TV Recap: Hell's Kitchen - Something Has Really Gone Fruity Inside Of His Brain!

So we’re down to 6 chefs. I’m writing this before the show even starts because I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly I’m going to write about. There’s no one left that I’m particularly rooting for. Jen’s become non-entertainingly crazy, and everyone else just kind of bores me. I guess Corey’s been pretty good lately, but her whole plan to use her sexuality to help her get ahead a couple of weeks ago is something I’m still laughing about, making it impossible for me to take her seriously. Maybe someone will do something interesting tonight.

Previously: Jen took over on her team and ruined everything, allowing Bobby to sweep in and look good. Matt sweated into all of his food, so Christina and Corey basically had to finish dinner service on their own. Since they won, Matt remained safe and LouRoss was eliminated. At the end, Ramsay ordered Jen and Matt back to their original teams—to everyone’s dismay.

We open with the chef’s going back to the dorms after elimination and I’ve got to say, Petrozza comes out of the gate and is running right to my heart when he compares Matt to a hemorrhoid and asks the question that has to be on everyone’s mind: “What in the hell is Matt still doing here?”.

The next morning, the chefs are taken to what will be London: West Hollywood, Ramsay’s newest restaurant where the grand-prize winner will be working. He brought them up there basically to tell them that the whole Jen/Matt switch meant nothing, as he is merging the teams. Everyone now has the black chef’s jackets. He also shows them a few briefcases full of cash that represents the $250,000 that the winner will receive.

When they get back to Hell’s Kitchen, it’s time for their first individual challenge. Each chef has 45 minutes to prepare a unique dish using a common meat ingredient such as beef, chicken or in Corey’s case, lobster.

Matt’s up first. His dish is a roasted veal loin that Ramsay calls “nice.” Personally I’m a little disappointed that he didn’t immediately vomit—you know, on principle. Christina comes up with her dish, which is a pan-seared sea bass. Ramsey is in an uncharacteristically good mood, calling her dish “fascinating.” Petrozza’s dish is a stuffed chicken breast, about which Ramsay says, “wow. I’ve never seen one individual do so much with a breast.” You know, I was going to make a joke there, but I think it’s best we just move on.

Corey made an asparagus, pea and lobster soup, which Ramsay calls “tasty.” However, he docks her for not using the entire lobster. Jen made a ribeye, which Ramsay thinks may be sliced too thinly, but tells her she pulled it off. Last up is Bobby. He made his version of a duck soup, which Ramsay says is delicious, except that the duck is too tough. A challenge where no one gets eviscerated? What show am I watching here? The Hell’s Kitchen I know would have at least one person in tears and one more with a fine sheen of Ramsay’s spittle on his or her face after being called a donkey. I’m so disappointed.

The challenge comes down to either Jen or Christina. Ramsay asks them both to step forward and praises their imaginative dishes. When we come back from commercial, we find out that the first winner of a Hell’s Kitchen individual challenge is Jen. Oh Lord. Two guesses as to whether or not this will make her more or less annoying. As her prize, she gets to go to Vegas and meet with Rock, last year’s HK winner. She chooses Corey to go with her, which is kind of weird. As punishment, the rest of the chefs have to unload all of the deliveries.

So Matt starts throwing a hissy fit about carrying ice or whatever. I’m not really sure, because whenever he’s on screen for more than five seconds, I start mentally rocking back and forth in a corner. Anyway, Bobby says that he’s worried about him and is afraid he’s going Full Metal Jacket. I object to this characterization. I have written about Vincent D’Onofrio. I have seen Vincent D’Onofrio in the airport and squealed involuntarily. I have even had awkward dreams that have involved me cheating on my boyfriend with Vincent D’Onofrio. And Matt sir, is no Vincent D’Onofrio.

But seriously. That dude is pretty crazy.

As Ramsay is getting the chefs ready for dinner service, he puts both Christina and Matt, who have been bickering all day, on the meat station. Thank you Gordon, for knowing how to create drama when people start to get boring. You know what else is boring? The absolute lack of self-awareness that seems to afflict most reality show participants. To wit: “Christina needs to grow up. She’s a nasty little bitch with a lot of cellulite on her ass.” Yes, that would be our favorite sweatball, Matt, saying that.

I would get into why this is offensive, except it’s not. Yeah, it sucks that women who compete with men are often deconstructed down to their body parts and blemishes, but it’s coming from Matt, the guy who wins the Constantine Maroulis Honorary Award for “Guy On A Reality-Competition Show Who Is Most Likely To Drive A Windowless Van And Rub His Weiner On Things.” And that guy? Is not a dude whose criticisms should be taken to heart.

Dinner service gets off to a pretty good start, with Jen’s risotto earning high marks from Ramsay. Despite the fact that her second batch turns out salty, 30 minutes into dinner service, half of the appetizers have already gone out. When they start on the entrees, Matt’s lack of communication screws things up right off the bat.

Things only get worse when Corey catches her hand on fire (is it just me, or is this season’s cast way more accident-prone than usual?) and Ramsay tells her to go to the medic. She tells him no. Like, repeatedly. He orders her to do it and she refuses like a petulant child. It’s kind of ballsy and really stupid. In the end, she finally runs off to the medic.

Corey ends up bouncing back, but Matt continues to slide downhill, or as Bobby says, “something has really gone fruity inside of his brain!” That something fruity is apparently a migraine. I know this because Matt mentions the fact that he has a migraine every 30 seconds. This apparently evolves into him losing feeling in his hands, at which point Ramsay grabs him by the wrist, leads him out of the kitchen and tells him to go lie down in the dorms. I kind of hoped that Ramsay was going to test the “no feeling in his hands” thing by smashing one with a meat mallet, but that would probably be against some kind of law—although to me, it seems like a valid diagnostic test. I’m sure House would do it.

Ramsay doesn’t seem to be back for more than five minutes before more heads start to roll. Jen puts a pot of rice on at Christina’s station and forgets about it, so it burns. Ramsay hates burned rice, so he tells her to go to the dorms. He yells at Christina though, for not noticing it sooner and tells her to take off her apron, leaving only three chefs in the kitchen to finish dinner service. I’m excited about this, except that Ramsay just decides to shut the whole thing down and tells everyone to go back to the dorms and decide on two people to nominate for elimination.

At elimination, the two nominees are Matt and Christina, which I find kind of surprising. Not the Matt part, obvs., but the Christina part. It didn’t seem like she did anything terrible. Corey tells Ramsay that she believes she should have been put up for elimination instead of Christina, but the team wouldn’t do it. Ramsay agrees with her and calls all three of them to the front.

He yells at Corey about her emotions, Matt about his incompetence, and Christina about her inexperience. He inevitably chose Matt to leave, eliciting big smiles from everyone. Matt of course had to go, but frankly I’m a little surprised. I kind of suspected that Ramsay would keep him around for a little while longer just to create tension. In the end though, only one question remains: What the hell ever happened to the rest of his finger?

Next Week: It’s a Hell’s Kitchen cooking school!