As someone who works from home, I’ve gotten remarkably good at ignoring possible distractions. There’s a taco truck parked outside my building? Eh. I really don’t need more food. The original Total Recall is on one of the pay movie channels? I’ll DVR that shit for later. But Clue? I can’t ever say no to Clue. It’s a weapons closet of joy rolled up in delicious blackmail secrets and topped with pretty and jagged chandelier pieces. Its pull always sucks me in like the wafting aroma of monkeys’ brains.

Today was no different. I was going about my business when I noticed my DVD copy out of the corner of my eye. I’ll just drop it in and watch it in the background, I thought. Fail. Ninety-six frenetic and brilliant minutes later, I’m now compelled to sit down and plow through a complete ordered list of every single character in Clue who isn’t a cop standing around in the background of the last scene.

That’s the serious upshot of making a movie confined to an old creepy mansion, the outside of said old creepy mansion and the old creepy road leading up to said old creepy mansion. You get to know everyone pretty damn well. By my count, there are fourteen people we should care about in some fashion; so, without further ado, here’s how I would order them in terms of my own personal vague definition of greatness…

Warning: This article contains every spoiler imaginable about the movie Clue. If you have not seen it, please find a friend with good taste (he or she will own a copy) and spend your evening watching it. You can thank me later.

#14) The Motorist
Pros: Military Experience, A Classic Hat

Cons: Unreliable Car, Needy

How He Fits Into The Plot: The Motorist shows up right as Wadsworth is about to get rid of the key to the weapons cabinet. He asks to use the phone because his 1953 Chevy Bel-Air is broken down. His request is eventually okayed, but he’s murdered just seconds before he blurts out the identity of his former boss. Spoiler alert: it’s Colonel Mustard. He was his driver during the war and has been giving the blackmailer secrets about his ex-boss’ shady history as a war profiteer.

Quality Of Character: Apart from being a necessary cog in Clue’s complicated plot, the Motorist brings almost nothing whatsoever to the table beyond his mildly interesting hat. He doesn’t have any memorable lines. He dies pathetically via one blow to the head, and his greatest moment is probably when the guests get his corpse drunk in an act GG Allin would have approved of.

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