Jersey Shore Watch: That Familiar Burning Sensation...

Last week on the Jersey Shore: Everyone went to Miami. Angelina came back. Everyone vomited hate in her general direction. Snooki opined on the pilgrims' successful coexistence with the prohibitionists, or something. Sammi pined for Ronnie, while Ronnie expressed an interest in pretty much everything but Sammi. A spa-like acoustic guitar strummed gently somewhere, coaxing all of us into a false sense of calm and serenity. Then there was some fist-pumping and animal-style noises in the back of two cabs. We also learned the difference between grenades and landmines. That about covers it.

This week: We begin with a hangover montage. Ronnie is granted the nickname IFF, which stands for "I fondle fronds." I think. Because frankly, whatever he'd get from jangling a little poison ivy would be less painful than what he probably contracted from the mass-grinding of the night before. The boys go to the beach. The girls go shopping at a "Tranny" supply store (their term, not mine)...which explains a lot, actually. Snooki finds some bedazzled sunglasses that are about 400 dollars and prevent you from seeing. So, while she gets all Stevie Wonder'd out, I wonder if there's glasses that will keep me from seeing her.

The Situation appears to be cooking something. This consists of dumping bbq sauce on a lump of chicken. He's 5/8ths Paula Deen, really. Ronnie emotes to Angelina. This is sort of like when I talk to my plants. Snooki wanders around unable to see with her glasses on, and somehow knocks dinner onto the floor. She cries because she's ruined her slippers. Or something.

Sammi gets all wild-eyed about Ronnie's ex-girlfriend Caroline, and Sammi goes all IT'S OVER on Ronnie, who is all "yes, yes it has been." Then she goes and cries behind some frosted glass. The messed-up, previously on the floor chicken thinks to itself, "this is effed up." We all agree.

Ronnie blabs to Jenni about the situation (not, mind you, The Situation) and his feelings vent all over her. The Situation orders in food, to replace the floored chicken. He gives his name for the order as "The Situation." The delivery guy is all "...Really?" He is the voice of America this episode.

Snooki leads a peeping-tom charge of the bathroom, proving the frosted glass does nothing as she, Vinny, and Pauly D oogle Jenni's dangly bits through the door. Everyone giggles. In my head, I'm putting together a sexual harassment lawsuit. Snooki continues her Angelina hate parade. It's a shame when oompa loompas get rabies; the mind goes first. She assails Angelina while drinking out of a two-foot sippie bottle that makes her look even smaller. I could put her in my pocket, but those orange stains are awful hard to get out of dress shirts.

I don't follow the conversation from here; apparently, Angelina talked trash to someone named J420 or H1N! or C3PO and it got back to the girls. Jenni threatens to put a horse head in Angelina's bed. The Situation tells us that Jenni is good at hitting things, as we flash back to an uncomfortable moment of domestic violence from last season. She's like Mel Gibson, with a slightly smaller rack. Snooki picks up the phone and tells Angelina's friend that she's dead. Angelina's friend is ambivalent. Vinny has apparently killed Lisa Loeb and is wearing her glasses as a trophy.

Ronnie, in resumed argument with Sammi, lets out an unironic "That's What She Said." He talking-heads that he loves her. Ronnie is apparently polygamous. I wait, patiently, for him to be Bill Paxton's new wife on Big Love. He also refers to himself and Sammi as "like Zack and Kelly," but I don't know which one is which in this analogy.

The gang goes out for gelatto. The shop owner mugs for screen time. Snooki looks deep in sunglasses-clad thought, as if she's wondering if one of those pocketbook-sized chihuahuas can work as a seeing eye dog.

Ronnie decides to get a tattoo. Sammi decides to hold his hand, which is both romantic and a little bit Fatal Attraction. "I'm always here for you...even if we hate each other." Her eyes go all glassy and crazy and I say a quiet prayer for Ronnie. Jesus quickly responds to my prayer with: "he's made his bed, time to doink in it."

The sun goes down. Evil walks the earth. The gang heads out to the clubs. The situation gets bit while making out with some drunk girl; when she rolls off of him, we get our first blurred-out genitalia of the season, and I go all misty-eyed for a second. Angelina tells Pauly D that she loves him. He flips out, and The Situation reminds us that when she's had a bit to drink, she dockclocks everyone. Only he doesn't say dockclock, but something that rhymes with it. Figure it out.

They get home. Angelina chides Pauly for flirting with a married girl, and Pauly D goes BWAAAAAA! Angelina cries while The Situation pams a pan. Suddenly, they erupt into a drunken three-way...

argument in the kitchen. See what I did there?

And we're done.

Next week is teased in a haiku:

Fights, flirting, and drunks

in a hot-tub with "grenades"

Vinny bangs Snooki?

See you next week, friends! Keep applying the sunscreen, and remember, whatever this show gives you can be cured by a two-week course of antibiotics.