The things that are most easily perverted – not in that way – are the ones that seem the most wholesome from the outside. And the saccharin doesn’t get more gee-golly than it does on Full House, a lighthearted family series that everyone truly loves in their heart of hearts, no matter how much they scream and curse that they don’t. Speaking of screaming, the video above is a pitch perfect parody of the hugely popular sitcom, reimagining it as a somber thriller, rife with overtones of mania, depression and incest. TGIF: Thank God it’s Family.
Armed with only an ominously driven piano score and complete detachment from a laugh track, I’d have to assume any episode of Full House would seem a bit off. But this is the deceased granddaddy of all creepy compilation vids, and the Tanner family may never be the same. I mean, they were already forever changed once Bob Saget started talking about his dick on stage and in Half Baked, and when Jodie Sweetin admitted her post-Full House drug and alcohol addictions, but none of that took away from the show itself, which remained as wide-eyed and bushy-tailed as ever. Until now.
Under the simple pretense of “Once you move in…you can never move out,” this clip doesn’t really do a lot to create a plot, per se, but just offers up a jumble of awkward moments from the show’s history that could easily be perceived as a regular occurrence in a terrible horror movie. Three unrelated men coming together to raise three young girls is a situation that already has a suspicious connotation, but it gets a little worse once all the happiness is removed. Now we’re just left with the over-emotional Danny Tanner laughing to himself about not knowing who’s going to get the door. It may send me to an early grave.
So really, it becomes an ongoing competition within my head for which of these moments is truly the creepiest, and the stained blue ribbon goes to Danny awkwardly telling Candace Cameron’s D.J. that she’s sexy before he pulls her onto his lap. Sure, fans of Bates Motel and Six Feet Under are used to incestuous character motivations, but this is a little more left field than that. I mean, this is a man who video tapes his daughter’s feet while she’s sleeping. Do we really need something like “context” to step in and explain this? I think not.
It’s hard to believe that Full House first aired over 25 years ago, and that it hasn’t been the basis for any mass murderer’s manifesto. (Maybe the Michelle-free video was enough to keep the more vile-minded members of society in check.) Is it just me who thinks about The Shining when Nicky and Alex are on the screen? Is it just me who worries about Joey’s emotional state, since his absence from this video can almost certainly be attributed to the character’s lack of depth beyond out-of-place catchphrases and Popeye impersonations? It can’t only be me, right?
So be careful when you’re heading around the bend, since you never know what you’ll find…everywhere you look. Doobidaba-badoww.