Well, folks, now that it is officially Juan-uary (formally known as January to all you non-Bachelor viewers) and so ABC’s emotional trainwreck of a competition series (with a fancy home you can rent!), The Bachelor has geared up for the promotional blitz ahead of its Sunday, JUANUARY 6th premiere date. (OK, we’ll stop doing that now). Seems as though the Juan Pablo Galavis-fronted season of the soapy fauxmance porn has found its first victim of TV Crazy.
Her name is Lauren H. (because all people are reduced to a first name and maybe a last initial if they’re lucky) and she’s the world’s most positive and deserving ray of sunshine on the whole of the planet. In the clip (via TVGuide), Lauren H is ready for love and Juan Pablo but cannot seem to get herself up off the couch to talk to him — though she’s more than willing to walk around with the other women and cry about her inabilities because that’s how reality television works.
Specifically, that’s how the particularly fresh hell that is The Bachelor does it, thanks to their incentivized chatter-maker, the First Impression Rose. Women are forced to thrust themselves in front of the handsome Juan Pablo in the name of scoring said floral badge — but only the most-funnest and prettiest-best-girl at the party will receive the rose, ensuring many a hyperbolic moment is paraded out for display purposes.
Though it’s mostly the work of the women to do the heavy dramatic, erratic, and at times painfully pathetic proselytizing, Juan Pablo does get in on the action to drop a bit of knowledge on us. “It’s not easy at all to give a First Impression Rose when you have 26 good first impressions,” he explained. Ah, so true, so deep, JP.
Because of course it’s not — how could you pick and choose between people who say things such as “I have such a great life, but my love life has sucked; I deserve a rose if anybody,” by the oh-so-humble and sensitive as a ticking time bomb, Lauren H? And not even a lawsuit regarding whether the show is racist or not (spoiler alert: it kinda is!) could take away from the fact that its hope springs delusional on this embarrassing dais of love.
The small screen equivalent of a romance death panel doesn’t stop there, though: the brilliant Lauren H. continued her quest of confoundation by asking the other women the incredibly well-thought-out and complex question, “How do you swoop him up?” to which the ladies basically replied, “Uh…just swoop him up, whatever the fuck that means?” To which our brilliant officer of romance replied, “I don’t want to be rude!”
Certainly, this season of The Bachelor is guaranteed to be another season of blubbering and bumbling bounty. Tune in to ABC on Sunday, January 5th at 8PM for the two-hour premiere ahead of its typical Monday night schedule. And yes, we will be recapping all of its confounding glory right here at Cinemablend.