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The Finale is here, the finale is here! This is bittersweet for me as I hate to see the wives go but I am also VERY excited to see what the reunion will bring, as well as the new wives from NJ. The future holds so many opportunities it's blinding me with trashy dreams! But first we must dissect this final episode, so we begin at the beginning...
The episode picks up where last week ended. The ladies are planning the Arthritis benefit post Kelly vs. Bethenny round two. Ramona shows up late and frazzled but she has a surprise. She got a sponsor for the benefit who will donate $10,000. Jill feels this warrants a "step & repeat" which is the name for a background that you stop in front of to get your picture taken on a red carpet. Who knew? Jill wants to put Zarin Fabrics on the background but Ramona shuts her down because she thinks that is "déclassé," or as Ramona says, "Day Classaye." So they bicker, bicker, bicker until Alex shows up and puts an entirely new reason to argue out there. She announces that she has not invited a single person to the event yet and it's only one week away. Well the ladies are appalled as you can imagine, and this gives Ramona one more reason to hate Alex. She thinks she's a "wet noodle" who never adds anything to a situation. I could see that. She is pretty thin, and pale, and hunched. Her body is kind of like a noodle. I'm going to have to agree with Ramona on this one.
Something boring happens with the Countess and Count. They donated to a deaf school? Nasdaq? Who cares. Later Bethenny comes by the Countess's house so she can teach Rosie, the maid, how to cook because otherwise the Countess was going to have to send Rosie to cooking school but she can't live without Rosie so that would be impossible. Two questions: 1. How has Rosie been their caretaker for this long and not known how to cook? I KNOW the countess ain't cooking. I've seen her falter over ordering pizza on her own. 2. What cooking schools require you to live on campus? Could she not take 1-2 classes a week and still make it back to the Countess's lair to tussle her hair before bed time? Was she planning on sending her to The Olive Garden school of cooking in Tuscany? Maybe the Countess is addicted to the endless pasta and bread sticks.
Ok back to the cooking and chatting. Bethenny tries to get to know Rosie as they cook so she bombards her with intense questions, Bethenny style. "Do you have a Boyfriend?" "Is he your age?" How long have you been with him?" The Countess answers, Oh yes she has a lovely boyfriend. Bethenny asks Rosie if they're in love, to which Rosie answers, "Yes I think so." The Countess is COMPLETELY taken aback by this, "WOW Rosie, I had no idea!" What? You just said that she has a lovely boyfriend whom she's been with for a year, yet you assume she hates him? What is wrong with you? Also, would it kill you to ask the woman who changes your diaper on a daily basis a few questions about her life? The level of selfishness on this show never ceases to amaze me.
Back to the good stuff. Ally gets a sex/drugs talk with her Mutha, Jill Zaaaarin. This is the most amazing sex/drugs talk ever. Ally is so lucky. Jill says she wants to let Ally know that she won't ever shock her. "She's been there, seen it all," so she shouldn't be afraid to talk to her. Really Jill? For some reason I can't picture you shooting heroine after a long night of donkey punching, because we all know, once you've experienced a Donkey Punch, you've done it all. She starts the talk off with "So sex, do you know what it is?" Ohhhh Jill, your daughter has arthritis. I think she's way passed that.
The day of the arthritis event comes and Jill and Ramona are working to set everything up. Ramona points out that there is a lot of signage behind the bar that looks "day classaye." The signs are for liquor brands that Bethenny got to sponsor the event, offering $20,000 in free alcohol. One of the signs turns out to be for Skinny Girl Cocktails so this starts the drama. Jill thinks Bethenny purposely didn't point out that they could have sold advertising space behind the bar and used it to only promote herself. This then turns into a rant about how this event is about her (Jill) and she can't believe Bethenny would try to screw her over at her event. Hmm funny, I thought the event was about supporting arthritis? And I thought Bethenny did help by getting liquor companies to give free alcohol? Funny how this went from being about raising money for charity to a party for Jill. Hmmmmm
The party starts and O M G! Simon is wearing RUBY RED, lace up, plastic pants. HOLY GOD. He did it. He's FINALLY outed himself. Thank God it's happened. Kelly starts talking to him about his pants and she describes him as "a young girl in fashion who just can't get enough." This she finds refreshing.
Bethenny, who is dressed like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's, cute but a bit costumey, sees the lack of signage and finds out what Jill and Rasmona did. She goes to talk to Jill and is immediately shut down. She tries to talk to Ramona and Ramona denies, denies, denies and tries to smooth things over with her crazy eyes. Somehow this actually works to calm Bethenny down a bit and it gives Bethenny the strength to smooth things over with Jill before her big speech--because this is all about Jill in the end. They calm down, stop shaking and Jill gets on stage with her daughter, Ally. Ally, who is the face of this Benjamin Buttons disease, speaks and not one self-absorbed soul pays attention to her. Jill grabs the mic back and steals back her spotlight. More speeches happen, auction money is spent, and self-indulgent congratulations abound. And that's basically it. No part three of Kelly vs. Bethenny and the Jill and Ramona vs. Bethenny fight was overhyped. Booo. But there's always the reunion! Before we leave them though we get a deeper look into the lives of each of the droids.
Ramona: We find out how Ramona met Mario. He would watch her butt go up and down on the StairMaster. How Romantic.
The Countess: She leaves us with a few words of her mighty wisdom. "Life is about seduction. You seduce your husband, you seduce a salesgirl." What? Maybe that's why her husband left her. She was always seducing salesgirls.
Bethenny: Believes she is the perfect woman. Martha Stewart mixed with Carrie Bradshaw, because she knows how to cook and party. But she's still not sure if she can have it all. Apparently she now has a boyfriend AND a bestselling book so she may have found it all.
Alex and Simon: Still molesting each other on dance floors and are completely and utterly in love, as always. Picture a wet noodle grinding on a drag queen in red plastic pants. Yikes!
Kelly: Has to go, bye! Oh and she's the luckiest girl in the world, until she punched her boyfriend in the face and had to go to court. Oops! Perhaps she took a lesson from the sex talk Jill gave her.
Jill: And then there's Jill. She's happy because the charity was a success and her next project is sending her 80-year-old daughter to college.
One last look before we end, a wonderful sight that includes Ramona making fun of Simon to his face. She tells him his red pants are too "tutu and froo froo." She basically called him a nancy boy, but then decided to go with it and dance with this nancy boy into the night. And you know how Ramona likes to boogie, the same way Simon does, "déclassé."