Summer’s over and the school busses are running. America’s kids are headed back to school. We here at Cinema Blend however, don’t want our little Blenditos sent off into the lion’s den unprepared. Everything you really need to know about surviving the school year is found in movies. Warm up your DVD player and study with these essential back to school films:
Where do you fit in?
The first few days of any school year are all about finding out where you fit in. For that, you’ll need The Breakfast Club, John Hughes’ examination of clashing high school hierarchy. Are you a nerd? A jock? A princess? A criminal? Or maybe you’re just a total psycho. Figure out which lunchroom table you should sit at here.
Now that you’re actually in school, you may want to consider learning something. Yeah, probably not, but just in case you’re one of those nerds that like to study, pick up Dead Poets Society. It won’t teach you when the Mongols ruled China, but it may inspire you to rip the pages out of your math book. Wait… that may be counter productive.
Find out when the Mongols ruled China.
Speaking of the Mongols, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure actually will teach you when the Mongols ruled China. It will also teach you that Napoleon is a short, dead, dude and that Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife. Vital information for putting together any most excellent history report.
Deal with bullies.
You watched The Breakfast Club and discovered that, unfortunately, you’re a nerd. That means you’re probably getting the crap kicked out of you by bullies, and you need a plan of action. If you’re a guy that means you need Back to the Future, where the lesson is simple: If Biff Tannen tries to molest your girlfriend, punch him. Otherwise, practice your skateboarding skills and hope for manure. For girls, the answer is a little more complicated. You need Mean Girls, where you’ll discover that the best way to beat Rachel McAdams is to be even prettier than her. I hope you look like Lindsay Lohan.
Win the Big Game.
Maybe you’re not one of the nerds. Maybe you’re one of the jocks. Congratulations, I hope your name isn’t Biff Tannen because if it is you’re probably going to get mega-punched by a nerd. Assuming you avoid nerd retribution though, you’re going to be playing a lot of sports. If you want to win, the tools you’ll need to go to State are all found in Hoosiers. Spend two hours with Gene Hackman’s coaching method and you’ll soon learn that the key to sporting success is pretty simple: Get the school to hire Gene Hackman as your coach.
Hot for teacher.
Got a super-hot English teacher? If you’re a jock who’s just won the big game, no problem. If you’re less of a jock and more of a misfit though, find out how you can defeat Bill Murray and win her affections by watching and doing the exact opposite of Jason Schwartzman in Rushmore. Of course you’re a virgin so once you have her, you’ll have absolutely no idea what to do with her. Consider spending a few hours watching The Graduate, and hope that she’s as sexed up as Mrs. Robinson. Should you fail to win her affections, pick up American Pie and learn pastry-based methods for relieving some of that sexual tension.
Solve high school mysteries.
You’ve just found a dead body in your locker. What do you do? You’re prepared because you’ve already watched Brick, the Joseph Gordon Levitt-starring Film Noir from 2005 in which he solves mysterious doings while talking like Fred MacMurray in Double Indemnity. What if your problems are even weirder than dead bodies though? Say you’ve somehow ended up in the 80s and are now being accosted by a giant bunny named Frank? No worries, just pick up Donnie Darko for advice on solving life’s ills with wormholes and time travel.
Had it with hot teachers, underwear ripping bullies, and scary, freaky, giant bunnies? Have a test today on European Socialism? Really, what’s the point? You’re not European, you don’t plan on being European, so who cares if they’re socialists? Life goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. You need a vacation, and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off will tell you how to get the heck out of school, even if it does mean ruining the life of your best friend Cameron. Just don’t try driving home backwards. That never works.