Heads Up, My Mom Walked Out Of Holmes And Watson

I have not seen Holmes and Watson, but heads up, it's probably an all-time terrible movie. Not because over ninety percent of the reviews are negative. Not because Netflix allegedly refused to buy the rights after seeing the movie. Not because the audience reaction is terrible. No, I can discard all troubling evidence about a movie by using suspect logic and lame excuses. I often will too if I liked the preview, still want to see it and don't feel like admitting I'm wrong. No, I am convinced with absolute certainty Holmes And Watson must be terrible because my mother walked out of it.

My mother loves going to the movies. If I had to fire off a quick top five of things she loves, I would say, in no particular order: her church, The Great British Bakeoff, telling me stories about drama in her condo building, restaurants with "good spaces" and going to the movies. She just loves it. She'll go alone. She'll go with her friends. She'll go with my wife and I if we're in town, and on rare occasions, she'll go with my father who maybe can be dragged to the theater twice on a good year.

A couple days ago was one of those rare occasions. He consented to see Vice, on account of there being some politics in there, but my mom's sister (or aunt, if you prefer) called as they were getting ready to leave, one thing led to another and they missed the showing. Not wanting to blow a movie opportunity, she asked my dad if he would see something else. He agreed, and as luck would have it, Holmes and Watson lined up at the perfect time.

Here's a quick list of things I know about what happened next...

1. There were 'at least 10 previews.'2. Holmes and Watson was 'just so stupid.'3. The jokes were 'not funny.'4. My mom asked my dad if they could leave at about the 30 to 35 minute mark.5. My dad was 'willing to stay and tough it out.'

Now, I don't want what I'm about to say to come off as a commentary on my mother's likes and dislikes. She's (usually) a classy person with (pretty) good taste, but she's also easily pleased, especially when she's at the movies. She just loves the experience of going so much that she typically has something positive to say about almost everything. A good rule of thumb is to subtract 1.5 stars from whatever her score is. If she tells me a movie was "a lot of fun", I assume it's a perfectly fine movie that is average in almost every single way. So, where does that leave a movie she walked out of? Yiiiiiiiiiiiiikes.

And let's not forget about my dad's involvement here. That's a key factor too. I feel like everyone's dad has a thing they almost never do, to the point where it's family gossip when it does happen. Wait, dad says he's cooking tonight? That kinda thing. Well, my father's thing like that is going to the movies. It's a shock every single time it happens. So, for my mom to convince him to go the movies and then bail 30 to 35 minutes in because Holmes and Watson is that bad? Yiiiiiiiiiiiiikes.

If you want to go see Holmes and Watson, you should go see Holmes and Watson. You are a human being capable of rational thought and making your own decisions. I would never take that away from you. I just felt like it was important to give you a heads up, though, because if you're the type of person who observes and notes warning signs, my mom walking out of a movie is the most warning sign that's ever warning signed. It's a flashing, neon-colored alert, bellowing at the top of its lungs to stay away. So, I will.

Mack Rawden
Editor In Chief

Enthusiastic about Clue, case-of-the-week mysteries, the NBA and cookies at Disney World. Less enthusiastic about the pricing structure of cable, loud noises and Tuesdays.