Jersey Shore Watch: Snooki After Dark

Previously on The Jersey Shore: Angelina peaced out, and no one cared. It's just like season one,

This week: Pauly D wakes up and inhales the post-Angelina scent. The Situation decides to throw out her bed...which has apparently been broken, because she's denser than she looked. It takes the boys about four hours to remove the bed frame from the room, because honestly, I have socks with better cognitive reasoning. Cut to Vinny in bed, listening to the noises of the boys' Angelina-exorcism-fest and rolling his eyes. Later on, the boys are prepping dinner, and Snooki protests the cooking of live lobsters. She "rescues" one to keep as a pet. Hey, Snooks--now your crabs won't be lonely. Snooki names the lobster Charlie, and then inadvertently drowns it in fresh water. I can't wait for her to have kids, really. It's the upcoming manslaughter trial of the century, right there.

The lobster dinner is accompanied by champagne, and Sammi complains that, without Angelina, she has to be "up Ron's ass" all the time, which answers all sorts of troubling questions about the nature of their relationship. Close your eyes and think of England, Ron. Meanwhile, the boys frolic in the hottub and make winky faces at one another and braid each other's back hair while JWoww and Snooki lament their fractured relationship with Sammi. It's time for a head-to-head-to-bump chat; the girls sit in the living room and say nothing to one another while the world inches slowly towards oblivion. And outside, the boys continue to play their reindeer games in the jacuzzi and pick out curtains and contemplate moving to Vermont. You know what I mean.

Cut to approximately 38 years later, and JWoww now looks like Michael Douglas. S/he stares at her man-hands and finally apologizes to Sammi. Sammi goes all PTSD and doesn't even look at her. JWoww tells her that she beat up girls like that in high school, which immediately makes me envision her life as a Lifetime movie in which she's played by a Baldwin brother. No, not that Baldwin. Not that one either. THAT one. Yeah. The boys play with their balls outside...big, inflatable ones. What did you think I meant?

Vinny calls his ladypal Ramona, and attempts another date, despite her wisely standing him up last time. He plans on "beaching" her, which I assumed initially was some sort of illicit act involving a dead whale, but apparently is a perfectly innocent afternoon full of sand and surf. Ramona is criminally late, and a pair of hot girls calls, inviting V to be the L in a BLT. He's ready to go...and then Ramona calls, and I think Vinny's man-parts implode from frustration. At least, one can hope. Anyway, Vinny follows "his gut" and chooses Ramona. I think you're thinking about eight inches below your gut, V. But hey, whatevs.

They sit on the beach and canoodle and laugh and Ramona explains that Romania is some sort of fish and I think the part of my brain that knows love starts to die. Vinny thinks Ramona is "feeling him," which is probably illegal to do on any public beach in Miami. The evening ends with some "fireworks" going off (just think about baseball next time, V.) and the two part ways.

Snooki's friend Ryder drunk dials her and tries to plan an itinerary for a visit the next day, but she's about as good trying to drunkenly appraise the inner-workings of the airlines as I am sober. Everyone agrees that the poor alcoholic waif is going to miss her flight.

Just kidding! The next day, somehow Ryder arrives on time, and Snooki makes a wildebeest noise of joy as the girls hit the town. The two of them drink Margaritas that would probably make Lindsay Lohan's liver say "no thanks," and party the night away. Snooki remarks that they get along so well because they're both the same person, and so real. I can get behind that--it's like she's cheesecake, and you're carrot cake, on account of the...y'know, the orange. But you're both cakes, and that's worth celebrating. Friendship is worth celebrating, my little traffic cone!

The Sitch tells us that he's always aggressive on the dance floor, no matter what, which probably explains that conspicuous assault charge. Some girl begs him to stop touching her, and he eventually relents after a good minute and a half of considering it. Classy. Eventually, he realizes it's time to go home, but someone forgot that you don't get Snooki wet or feed her after midnight and she goes all CRAZY EVIL on him and refuses to leave. Ruh-roh.

The gang returns home, and Snooki turns into a baby cheezit-thing and refuses to be in the same room with The Sitch. The next day, everything's still awkward, and Snooki continues to ignore The Situation. BLESSING IN DISGUISE, SITCHY. Sammi laments that she continues to have no one to hang out with, and I think I may have thrown a hot pocket at the screen because WE GET IT, SAMMI. YOU HAVE A PROFOUND LEARNING DISABILITY. WE'VE MOVED ON. She then demonstrates this disability by letting Ronnie lie on top of her.

JWoww informs us that Snooki and Ryder communicate through an elaborate series of grunts. We then watch this in action, and it's sort of like watching the outtakes from Nell with the orange color filter seriously boosted on your TV. Snooki makes something in a blender which she then remarks "tastes like ass****;" I get the feeling that ass**** is at the base of her food pyramid, somehow. Drinks in hand, Ryder and Snooki decide to play with chalk, and draw the housemates. Snooki thinks Ryder is an artistic genius. If you swap out the "r" in that word with a "u," I'd agree with you, Snookers.

Ryder and Snooki then fondle JWoww's boobs, which are, apparently, real. Somewhere, RuPaul is watching this and is having a envious-drag-queen-rage-stroke. Because, see, JWoww's a man, get it? Anyway, we all go back to the club, and Ramona actually shows up on time...and on Vinny. The Sitch remarks that she's the hotest girl in Miami, and tells us he's a third-generation he puts the moves on Ramona. Oh my. She's having none of it, and clings to Vinny like crabs on...Vinny. Vinny lets us know that he's worried The Situation is obsessed with him, and we're all like WE KNOW! YOU TWO! JUST GO AT IT! BROKEBACK JERSEY! THE WORLD IS READY FOR IT. In pure denial, Sitch goes after Snooki, but, as anyone who's been to traffic school knows--orange means caution, Sitch. She says no, and he gives her a love-slap on the face. Then he hulks out and yells something at her and looks a little bit like Mel Gibson on a bad day. Or maybe on a good day. It's definitely a Mel(t)down, and it's gross.

Sitch tells us that if someone grabbed his face, he'd listen to them. Daterapetastic, Sitch. Awful. Snooki calls him a creep, and for once, I agree with her. Ugh. Ronnie's weirded out, JWoww flips out, Snooki turns an oranger shade and an intervention is contemplated. Instead, everyone decides to have a good time while The Situation sits in a corner and drunkenly weeps. And I wish that was hyperbole, but that's actually what happens. "The Situation" is apparently code for "emotional mangina." And with that, we're done.

Next week's haiku:

The Sitch Mopes Some More

And then, I think he tries to

Burn the whole house down.

More next week, friends. Play nice. Use protection. And remember--orange is the color of Tang, not people. See you in seven.