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TV Recap: 90210 - Hollywood Forever

Without Kelly or Brenda, I care about these characters so little that even with drug busts, nudist sexagenarians, fake babies, and a drug overdose, I feel like nothing of consequence really happened in this show. Okay, the nudist thing really does lack consequence, but it was the only funny moment in the show.

Nonetheless, I suspect you're here for something more than "who cares what happened in 90210?", so let's see what I can do for you…

Principal Dad starts off the episode by interrupting the Pretty Boy Professor's English class to introduce new student, Kimberly Macintyre. Annie tries to make friends by blabbering about being the new girl up until now and knowing how awkward it is and blah blah blah and I want to smack her and tell her to shut up. New New Girl helps a cracker out by verbally bitchsmacking Annie and shutting her up with a line about Annie apparently sucking at the job because now it's hers. When Ryan asks her to tell the class about herself, she gets another shot in at Annie and tells everyone to just take whatever Annie said about herself and "make it better", but then relents and cites some random facts, including her shoe size, her three piercings of which she won't divulge the location, and her love of tacos. Matthews mentions that he likes tacos, too, and Kimberly asks him if he has any piercings. Pretty Boy calculates his odds of a statutory rape conviction and gets back to teaching.

The next morning, Kim tries to get in good with Annie by implying that her late night must mean that she knows how to party. On second viewing, that's rather telling; I'll say no more. Matthews catches her not paying attention and assigns her detention.

In Health Class, Random Teacher assigns the dreaded baby parenting assignment that you see in every. single. damn. show. About teenagers on television. One Dragonball Z reject mouths off about raising babies being women's work and gets assigned to be Navid's gay lover and the baby's caregiver. Ethan and Annie, predictably, get paired up and spend the rest of the episode engaging in awkward dialogue about having a baby without actually dating. It's just painful. And cliché'd. And more than a little annoying.

Dixon follows Silver around while she passes out fliers for her "half-birthday" party, featuring a screening of Psycho at the Hollywood Forever cemetery. She babbles out an explanation about why she's having a half-birthday party, but it's mostly ridiculous and doesn't matter. More important is that Dixon outs himself as a double tool for explaining his lack of familiarity with Hitchcock by saying "I don't do horror movies." because he thinks they're stupid. First of all, Hitchcock didn't do horror - he did suspense, and was a god. Second... okay, most horror movies are pretty stupid, but they're still awesome. Silver pretty much agrees with me and Dixon tries to talk his way out of tooldom by suggesting that Silver educate him. Well, he's really trying to get himself some Silver love, but who can blame him?

Silver takes Dixon to Kelly's house where they discuss the house's potential as a party-pad. Silver plans on charging a cover but allows Dixon the opportunity to work his cover off. She then tells Dixon to sit back, relax, take off his shoes, and prepare to do something he's never done before. Dixon thinks he's about to start working off that cover, but Silver breaks out the horror movies for his horror education. You can almost hear the "wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaaahhhhh" in the background.

Silver waxes on about Rob Zombie's mastery of the genre (yeah, I snickered too) until she realizes that Dixon is asleep. She wakes him up and tells him it's 11:30. He totally misses out on her disappointment and races out the door. I won't even get into his reception at home other than to say it involves a painful Dirty Dancing reference and the parents' resolution to attend Silver's movie showing. The next morning, Silver starts to give Dixon shit about not caring about things that matter to her, but Dixon cuts her off with an apology and all is good again.

Naomi runs into Adrianna, partaking of Visine - the druggie's best friend - and takes a moment to pretend like she cares about anyone but herself by asking how Adrianna and her mom are. Adrianna admits that her mom is pretty much a wannabe Dina Lohan, but she's doing well despite what the rumors say and her only problem is Annie, who stole her part in the play and now dares to audition against her for the horror movie role that Adrianna has conveniently forgotten that she has Annie to thank for the opportunity to try out for. Naomi persists in asking about the rumors, but Adrianna rejects the intervention attempt and demands that they focus on Naomi. Naomi rolls out her whine list - broken up with Ethan again, parents getting a divorce, daddy didn't buy her a pony... all of which Adrianna would know if she wasn't stoned all of the time. Adrianna apologizes and blames it on auditions. The girls make plans to hang out later and then do some kind of weird ritual involving swapping necklaces that must date from Junior High. Naomi's necklace looks a lot nicer - I bet Adrianna sells it for crack.

At the Peach Pit, Naomi runs into Annie, Ethan and her baby. Naomi tries to pretend that she doesn't care that Annie and Ethan are having lunch together, but is even less convincing than Ethan and Annie trying to pretend that they don't totally want into each other's pants. Naomi tries a lame exit line about being over Ethan and his freedom to have as many babies as he wants, but it falls completely flat. Annie calls it awkward, I call it wooden. Annie mocks Ethan about breaking up with Adrianna three times in the past six weeks, but Ethan insists that this time it's for good.

Speaking of that horror audition, Annie's was terrible. While Annie's choking, Adrianna is in the bathroom trying to practice and failing even more miserably than Annie. Adrianna decides that the only way to get through her lines is by doing some lines and starts sniffing. Like Popeye with his spinach, Adrianna automatically gets her shit together. Annie finishes stinking up the room and Adrianna strides out to her spot and tells the producer that she's ready to rock! Jessica Lowndes's druggie act is so cliche'd that it's painful and having Shenae Grimes play a girl who wants to be an actress but isn't very good is too ironic for words. Just sayin'

Principal Dad and Naomi's crazy-eyed mom get out of some kind of meeting when Lady Humpsalot springs the idea to hire a PI to find their son. Principal Dad just takes a step back but doesn't say anything.

When Principal Dad gets home, Debbie and Tabitha (Principal Dad's mom) are arguing about Tabitha giving the gardener a free show. Tabitha insists that she likes how it feels when the water glides off her ass and will do it whenever she wants. She's letting her freak flag fly and is proud of it.

Principal Dad then tells Debbie about Lady Humpsalot's plan to hire a PI and Debbie refuses to be the reason that Harry doesn't try to find his son. Harry still seems reluctant about the PI thing, but wants to write a letter for the adoption agency to give his son if he ever comes looking for his parents. Debbie's all about that idea and we're saved from a makeout session when Harry gets a call about something going down the next day.

Naomi shows up at Adrianna's house to hang out, but the only person home is Lil' Dina, who has mastered the art of following up a compliment with criticisms by complimenting Naomi's look while criticizing her hair. Not that I disagree with her about the hair, but still... what a bitch. Lil' Dina figures that Adrianna is just out celebrating since she got the part in the horror movie. Cut from a disappointed look on Naomi's face to Adrianna snorting coke in a car full of guys. Somebody's running a train tonight...

The next day, Principle Dad meets with Humpsalot and tells her that she doesn't want to hire a PI, but she's already done it. He starts to get pissed, but she cuts it off with a guilt trip by saying that she's been dealing with this since she was 19 and is ready for some resolution. He apologizes for not being around and offers a hug. Humpsalot, ever the opportunist, turns the hug into a kiss before freaking out and leaving the office.

At detention, Kim tries to flirt more with Matthews, sparking an attempt at witty banter culminating in Ryan deciding that he's about as gay as Kim's dad is dead. Don't ask - it's a long, unfunny story. What WAS funny was random goth girl's revelation that her memories of making out with George make her want to rip out her tongue. When Matthews gets called away by another teacher, Kim asks George if he knows where a girl can score some party favors. Again, telling.

Naomi confronts Adrianna about getting stood up. Jessica Lowndes makes an attempt at coked-out behavior while insisting that she was driving to see Naomi, but found out she got the part and had to go home and celebrate Naomi calls bullshit on her because she was at Adrianna's house. Naomi glances into Adrianna's purse and sees a lipstick case that she apparently used to use to store cocaine during an experimentation phase. Adrianna insists she's fine and tries to walk away, but we find out what Harry's phone call was about - the cops are there with drug-sniffing dogs. Adrianna instantly begins to freak out and babbles about getting kicked out of school and losing her movie roles and a whole bunch of other stuff. You'd think an actress could pull of playing it cool alot better. Naomi has a dumbass attack and takes the compact. She tries to walk away coolly and mostly pulls it off until making eye contact with a female cop and making a run for the women's bathroom, which would have been much more effective if it wasn't, you know, a female cop. Naomi is, of course, busted and gets led out of the school in handcuffs.

Annie saw the whole thing and gets Ethan to help her confront Adrianna about the whole thing. Adrianna blows them off, but I suspect that Annie witnessing the drug handoff will be important in a later episode.

Naomi's dad bails her out of jail and they come home to her mom tearing her room apart looking for drugs. Humpsalot (which I suppose isn't really a fair nickname, considering her husband is the one who left her) wonders if Naomi is using drugs again because her dad left, which starts off a huge argument between the parents. Naomi asks them to stop and thinks her dad can just make it all go away, but her dad doesn't think he'll be able to fix it. After her parents go away, Adrianna shows up, apparently having an attack of conscience. Naomi begs Adrianna to tell them that the drugs were hers, mentioning that rehab may actually help her career like it has for so many other starlets.

Adrianna agrees to meet Naomi and her Dad at his lawyer's office after she tells her mom what's going on, but her mom's revelation that they were about to lose the house until Adrianna got her part, which is obviously not what the little drug addict needed to hear.

At the Hollywood Forever Cemetary, everyone is getting ready for the movie. Silver and Dixon are at Johnny Ramone's grave, where Dixon reveals that he's been learning about the Ramones since Silver likes them so much. How incredibly whooped that boy is. Almost as bad as a guy recapping an update of a 90's primetime soap because his fiance asked him too... *cough*

Matthews shows up with his date - a ditzy actress that he met online - and the less said about her the better. While wandering around, Kim runs into Matthews and his ditz. When she teases Ryan that she never would have thought that his type was blonde and vapid, he decides to take a stand and tell her that her pursuit of him is inappropriate. She, of course, tells him to get over himself.

Debbie is understandably upset that Humpsalot kissed Principle Dad and both are frustrated that she's embedded into their lives. Principle Dad spots Kim and slips away to talk to her. In their conversation, we find out that she's an undercover narc, which is kinda funny when you consider Adrianna's accusations of Annie being a narc and Kim's comment that Annie must not be very good at her job since it's Kim's job now.

Well, it was funny to me.

Kim mentions that the day's raid was to make everyone think that the worst was over so they'd let their guard down and then tells Principle Wilson not to talk to her in public again.

Annie and Ethan's insistence that they are not romantically interested in each other and are not on a date at the movie almost breaks down when Ethan tells her that if they weren't on a date then he wouldn't "do this..." and is just about to kiss her when Dixon and Silver pop up to ask them if they're enjoying the movie. Repeat the "wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaahhhhhhhh"

At the lawyer's office, Adrianna has - of course - not shown up and the lawyer is listing all of the possible consequences of Naomi's arrest, including not being able to go to college, get a job, and having to go to jail. Naomi gets more and more freaked out as time goes on and finally calls Adrianna's cellphone, which just goes to voicemail.

We hear Naomi's angry message as the camera looks down on Adrianna laying on the floor with her eyes rolled up into her head, EMT's working around her and shoving a needle into her chest in order to shoot adrenaline directly into her heart, culminating in Naomi's insistence that Adrianna is dead to her.

Yeah, she'll regret that one.