Veep Season Finale: The 30 Wittiest And Filthiest Lines

Tonight, Veep ended its absolutely top-notch third season with a double episode extravaganza that dared to potentially redefine everything we have come to know about this show. For tonight, Vice President Selina Meyers (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) actually became the President of the United States…sort of. And we’re celebrating the nation's first FPOTUS by bringing you the 30 funniest and Veepiest lines from tonight’s episodes. They don’t call it a political party for nothing, right?

To quickly summarize, the President resigned from office to take care of his suicidal wife – a situation that earned little if any respect from Selina and her crew – and this ensemble squad of misfits is now on their way to the Oval Office proper. Does that mean Veep will have to change its name when it comes back to HBO for its fourth season? Probably not, as Selina will presumably still be on the campaign trail to get herself voted into office, but it would be just like this series to change its name mid-run. But enough about the future; let’s laugh about the very recent past.


Crate (Episode 09)

1. “Nothing says regular American like standing on a street corner shouting at strangers.” – Dan

2. “It’s like a chicken came in your mouth…I think eggs are my favorite breakfast.” – Jonah

3. “She thinks it looks folksy, but she really looks like Dustin Hoffman on a crate.” – Mike

4. “Oh, my God. I cannot stand that affected butt plug. If I could life the fucking crate, I’d beat him to death with it.” – Selina

5. "I don’t have any friends in D.C., Mom. They all call me a dick behind my back. But like, right behind my back, so I can hear them.” – Jonah

6. “Siri, why does God allow suffering?” – Mike

7. “I was just admiring your charging portal. It’s so clean. Do you swab it?” – Mike

8. “You know what V.P. stands for? Victory Permafucked.” – Selina

9. “When I get excited, my nose bleeds! When I get excited, my nose bleeds!” – Gary

10. “Someone has just flown two planes into my career.” – Jonah


New Hampshire (Episode 10)

1. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ma’am? You can’t get too distracted by being president because you’re still campaigning to be president. I’m not sure that Beyoncé fully understands that.” – Amy

2. “I’m so glad it’s meee!” – Selina

3. “Good Luck in Your New Job!” – Selina’s plain banner

4. “Can’t we just take ‘em out? Is Jack Ruby still alive?” – Selina

5. “God, there’s so many people in here. It’s like a Mormon orgy.” – Selina

6. “It just destroyed me. I mean, I was bulimic the whole first year and I didn’t even lose any weight from it.” - Ben

7. “Ben, I swear to sweet Jesus Christ, if you don’t do this, I’m gonna bring back Prohibition.” – Selina

8. “Alternatively, goodbye forever.” – Kent

9. “No, you misheard me, Dan. Torture is a terrible thing. You know, I told you when I was telling you I wasn’t telling you what I told you. The fuck stops here, Dan.” – Ben

10. “I can’t denounce it. That’s like Peter denouncing Christ, or worse.” – Jonah


11. “The chicken is dressed as Bin Laden or you’re dressed as Bin Laden?” – Dan

12. “It’s like she’s walking on a carpet of mice.” – Mike

13. “Take these fucking shoes and shoot ‘em in the fucking head.” – Selina

14. “Yeah, it’s terrible PR. You might as well drive a suicide clown car into the Lincoln Memorial.” – Ben

15. “Let’s vote her out and make the Commander-in-Chief the Commander-in-Brief.” – anti-Selina ad

16. “Yeah, I want a Jonah. And henceforth they will no longer be known as 'Jonahs.' They’ll be known as Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the fuck that person’s name turns out to be. And you can’t hire anyone named Jonah. Okay? See, I’m onto you already.” – Jonah

17. “Just not a hospice. I can’t risk some fucker flatlining right next to me.” – Selina

18. “It’s not like I’m trying to get sworn in by an Elvis impersonator.” – Selina

19. "It's one percent. That's nothing. I mean, you're basically second. You're second in our eyes, I tell you that much." – Gary

20. “I came in third, Amy. Okay? Even the Nazis came in second.” – Selina

Nick Venable
Assistant Managing Editor

Nick is a Cajun Country native and an Assistant Managing Editor with a focus on TV and features. His humble origin story with CinemaBlend began all the way back in the pre-streaming era, circa 2009, as a freelancing DVD reviewer and TV recapper.  Nick leapfrogged over to the small screen to cover more and more television news and interviews, eventually taking over the section for the current era and covering topics like Yellowstone, The Walking Dead and horror. Born in Louisiana and currently living in Texas — Who Dat Nation over America’s Team all day, all night — Nick spent several years in the hospitality industry, and also worked as a 911 operator. If you ever happened to hear his music or read his comics/short stories, you have his sympathy.