11/23 – 11/27 The holiday weekend here in the United States officially starts today at 5:00. That’s when you’ll see me sprinting out of my cubicle towards my car, possibly naked. Since it’s a holiday (and one where folks often like to spend it at the movies), that means there’s way too many movies being released in theaters all at once. It’s a little ridiculous. Obviously, most of these movies are crap, and even if they weren't, there’s so many flooding in that most of them are definitely going to fail. Frankly, if you’re going to see something, you should probably just skip them all and go see last week’s best release, Walk the Line. It deserves your repeat attention. But the premise of this column is new releases, some of which I’ve already seen and some I haven’t. So hang on tight while I help you wind your way through this week’s new release minefield.
Misc. Limited Releases (Opening in fewer than 500 theaters.)
This week’s limited releases are a mix of movies that everyone really wants to see but won’t be able to and a movie everyone has already seen and probably shouldn’t have to watch again. The Libertine stars Johnny Depp as a wig-wearing ladies man in a dark, dark period piece movie. It’s opening in two theaters, just to bait Oscar. In fact, it will only play in those two theaters for a week, before vanishing back into the “Coming Soon” bin. Syriana is getting a lot of buzz, and my initial disinterest in it has turned to curiosity over what Clooney’s up to. It’s timely, it’s topical, and the oil-based spy movie is only playing in five theaters. For most of us, that means waiting a few weeks till it widens out enough for normal folks to see it. Look for that to happen somewhere around December 19. Last up is The Polar Express IMAX, which was released last year. It’s back in 66 IMAX theaters to try and squeeze a little more holiday money out of ho ho ho movie audiences. If you want to be creeped out by those weird looking animated kids again, you know where to find it. Head to an IMAX.
Expanding
Pride and Prejudice has been done dozens of times before, but from the buzz on this one, this may be the first time that it’s any good. It probably helps that this version has a bit of an edge. By edge I mean maybe there'll be nudity and sex. Keira Knightley just can’t keep a shirt on those muffin tops. I think I’ve seen them more this year than I’ve seen my wife’s. P&P has been playing for a few weeks now, but this is the first time it’s expanded into legitimately wide release. It’s broadening out into 1,299 theaters. If you’ve been waiting to see it, now is your best chance.
Just Friends (Opened in 2,505 theaters on Wed.)
Fat suit comedy officially wore out its welcome when Comedy Central let Martin Short do that horrible Jiminy Glick bit. Actually, it probably played out long before then, that was just the nail in the coffin. So what’s a talented, good looking, funny actor like Ryan Reynolds doing in Just Friends? Killing his career, that’s what. Here’s a talented performer in need of guidance. This guy should be playing Fletch, or The Flash, not fat guy gets skinny and wins the shallow, vapid, hot girl now that he’s handsome. I hate movies like this. I hate movies where people only get what they want when they look good. What sort of lesson is that? Ok, maybe it’s reality, but why would you want to be with someone who ignored you when you’re fat and then crawls all over you when you’re thin and rich? Step off bitch! Where were you when I sucked?
In the Mix (Opened in 1,608 theaters on Wed.)
Usher is a club Deejay with a heart of gold in In the Mix. He saves a mafia princess from an angry bullet, and ends up involved with the mob. He’s forced into service as the really hot mob daughter’s security guard, because as a club deejay he’s really qualified for that sort of duty. Club Deejays make great bullet stoppers. There’s been little to no advertisement for this film outside of BET because no one believes there’s any chance in hell anyone but that sometimes rather undiscerning audience will waste their time to see it. Why bother wasting money on ads? The movie’s coming out anyway though, and if you’re a fan of Usher maybe you’re interested in seeing his big screen debut. Let’s try to be positive about this: it’s probably better than 50 Cent’s.
Rent (Opened in 2,433 theaters on Wed.)
The Broadway cast is ported over into a movie version of the popular musical. Rosario Dawson supposedly gives a great performance, but aside from Chicago, these Broadway to movie adaptations never seem to work. If you liked the musical and enjoy the songs, you might have a good time with rent. It’s getting decent, if not spectacular reviews. Part of the problem may be that the subject matter is old hat. It’s about struggling artists with AIDS. We’re all sick to death of movies about struggling artists. We get it. You may be poor, but you live better more exciting lives than the rest of us. We suck, artists rule. Now let’s see a movie about a garbage collector. Where’s Men at Work 2?
Yours, Mine, and Ours (Opened in 3,200 theaters on Wed.)
This is actually a remake of an old Lucille Ball flick. The original was probably bad too. This might be a little more palatable if Cheaper by the Dozen 2 wasn’t being released in theaters a few weeks from now. This is basically the same movie, just with more kids and a less funny father. Scratch that, Steve Martin stopped being funny around the time he released Bring’ Down the House. Dennis Quaid might now be funnier. Speaking of Quaid, is he too old to talk to a career councilor? Maybe he could get a discount rate with Ryan Reynolds. He’s been in so many great movies, but for every great movie or great performance he does a pile of crap like this. Do more In Good Companys and Far From Heavens Dennis, and less of this. You don’t need the paycheck.
The Ice Harvest (Opens in 1,550 theaters.)
I’m actually surprised this isn’t being released in more theaters. Fifteen hundred isn’t really a lot for a movie starring the high powered combo of Billy Bob Thornton and John Cusack. It’s a little disconcerting the way they keep mentioning the name of Bad Santa in all the trailers for The Ice Harvest. It’s almost as if they’re overcompensating for something. This isn’t going to be another Bad Santa. It can’t possibly be that good. But Ice Harvest is directed by Harold Ramis, and when given the right material Cusack and Thornton can be genius. So what if it looks like Trapped in Paradise? The movie looks dark, funny, and a little bit twisted. Laughing uncomfortably at something evil is my preferred way to spend any holiday season. If you’re looking for something new, give this crime-comedy a shot over Thanksgiving weekend. If the pilgrims were alive today… they probably wouldn’t recommend it. Puritanical sons of bitches.
Still In Theaters And Worth Your Time: Walk the Line, Jarhead
