in on the girls. Snooki's found a gorilla juicehead of her own, Emilio. She plans on cheating on him the minute someone sprays her with some SoCo or shines the hairbump signal in the sky or whatever. Jenni complains that the boys got the rooms first last season and vows to beat them this time. It's like Road Rules! Now with The Clap!

Stopping at a restaurant somewhere in the south, Snooki tries fried pickles for the first time. She may have a religious experience while eating one. Then a cute guy cozies up to Snooki and Jenni who happens to be a little bit southern-fried, they call him a sister-f*cker and ask him if he fist pumps. He never has, but he's game to try. The boy embarrasses himself adorably, and the girls make a bee-line for the door. If I want Deliverance to happen to the boys, can Wrong Turn happen to the girls? It's all I want for Christmas this year, Jesus. Please.

Meanwhile, the boys get their SUV stuck in some mud. AAA comes to rescue them, and also gets stuck. Hijinx ensue. I perceive this as a highly layered metaphor for this show--once you get stuck in its filth, you, too, are drawn in, until you're also feeling dirty and experiencing an awful burning sensation somewhere near the Netherlands. We call THAT "the Situation," ladies. Lesson learned, I hope.

Oh, I almost forgot. Angelina gets a bikini wax. This is somehow the most normal thing that happens in the first fifteen minutes.

Angelina refers to her appearance this season as a "surprise." We expect you to show up again, my dear, no matter what. It's like herpes. I can draw you a diagram, if need be.

Oh, hey! The Situation and Pauly D arrive at the house first, and that awful new Enrique Iglesias song is playing in the background, which is somehow only the 47th greatest atrocity in the show thus far. The boys arrive first--rooms claimed, drama is all set up to go boom...

Angelina arrives next. She sort of looks like someone stuck a marmoset in that machine from The Fly. The boys are super-happy to see her, and give her big hugs while TOTALLY TRASHING her in the confessional interviews. Awkward! Then Situation makes his WTF face, which I hope we see more of. He's like our Greek Chorus, if the Greek Chorus spent the whole summer eating paint chips.

Angelina wants to sleep with Sitch and Pauly. We're a little early in the season for threesomes, but the boys say "okay." Pauly implies that he's all for a hookup with her, and Angelina casually reminds America and the boys that she's hooked up with both of them. Round of applause, Angie!

That's my second clap joke, and we're not even done with the first episode. Oh my.

Sammi's next, Angelina opens the door, Sammi's a little awkward-asaurus, and the DRAMA EXPLODES ALREADY. Angie heads off to bitch to the Sitch, and the Situation is all "yeah yeah yeah" but in his confessional he's all "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

Sammi lets us know she's still got feelings for Ronnie as a guitar gently strums. What's it like to be dead inside, Sam?

Vinny gleefully romps into the house. He makes some crack about Angelina not having brains. America cheers.

Ronnie arrives. The boys make gorilla noises. Sammi plays with her hair and looks distraught. The guitar continues to strum. They awkwardly hug. Pauly D makes some snide commentary. Vinny actually SAYS awkward, which is the pot calling the kettle ridiculous. Then we have a heated debate between the housemates about whether a bikini wax results in a landing strip or racing stripe. I am never eating again, dear reader. Thanks, MTV.

Jenni and Snooki arrive, and Angelina is all HISSSSS and the other girls are all GRRRRRRR and the boys are all OOOOOO and then I think someone sprays or shows their hindquarters or whatever these folks do in the animal kingdom and everyone goes off to talk behind each other's backs like educated ladies.

Sammi and Snooki have the first drinks of the season. It's like opening the door to the gates of hell. No going back now, Shore-goers! The booze now flows like...booze.

Jenni, by the way, is wearing a ravishing dress that sort of looks like a tequila sunrise as dispensed via a cotton candy machine which spins it allll around her. Delectable.

She then breaks a shelf, and Ronnie's stuff falls all over Sammi's (SUBTEXT!), mixing them together. It's a Katrina level tragedy, and everyone runs around washing things and crying and rending garments and cursing the fates. Then Snooki makes a vaguely racist or at least culturally insensitive servant impression as she hoists a bag of Sammi's newly washed laundry over her shoulder. She utters this gem: "I feel like a pilgrim from the 1920's washing clothes in a sink." My head explodes right

Then everyone pregames and there's a getting-ready-to-go-out montage and Pauly D calls some cabs and there's no shortage of hair-gel or visible nipples. Ah, nostalgia. Some things never change.

Everyone crams into two vehicles--guys and girls. Sammi opens her heart to the girls about her feelings for Ronnie. The four girls share, but refuse to make eye contact. Meanwhile, the oompa loompa song from Willy Wonka is screaming through my head at an unimaginable volume. Somehow, this escalates into a girls-versus-Angelina fight, and there's screaming and running in heels. My inner RuPaul is all DRAG RACE! DRAG RACE! DRAG RACE! but these girls don't really qualify, because I suspect they'd be terrible at tucking.

Everyone ends up at a club named Ocean's Ten (wordplay! So Clever!) with the girls going all "Regina George" at Angelina. Ronnie and Sammi start fighting, and Sammi's wearing some serious sunglasses at night, and Ronnie starts bobbing his head and dropping insults. And maybe he cries a little bit. Also, I think he drinks a smoothie.

Then everyone gets back in the car, and the fight continues. Vinny lets us know that Ronnie was "obliviated" (someone took the SATS!) and then Ronnie calls Sammi the c-word (Crazy? Cunning? Curmudgeonly? I don't understand) and Ronnie laughs about the whole situation in a confessional and lets us know he plans on scoring with as many people as possible. Oh, I remember the c-word now! "Classy." As in, "Ronnie is classy."

Speaking of which, the boys are at their next stop, and Ronnie starts dancing with some women who make Snooki look like Giselle. Think about it. Sammi continues to tell us via confessional how much she loves Ronnie, which makes me worry she has some sort of severe vision disorder in addition to her emotional problems.

Then, Ronnie decides he wants to find out what some girl's esophagus tastes like, and BOOM, his tongue is down her throat. This is inappropriate CPR technique, Ronnie. FYI.

We get a trailer for the rest of the season, where Vinny apparently sleeps with anything that remotely resembles a vagina. This includes Ronnie.

See you next week. You bring the lack of shame. I'll bring the penicillin. We'll get through this together.

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