The season finale of ‘Big Brother: All Stars’ was a total train wreck. This was pretty much to be expected. With the faux-mance, Erika and Mike “Boogie” seated in the final two, we should’ve been prepared for a deliciously awkward finale. It’s likely that most fans were hoping that the producers would find a way to spice up the last episode to make up for a very disappointing final two. Instead of trying to re-rail the train that was the “All Stars” season, they decided to go full speed ahead.

Most would agree that the ideal final two in the All Stars season of the show would be Will and Janelle. This season, Will proved once again that he really is the master of manipulation while Janelle kept her game face on almost to the very end with a record-breaking number of competition wins. Unfortunately, neither was able to make it to the final two. Instead we were left with Will’s sidekick, Mike and floater-extraordinaire, Erika.

The episode began with a video recap of the entire season then followed with the jury waiting to see who would be the final evicted houseguest. Janelle showed up looking stunning in a little red dress and the jury did a bit of pre-trial deliberation. It was pretty clear that with the exception of Howie and Marcellas, the gang was favoring Boogie, or more specifically, Chill Town. As I expected, Mike would basically be getting all of the credit for Will’s efforts this season. It was no shock that Howie didn’t want Boogie to win. After his explosive exit from the house, in which Boogie told Howie to “get ta steppin”, Howie was having a hard time giving Boogie credit for anything.

The jury got to ask Erika and Mike questions. Will and Boogie got to do one last phone call and the final two houseguests got called out for their betrayals by the scorned evictees. The questioning took place last Saturday so feed-watchers were able to get an idea of how things went. Boogie was clearly doing his best to sell Erika down the river with a bit of head shaking and eye rolling in her direction. It was hard to take him seriously though because he was wearing that ridiculous Chill Town jersey. Boogie, for the future, real men don’t wear shirts with glitter on them.

Following the questioning, the houseguests came out onto the stage to applause from the audience and took their seats. At Julie’s prompt, each houseguest stepped up and said their peace to the final two, which were still inside the house and watching through a monitor. Howie made sure to tell Erika that he believed she was America’s least favorite houseguest and just as the audience showed their disagreement, he made everyone laugh by plugging his website. The other comments were mildly congratulatory and vague. Danielle said she was voting for the ultimate floater, which I personally thought, was Erika but I’ll get to that later.

Before Julie announced the winner, they brought out the pre-sequestered houseguests. Kaysar, Allison, Diane, Jase and Nakomis took seats opposite the jury. Julie asked Kaysar if there’s anything he’d like to reveal to the houseguests. Kaysar said yes and told Janelle, politely (almost too politely) that someone came into the house with a chip on his shoulder and made things very personal. Then he pointed to James.

We were all treated to clips of James saying some really mean things about Janelle behind her back and in the Diary room. Janelle stayed composed but James looked completely embarrassed with a total deer-caught-in-the-headlights look on his face. He tried to defend himself with all that babbling about it just being a game and strategy and betrayed alliances but the damage was pretty much done. There’s not much back-peddling that can be done after you’ve been outed for calling a girl a “fat piece of sh*t”.

The above was just the beginning of the train wreck though. The train that was this finale had only begun to derail at that point. When Julie asked Allison what she would like to reveal, Allison said she’d like to tell Erika how Boogie played her. Julie gave Allison her wish. After Allison congratulated Boogie (still in the house, looking in on the monitor) for playing Erika, the final two got to sit through the video clips of Boogie calling Erika a “ho” and his laughter at messing with her head and “using her up” to get to the end. Like Janelle, Erika kept her cool but it was evident that she was mortified. As I was watching this all I could think was “If I was that girl, I would’ve punched him in the face on live television and walked out”

The blows weren’t quite finished for Erika. The votes were revealed and with 6 votes to 1, Mike “Boogie” won ‘Big Brother: All Stars’. Boogie was visibly eager to get out of the house (and away from Erika) to collect all the glory he seemed to think was rightfully his. Just when I felt the vomit rise in my throat at seeing Boogie win ‘Big Brother: All Stars’, Julie announced that Janelle had won the America’s Choice award of $25,000. That plus the sequester money will put her winnings above second place. Poor Erika.

And thus, season 7 ends with a loser for a winner. Here are a few comments I have that I couldn’t squeeze into the recap without avoiding run-on sentences and tangents:

1. I define “floater” as someone who “floats” towards whoever is in power. They’re in no real alliances and they make no solid commitments. They vote however everyone else is voting, avoid winning competitions and generally try not to be a part of any drama (lots of nods and sympathetic facial expressions whenever someone is ranting about someone else). Boogie was not a floater. He was a leech. There’s a difference. Will has said numerous times on the feeds that he wouldn’t do the show unless the producers cast Boogie. Boogie was evicted week 4 in season 2 and was by no means an “All Star”. It is in this writers opinion that had it not been for Will, not only would he not have made it onto the show, he would never have gotten as far in the game as he did. Chill Town didn’t float to a win. They formed alliances, lied to people left and right and manipulated the game to get them to the end. That’s not floating, that’s playing the game.

2. Poor Erika! I was not an Erika fan nor do I believe she worked hard enough throughout the season to deserve a spot in the final two but she did get there so she does deserve some credit. That being said, I felt genuinely sorry for her for having to sit through those clips of Boogie making fun of her and laughing at the whole situation. As hard as it must’ve been for her to learn that, I can’t imagine having to sit there on live TV and find out that way. It was like one of those ‘Ricki Lake’ episodes where the girl comes on the show thinking she’s getting a free makeover and instead, finds out her man has been sleeping with her sister. What a nightmare for her. And at the same time, I will admit that I did feel entertained by the whole ordeal. I’m not above a little schadenfreude.

3. In terms of looks, all the houseguests were dressed to the nines for the finale but the buxom blonde goddess stole the spotlight in that black dress she wore. Yeah James, Janelle’s a real fatty. Please.

4. Julie Chen’s silk-origami blouse. Where can I buy one of those?

As I said earlier, the ideal final two would’ve been Janelle and Will with Danielle in third place. In terms of “All Stars”, those three played the hardest and managed to stay likable at the same time. All in all though, I can’t say it was a disappointing season. Like season six, despite there being a very unfavorable winner, the season as a whole was extremely entertaining. That being said, I look forward to a totally raw ‘Big Brother’ season next year. Hopefully the producers will do away with twists that involve houseguests knowing each other and have season 8 be like season 2 with people who are total strangers and who aren’t out for fame…just money.

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