Glee Watch: The Substitute

“Watch out Dustin Hoffman, it’s an OUTBREAK!”

A virulent strain of monkey flu from Borneo has infiltrated McKinley High and infected all of the students. Conniving Sue takes a page out of The Santa Clause and activates her own “Principal Clause” when she sics a sick girl on Principal Figgins rendering him ill.

Sue promptly removes the “pal” in principal and decrees her first order of business: destroy the Glee club.

Moral Dilemmas

Ban on tots: Sue, reeling from “humiliation” at the hands of the Beiste, decides she needs a new cause and settles on banning tots from school. I think the tot ban is a great example of how out-of-control dietary regulation is at schools. I remember in my high school soda machines were deactivated during the day because certain individuals didn’t want students drinking soda. Yet, as soon as 2:35 p.m. rolled around you could stroll up to the machine and grab a soda on your way to the bus or your car. It never made any sense. Soda and tots shouldn’t be contraband. I’m all for educating people about nutrition, but at the end of the day you, and you alone, are responsible for your own dietary choices. It’s why some people gain the freshman 15 in college and others don’t (or you are a mutant like me and can only subsist on fast food because fruits and veggies make you feel ill).

Substituting love with tots: Kurt deduces that Mercedes is using her tater tot crusade to fill the void of an empty love life. At first Mercedes scoffs, but then she realizes Kurt is right and decides to take him up on his offer to set her up with football player Anthony.

Vick’s Vapor Rub Seduction: Under the influence of “Vick’s” Will has sex with his ex-Terri. Fortunately Will comes to his senses and regrets what happened, telling Terri it was a mistake. Naturally Terri doesn't take it well at all. Looks like this is finally the end for Terri and Will unless she tries a tube of Ben Gay on him next time.

Voice boundaries: Holly lets the kids say whatever they want while Will thinks it's in their best interest to have a restricted voice. Holly tweets what the kids are saying but Will counters a great teacher is supposed to show students there are other points of view than just their own. Eventually the two realize it takes a combination of both teaching methods.

Best song

“Singing in the Rain/Umbrella” mash-up. The choreography and set complete with water really was cool. I have to give props to Gwyneth, she has a great voice and was able to hold her own against Will and Rachel. Speaking of Rachel, runner-up song is definitely her “Chicago” duet with Holly.

LOL Moments

Gwyneth Paltrow as Holly Holliday had several LOL moments. My favorites were her as Mary Todd Lincoln accusing the tea pot of spreading lies about her and when she sang “Conjunction Junction” in English Class.

“Conjunction Junction” never gets old. Loved it when the Simpsons used it and loved it when Family Guy’s Peter changed it up for a sex-ed episode.

Other laughable moments included the purse falling out of Kurt’s mouth, Puck’s buttered floor and Rachel’s injury from “Gangsta rap musical chairs.”

Memorable quotes

• Sue - “Festering in a small clutch of loud bisexual primates not unlike your glee club.”

• Kurt - “I’m shaking and it’s either from low blood sugar or rage.”

• Holly in Spanish class - “Lindsay Lohan is very crazy, right?” “How many times has Lindsay Lohan been to rehab?”

• Kurt - “You smell homeless Brent, homeless.”

• Beiste - “You do not spray athlete’s foot medication in your teammate’s face.”

• Sue and Holly bonding - “Hoarders is great but animal hoarders is better.” “Hoarders and red wine…I’m buzzed.”

• Sue - “I’m like my idol Richard Milhous Nixon…and like Richard Nixon this conversation is being recorded.”

• Sue – “Know what this is?” Mercedes – “A toilet brush?” Sue – “Broccoli.”

• Will - “Thanks Terri, Baby likes his soup.”

• Sue - “So the tot wars have begun, Becky.”

• Sue - “I’m tempted to sell your scalp on the black market as a small shearling coat for fashionable premature babies.”

• Kurt - Omigosh I open my mouth and a little purse drops out.”

• Holly – “I was going to suggest clapping erasers, but you guys are all dry erasers here.”

• Holly (flashback) – “Her name was Cameo. She was like an attractive Biggie Smalls.”

• Holly (flashback) – “Cameo, what do you know about algorithms?” Cameo - “what are you a magician substitute? I’m a Christian and that devil magic stuff offends me.” PUNCH!

• Mercedes – “So? You know what they have in prison? Tots.”

• Brittany – “Mr. Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I had stopped after M, N and O. I had thought they were too similar and got frustrated.”

• Sue – “I suggest selling yourself on Craig’s List under the heading Men Seeking Men with Butt Chins.”

• Holly – “Mary Todd Lincoln in the house. My husband was probably gay, and I’m bipolar. Makes me yell things like that tea pot is spreading lies about me and this can’t be my baby because I don’t love it.”

Music featured:

• Holly Holiday (Gwyneth Paltrow), Artie, Mercedes and Santana – Cee-Lo Green’s “Forget You”

• Will – “Make’em Laugh” from “Singing in the Rain”

• Holly and Rachel – “Nowadays/Hot Honey Rag from “Chicago”

• Holly, Will and New Directions – Rihanna’s “Umbrella” and Gene Kelly’s “Singing in the Rain” mash-up.

Next week on Glee: It’s wedding time as Kurt’s dad and Finn’s mom prepare to wed. And what’s this? Sue Sylvester in a wedding gown?