This week on The Real Housewives of NYC we get to see round two of the infamous Kelly vs. Bethenny face off. I was REALLY hoping that this week one of them would actually rip the others face off but alas, maybe next time. We also get to see the finished renovation of the Beales'... I mean the Van Kempen's Brooklyn brownstone. Ramona gets her old lady skin removed and the Countess is slowly but surely seeing the crazy that lies within Kelly.
We start off with the van Kempen's and their renovation. They have finished buying all of the tacky furniture so now they need "dramatic" drapes. Lucky for them they know the owners of Zarin Fabrics. They bring their sons Franswaaaaaa and Johann, who proceed to destroy the store. Jill no happy. The Van Kempen's believe they're going to renovate their house in about one day. They set a deadline to have it done in time for a house warming party in a couple of weeks. So this better be done, but you know it won't be. They are simultaneously party planning and renovating--more time spent on party planning it seems. They debate about whether or not to invite Ramona to the party. Alex doesn't seem to want to invite her but Simon is all for it. A good bitch knows when to keep her enemies close, am I right Simon? The house is in a shambles still and the party is in just five days. Jill is going to throw up as soon as she enters this house.
Bethenny went down to Franky L'Official (her hair salon) to get her hair did. This trip consisted of calling the straight men gay and the gay men straight and all of them loving it. Franky, a beautiful French gay man whom Bethenny is secretly besties with, wants to set Bethenny up with a man named Phillipe. Franky has the right idea, he thinks Bethenny should stop dating business men and start dating more models. She seems hesitant at first but once she sees Philippe's picture she is sold. Franky suggests that Bethenny wear something that shows her "boobie" on the date because "he love her boobie."
Bethenny tells Jill about her blind date and she doesn't seem to approve of the fact that Phillippe is a model. Oh and Jill also points out that Bethenny's boobs look smaller (which I don't understand because her boobs are clearly fake). Jill thinks Bethenny should be with a nerd and not a model but Bethenny finds these days that the nerds are the jerks because they were insecure in High school and are now realizing they can get laid because they have money. Jill thinks that Bethenny should just marry her gay hairdresser, lead separate yet perfect lives and get over it. Bethenny thinks that might be the right answer because she can't seem to have her cake and eat it too. She does not want to be like Martha Stewart but she does want to be rich and famous. Isn't that ALWAYS the way? Bethenny meets Philippe at the restaurant Philippe and MAN ALIVE... he is SO hot and has a French accent and is totally into her. Bethenny is definitely going to have to take him head to head with Kelly's import. It will be the Franco-Spanish war all over again and we know how that one ended the first time (pssst, the French won).
Ramona wants to get Botox in her armpits so she'll stop sweating all over her silk and cashmere tops. Actually, she doesn't want to do Botox because it's too many needles so instead she wants one GIANT needle jabbed into her armpit. I could think of somewhere else to jab that needle if you want to know Ramona. Then Ramona gets some sort of laser treatment on her liver spots to hide the fact that she's 85 years old.
The Countess and Kelly go out for drinks with the Countess's nieces because she wants to be like "Sex and the City." Kelly starts telling them that when she goes out on a date with a guy she can't eat a salad or pasta but steak is cool because she's soooooo thin as it is she's not going to eat just a salad. It must be tough Kelly, rough life you have. Kill yourself. Suddenly Max, Kelly's lova, shows up to girls night. Kelly must have told him to stop by and save her at some point but instead of leaving she gazes at him with a very creepy glare and a giant grin. He must have changed his mind after seeing her big dumb mug because he skedaddles right out of there.
After Max leaves the Countess asks Kelly how long she's been dating him. Kelly refuses to answer that question because apparently she thinks her friends are paparazzi. Here's some gossip for you Kelly, no one cares. It wouldn't matter if the Countess was working for Star Magazine, no one would be trying to sell pictures of you with the men you pay to date you
So the van Kempen house is semi-together and it's time for the party. Simon is wearing a FABULOUS black rain coat jacket. Or snake skin? Or maybe it's patent leather? I don't know what it is but I DO know it's hideous and looks wet and shiny. Kelly is the first to arrive--someone learned their lesson on tardiness I see. She also has no clue what Brooklyn is or where she is. The decor of the house is, as Bethenny puts it, " a little Bordello and Gothic," but hey pulled it together in time for the party so you have to hand it to them to some degree. The rest of the troops arrive and Jill immediately starts calling Kelly out on being late to her own Halloween party. Bethenny watches from the side EATING it up. She loves Jill so much right at that moment.
The party ends and Jill, Jewish mother that she is, feels the need to meddle and clear this tension between Bethenny and Kelly. She invites them both over to her apartment to talk and we get round two **DING DING DING** of Kelly vs. Bethenny. Or more to the point, Kelly spewing shards of madness from her lips as Bethenny prays for someone to walk in a witness it with her. Bethenny begins by saying how she doesn't want this tension and she wants to clear the air. Then Kelly asks her if she ever heard of "a mountain and a molehill," Bethenny says, "you mean making a mountain out of a molehill?" "Yes," says Kelly and proceeds to tell her how she is making this a bigger deal than it has to be. She then loses her mind and her head starts spinning and green vomit colors the walls. What? I mean she makes up some nonsense about Bethenny having said the exact things SHE said to her the last time they fought and she then whines like a 5-year-old for Bethenny to stop talking, when Kelly is the only one talking. Kelly ends it on the note "you look adorable in that Zach dress but let's end this conversation." Smooth exit strategy Kelly. Win her over with meaningless compliments and the pretend you're totally innocent and sweet. I guess that's how you get most people to listen to your jibber jabber but Bethenny will not let you have the last laugh. OH NO! It will be a cold day in Hell's Kitchen when Bethenny Frankel let's the village idiot call her adorable. Round two: Bethenny--3, Sasquatch--0.