I watch a lot of true crime shows. Wait, let me get more specific so you know the level of crazy I’m talking about. I watch at least one true crime mystery documentary every single day and have for the past three or four years. Sometimes it’s Homicide Hunter. Sometimes it’s Cold Case Files. Sometimes it’s 48 Hours Mysteries. I’m really not very picky. It just needs to involve a real murder, an investigation, a conclusion and preferably, some filmed reenactments. Some people in my position would probably feel some personal shame related to these thousands of hours sunk into informative murder porn, but I really don’t regret any of it. In fact, all the hours have taught me quite a bit about murder, though one hot fact is more apparent than any other. As a general rule, people suck at killing people.

That’s right. An overwhelming majority of murderers are positively horrible at murdering. They make the same mistakes over and over again, and they completely lose all common sense in the heat of the moment. They practically beg to get caught, and while that’s really, really good for the police officers trying to catch these bozos, it’s really frustrating as a viewer to see the same story played out over and over again.

So, over the past few weeks, I’ve started to jot down these common fuck-ups, and now, I’m assembling them into one list--- not to help others murder people but to commiserate with other Stolen Voices viewers who are sick and tired of seeing idiots follow the exact same script.

So, without further ado, here are 5 of the most common stupid mistakes the killers on Investigation Discovery always seem to make…

They Transport Bodies In Their Trunks
A truly stupid number of killers throw their murder victims into the trunk before driving to the disposal site, and every single time they hit a pot hole, hair falls out, blood flies in weird directions and skin cells rub all over the carpet. Try explaining that in court because it’s damn near impossible.

Never, ever under any circumstances put a human being in your trunk. Even if someone is very much alive and willingly volunteers to ride in the trunk because there are too many people in the backseat, immediately veto the idea and come up with another way. If you do and the police ever search your trunk for any reason, they will find random hairs that don’t belong to you in it and then you will have to prove the person is still alive.

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