Last week here
I introduced the new and dynamic Rotten Tomatoes algorithm to this column. While I slightly missed Alice in Wonderland
(critics were completely polarized with this flick); I hit a total homerun with Brooklyn's Finest
(missed by 2%, boo-yah!). This week is going to be a bit tougher and will put the formula to the test. I am sure I'll hear some of the usual vitriol when people read some of these numbers, but whatever, you got to see me get pelted with tomatoes. I can take anything.
This week is a battle between what my eyes tell me and what the formula spits out. So basically I'm fighting with my computer.
If you've seen this trailer and not immediately thought it was the new addition to the Jason Bourne franchise (The Bourne Imagitorium) then I don't really know what to tell you. When I first saw Matty D. running around in full tactical gear I actually thought it was some sort of Bourne prequel. Of course, it isn't. But it's by the same director and stars the same guy. And it's about an operative going in and saving lives. And there seems to be a lot of yelling and blowing things up. But I swear, it's totally different.
Paul Greengrass and Matt Damon reunite to adapt the book Imperial Life in the Emerald City. I'll be honest, this movie is going to put my Tomatoes Algorithm to the test. I really wanted to give this a score close to the middle. But, the formula likes its chances a lot. Like a real lot. The Bourne movies are all favorably reviewed. Matt Damon makes good acting choices. He and the director have a great history. Of any score, I can see this one causing the most people to pepper me with insults in the comment section. But I'm sticking to what sort of worked last week. Green Zone gets a RottenWatch of 77%.
She's Out of My League
Had to go a little off board to find this score. It's Jay Baruchel's first chance at starring in a movie and Jim Field Smith's first stab at directing a big studio production. Movies like this, with time-honored themes of dorky boy gets ridiculously hot girl to like him because he's kind and cute and that's what girls are actually looking for, are so worn out. It doesn't mean the movie won't be funny; it just means it really needs to kill in order to stand out.
Oddly enough, the trailer looks incredibly promising. I actually laughed out loud for a couple of parts (not something I'm known to do). Based on this very small, almost inconsequential bit of information, I'm inclined to lean a little positive for She's Out of My League. I'm going with a Rotten Watch of 62% and expect to be pleasantly surprised if it goes a little higher.
No thanks. This movie will be good for two things and two things only. The soundtrack will probably get downloaded 10 million times on iTunes and it will give teeny-boppers, jonesing for a little Robert Pattinson fix, a chance to pump their veins full of the emotional and pale heart throb. Sidenote: Has anyone listened to Pattison's music? Let me save you the time, effort, and frustration. It's horrible. 15 minute long intros followed by pretentious and "deep" lyrics like this: I'll be your man/And I'll understand/ And I'll do my best/ To take good care of you/ You'll be my queen/I'll be your king/ And I'll be your lover too/ Yeah yeah.
Addtionally, the trailer is all over the place. First Pattinson is staring out the window looking sad. Then he's on the street kind of looking mad and sad. Then he's at the beach looking sad. Then he's riding his bike looking determined and sad. And then in the end he seems happy, but still looks sad. I barely made it through the trailer.
The major problem I'm having with the scoring this week is Allen Coulter as director (Cooper and Brosnan aren't helping either). Is his resume enough to counter balance Pattinson and the premise? (Guy is sad). The Rotten Watch for Remember Meis 53% but of all the numbers this week I am least confident about this one.
Our Family Wedding
Wow. wow. (Shakes head.) Ummm. hmmmm. (Deep breath.) This movie looks so heinous that I'm almost at a loss for words. Almost. I was a little annoyed when I watched the trailer for this movie because I felt the premise was so close to my actual life experience that I should've gotten some sort of royalty or credits for the flick. See, right before my wife and I got engaged, and our families met for the first time, our fathers happened to run into each other. Her dad is a tow truck driver and mine is a high powered, CEO prick. Seems her father towed my father's car because he parked illegally. They got into a hilarious fight and parted ways only to reunite THAT NIGHT at the family dinner we planned to announce our engagement! The rest is, incredibly realistic, history.
What do you know? Same thing happens in this movie. And it looks so mind-bogglingly stupid that you couldn't pay me to watch it. Literally. I wouldn't go for free. If Josh sends me a press pass to the early screening I won't go. Forrest Whitaker (stooping to a frustrating low) collects a paycheck and Carlos Mencia just keeps collecting paychecks.
Again, I am torn here because, while the movie looks dreadful, but the RottenWatch formula doesn't hate its chances. (Even though I do) Rotten Watch for Our Family Wedding is 45%.
Which Rotten movie will have the highest final Tomatometer score?