Disaster Movie: Cataclysmic Edition (Unrated)

WARNING! There is a natural disaster headed toward a store near you. If you know anyone that is planning to walk into a store that sells DVDs some time in the near future, you must, at all costs, prevent them from walking anywhere near a shelf containing Disaster Movie. Apparently, the sirens, bells and whistles that are supposed to go off when a natural disaster hits land no longer work, and this is the only warning you will receive. Run, run, as fast as you can away from Disaster Movie. The mere stench of this steaming pile of excrement should be enough to keep you away, but I suggest you run to get away even faster. Save yourself, it's already too late for me. The only thing Disaster Movie gets right is calling itself a disaster, even though that barely comes close to describing this cheap-looking, 77 minute (the last 10 minutes of the run-time are dedicated to credits and crappy outtakes) trainwreck filled with unfunny jokes and gags, lame pop culture references, awful celebrity look-alikes, terrible acting, and forgettable musical numbers. The only possible good that may come out of this movie is if high school health classes, organizations promoting abstinence, or abortion clinics start playing this movie for teenagers to show that if they continue on a path to destruction, or opt to have unprotected sex, they run the risk of creating two idiot directors like Aaron Seltzer or Jason Friedberg.

Since Seltzer and Friedberg care as much about the plot as they do about making an entertaining movie, the "story" of Disaster Movie consists of a group of idiots, Calvin (Gary "G. Thang" Johnson), the Enchanted Princess (Nicole Parker), Juney (Crista Flanagan), and Lisa (Kim Kardashian), following around Will (Matt Lanter) as he tries to prevent the End of the World by returning the Crystal Skull to the altar at the Museum of Natural History, where his on-again, off-again girlfriend, Amy (Vanessa Minnillo) works. Anyone that delves further into the so-called storyline of Disaster Movie is either working for the filmmakers, brain dead, likes farm animals, smoking some extremely potent drugs, or is named Kim Kardashian, whose acting skills are not quite as impressive as her ability to balance her ass while wearing high heels. What makes this film so bad and unfunny? I thought you'd never ask. Here are the top 5 disasters of this brutal piece of crap:

1. HURRICANE POP: Friedberg and Seltzer think they're clever by throwing at least one Michael Jackson molesting a child (and/or chimp) reference into all of their movies. I don't know why. It's not like it's 2003 and having MJ in the trunk of Speed Racer's car with a little kid and a chimp is a timely or funny joke. What other pop culture jokes aren't funny? How about having Flava Flav jump out of bed with Will, Minnillo, and a midget named JoJo. How about making fun of Vince Vaughn being bloated, or Jamie Lynn Spears being a young mother (like Juno, who is called Juney in this flick), or kids being stupid for not being able to tell Hannah Montana (Flanagan) and Miley Cyrus are one in the same. In other words, the directors of this lump of dog turd believe in cheap laughs at other people's expense, and the only people laughing are the two idiots who somehow coerced a studio into believing the peanut inside their head actually has creative and witty thoughts (when all it really contains is the crap that didn't come out their asses after dinner the night before).

2. FLOOD OF PRODUCT PLACEMENT: In between all of the childish attempts at humor, there is a large series of product, website, store and restaurant name-dropping. Not only does Amy Winehouse (Parker) pull a Mac computer out of her hive during the opening dream sequence, she also talks about Facebook and Ambien. Only minutes before that, Wolf (Ike Barinholtz), an American Gladiator, talks about Target, Chipotle and Calvin Klein. The advertising doesn't end there, as there are numerous plugs for eBay, Pinkberry, TiVo, Abercrombie & Fitch, Xanex, Prius, AT&T/Cingular, Amazon.com, and those annoying Head On commercials. Why would any of these places allow their names to be associated with this movie? It's not like it'll bring business their way - people actually have to see the movie for that to happen.

3. GROSS OUT TSUNAMI: Terrible gross out humor and immature poop jokes are the signatures of the directors of this slop. Things like a man running head first in a steamy pile of manure, having a plumber's crack running half way up the back, having a bum taking a piss in a bowl of punch, Justin Timberlake (Jonas Neal) catching a pair of underwear from a male model with skidmarks in it, or Winehouse chugging a bottle of gasoline leading into a 1-minute burp session are the dynamic duo's trademark "jokes". Honestly, there may be a time when women running around in bikinis and with one yelling out, "I think I shit myself," could be funny, but in a movie that makes about as much sense as a dogs obsession with pissing on a fire hydrant, it's not all that funny.

4. CELEB TYPHOON: As in their previous failures (Epic Movie, Date Movie, and Meet the Spartans), Seltzer and Friedberg choose to poke fun at people infinitely more successful and talented than they are - whether it's someone well-known 10 years ago like Michael Jackson (Christopher Johnson), or new faces, like those of the Jonas Brothers. Why is it funny to make fun of these people, even if Winehouse and Jessica Simpson (Parker) offer hours of hilarity in real life. Where do these celebrities fit into making a spoof on disaster movies? They don't, which is why every time the terrible Simpson impersonator sings, or the awful Dr. Phil (John Di Domenico) impersonator grabs a woman's ass and calls her a whore, or the High School Musical gang sings about sex, it makes no sense and offers no humor. But, since the two schmucks think they can make a poorly written and ill-conceived joke at another person's expense, why not try? Another thing they should try: Placing their heads in the way of a car door when someone is angrily slamming it shut. Not a good idea? Really? Neither is Disaster Movie.

5. FAMINE OF LAUGHS: If you choose to watch Disaster Movie, you will be treated to a 5-minute sequence devoted to Alvin and the Chipmunks becoming rabid, flesh-hungry beasts. You will be treated to Beowulf (Barinholtz) becoming a gay, antique-loving warrior who fights in the nude. You will be treated to a movie that makes fun of the Academy Award-winning quips of Juno, the boys of Superbad, and Javier Bardem (Barinholtz) in No Country for Old Men, but pays homage to the dance moves in Step Up, and the advice of The Love Guru. You will get to see a movie spoofing disaster movies that only spoofs maybe two or three (Twister, Cloverfield, Armageddon, and, maybe, Earthquake). You will be treated to terrible racial jokes (an announcer says, "The ghetto has just been destroyed ... I can live with that," as a group of black men look upset with the announcement), and other poor attempts at humor, such as a priest chasing after a child. You will get to see Carmen Electra be treated as an object as she mimics Angelina Jolie's character in Wanted, and even wrestles Kim Kardashian in very tight tights. You will be treated to a movie made so cheaply, that the cows that fly out of a twister and kill Iron Man, the Hulk, and various other characters, look and sound as if they are hallow and made of paper mache. You will even be treated to a 3-minute version of "I'm F*cking Matt Damon," which turns into "I'm F*cking Just About Every Celebrity We've S*it on Throughout this Amateur Hour." You will be treated to a movie so devoid of laughter, you may just believe that you're being Punk'd. Scratch that, even Ashton Kutcher is funnier than Disaster Movie. Haven't had enough? Were you not convinced this movie would suck after the DVD kicked off with trailers for My Best Friend's Girl, Good Luck Chuck, and Repo: The Genetic Opera? Do you still need convincing that your IQ will sink merely by holding the disc in your hand? Do you really want to know about the features, or are you just curious as to whether I will continue an all-out assault on Disaster Movie, or if I have found something good to say about it? Let's find out: (I'd like to point out that the features are referred to as "Disastrous" on the back of the DVD box - that may give you a hint as to what's in store.)

The second you go to the special feature section, you may feel like you're able to breathe a little easier because there are only three options: Audio Commentary featuring cast and crew (Friedberg, Seltzer, G. Thang, Minnillo, and Lanter), Featurettes, and "Also from Lionsgate." The only problem is that when you click on Featurettes, a list of eight items come storming down and ruin your day. So, let's just get to the featurettes, since I am assuming no one is stupid enough to re-watch this rancid piece of slop while listening to a group of talentless people, and the hot chick dating Nick Lachey (Minnillo), talk about the making of Disaster Movie.

The first featurette is called "Straight from the Ladies," which is 4-minutes of listening to the ladies of the movie (Flanagan and Parker, mostly) talk about absolutely nothing important while portraying the characters that will not make you laugh during the 77 minutes of the film. I just feel bad for these women. I mean, it starts off that I just thought they might be talented individuals with terrible agents, and now I find out that they're much more annoying and completely talentless. After visiting with the ladies, you can take "G-Thang's Tour." The first thing that came to mind while following G around the set of Disaster Movie is the fact the he truly looks like he could be the result of a one night stand between P. Diddy and Fat Albert. The second thing I realized is the fact that a 10-minute tour of the set of Disaster Movie is kind of lame. It would have been better, and funnier, is if you had this guy give a tour of a good movie, while in costume for Disaster Movie. Then, Mr. G Thang, could have looked at his career, the people he's working with, and come to the conclusion that maybe he should not have paid attention to the people who kept telling him to follow his dreams, and that one day he'd make it in Hollywood.

"This is How We Do It," starts with the film's wrap party and goes into interviews with the Minnillo, Kardashian, Lanter, Electra, G. Thang, and others about their experience shooting Disaster Movie. My favorite part of this feature is listening to Kardashian talk about how much she's learned from the other "actors." Really? It looks like she may have attention deficit disorder, because she didn't learn much. While I don't believe Ms. Kardashian learned anything from her castmates, I learned a few things from watching "Girl Fight," which features the wrestling/Twister match between Kim and Carmen. Kardashian was intimidated to wear "practically nothing" and wrestle Electra, while Carmen "physically got to know" Kim during the shooting of these scenes. Carmen also talks about "getting down in these dirty positions" and being "playful" while feeling one another, and, "moaning," and ... yeah, it's a feature about Carmen Electra and Kim Kardashian rolling around in tights and high heels.

"Sitting Down with a Stand Up," features another seven minutes of G. Thang running his mouth and trying to be funny. I think Friedberg and Seltzer got their hands on the script for this feature, because it's not funny. Then again, it could actually be G. Thang's words, in which case, maybe I am underestimating Friedberg and Seltzer and they're just not getting the right personnel to act out their vision. Wait, now that's funny. Next on the list of disastrous features is "Who's Spoofing Who?" This feature talks to the cast about getting nervous about spoofing any of the celebrities they're poking fun at. Flanagan talked about how nervous she was meeting Kardashian, who she had spoofed on MadTV, while Parker was nervous about imitating Jessica Simpson since Minnillo is dating her ex-husband. Apparently, it's all good fun and everyone loves spoofing everyone. Who's gonna spoof me? It sounds kind of dirty.

The review is almost over, so hang in there and let me tell you about the sing alongs. Yes, sing alongs. There is one for the Jimmy Kimmel Show-inspired "I'm F**king Matt Damon," and another for High School Musical. Both have introductions from Lanter and Minnillo, who explain that you'll be watching a clip from the movie containing the words to the song at the bottom of the screen with "the little bouncy ball," as Minnillo says. Listen, I'm not going to stop you from singing along. Do what you want. It's your time and money, not mine. I'm just the one who gets to tell you that rather than watching this movie again (or its features), I'd willingly spend my day tied to a chair knitting a sweater for my unborn child while a 20-pound weight slams into my testicles every six minutes as Sisqo's "Thong Song" plays repeatedly in the background, and the aroma of rotten eggs and beer farts fills the room with an odor so thick I can taste it. That, my friend, sounds like a day paradise in comparison to Disaster Movie.