TV Recap: Nip/Tuck – Roxy St. James

Oh, my. What in the name of Obama is going on this week? Guess a touch of color in the White House makes everybody want to sign up for the hottest race in town. Jennifer Coolidge returns to McNamara/Troy in her recurrent role as surgery-obsessed, awful actress Candy Richards, and apparently what she doesn’t like about herself this time is her “honky” heritage. Decked out in gold caps and braids, she explains that an at-home DNA kit has revealed she’s really African-American and she wants her favorite docs to give her butt implants just in time for her hip hop video debut. Like I said. Oh, my.

Now that Sean has accepted his ability to walk, he finds the strength to help Christian stand on his own two feet. He recommends a breast cancer support group to aid his partner in dealing with post-diagnosis anger and fear. Christian finally agrees to attend and makes his standard bang-up first impression, laughing at a woman who actually believes her husband finds her mastectomy scar sexy. And, of course, he takes home the chain-smoking “bad girl” of the group for some hardcore screwing. Roxy has a perfectly good set of tits and a clean bill of health, but she also has a family history of breast cancer. Rather than follow her mother and sister to the grave, she begs Christian to remove her breasts and replace them with fakes.

Along with lending a hand to Christian, Sean also agrees to help out his ex’s girl by performing a facelift on Julia’s lover, Olivia. Despite being a holistic medicine practitioner, she’s looking for some rejuvenation in her life, even if it comes from Western methods. During the consultation, Sean learns that Julia and Olivia will be starting fresh with the kids in New York City, news that angers and terrifies Dr. Mac. He screams on Jules for not telling him their plans, then kisses her and tries to reconcile. No go.

Speaking of wishy-washy lesbians, Lizzy’s encounter with Christian has left her all confused. Her atomic orgasm makes her fear she’ll never find a woman who can hit that spot, so she decides to get all dolled up and date…a man! Where’s the loyalty? Isn’t there a swearing-in ceremony once you’re on the team? The lucky fella’s a handsome anesthesiologist Liz meets at a conference and Christian is definitely jealous. But the guy turns out to be a total dud and Liz admits it isn’t men she now likes but just one man.

Christian agrees to perform the double mastectomy on Roxy, but Liz is disturbed by the patient’s decision to disfigure herself without proof she’ll ever get cancer in the first place. She manages to convince Christian not to follow through with the operation, and he’s forced to watch Roxy awake to the disappointment of still being a whole woman. And this woman is really disappointed. So much so, she returns to the offices of McNamara/Troy, pulls out an electric carving knife, and, in front of horrified clients, slices off her own left breast!!! Oh, my God! I have a giant pair of my own tatas and we have a love-hate relationship, but I’ll never hate them that much!

Olivia’s surgery also ends badly: Sean’s rage gets the better of him and he hallucinates an argument with her while she’s under the knife. Before he wakes from his reverie, Ollie goes into cardiac arrest. They transport her to the nearest hospital where she’s declared dead. Julia blames Sean for the tragedy but we learn later that the culprit was actually an antidepressant interaction with the anesthesia. She didn’t report the prescription to the docs and Julia never realized her partner was depressed. But Eden did. Yes, Olivia’s skanky teenage daughter returns from a Hungarian porno set just in time to blame Sean and Julia for her mother’s death, blame her dead mother for shooting Julia (although she was the real gunman), and to throw Ollie’s ashes in Sean and Julia’s faces.

Well, at least two good things came out of this episode: (1) we learned that Jennifer Coolidge should never, EVER rap; and (2) Christian’s son Wilbur finally speaks! He’s not a mute! I was beginning to worry about the poor kid. I always thought he was a cutie but his bedtime exchange with Liz is super adorable. FX, let’s give the boy some more lines.

I would’ve also included Christian and Liz getting together, but I don’t know how I feel about that yet. I love to see two lonely people find comfort in each other, but this couple is weird. And doomed from the start.

Next Week: Christian receives his long-awaited chest reconstruction and gets his mojo back, much to new “girlfriend” Lizzy’s dismay. And how gross is it to have your son surgically enhance your dong? Ask Raj.