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Like most other triple digit IQ encompassing Americans, I hate reality television. I scoff at the barely human caricatures and the clearly deciphered scripts. There’s nothing real about it. If you want something legitimately factual, come tape my life. It’s pretty exciting. I’ll probably smoke four pounds of hookah today and end up watching the last half of Clue on two separate occasions (Note: I will definitely spend both second halves bitching about missing Yvette dancing at the beginning).
I could probably write eight more paragraphs of well-thought out and obscure pop-culture-ridden critiques on why Mark Burnett is the bane of Jesus, but I don’t want to. Reality television is just too damn good. I know I just said I hated it, but I was being facetious. Come’on, have you ever read my column before? From ‘American Idol’ to ‘The Biggest Loser’, I crave fictionalized human emotions more than Terry Nichols lusted after sidekick immortality. You may roll your eyes or chastise me for obsessing over ‘Laguna Beach’, but judging me is completely unfair. After all, I kept my mouth shut after I found out you watched ‘Dharma and Greg.’
Over the years, I have grown to admire quite a few reality characters. There was just something inherently intriguing about Dave Martin from ‘Top Chef’ or Richard Hatch from ‘Survivor.’ Actually, come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever met an unentertaining chubby gay guy. Silly bastards. But, over the years, there also have been an exponentially greater number of complete and utter disaster areas on reality TV. I’m not talking about the people who are just a little bit annoying; I’m talking about the unruly assholes who make you want to jump through the TV and cut their LVAD wires (Fuckin Izzie….).
So without further ado, here is my list of the Fifteen Most Pathetically Unwatchable Reality Stars….
15) Dr. Sean Kenniff- ‘Survivor’ (Borneo) You may remember the frivolous physician from the first season of the emerging juggernaut. He ended up finishing fifth, but it was his system of voting players off that drew my ire. Rather than casting a tally for who he disliked or who was strategically important, Dr. Sean would elect whichever contestant’s name was next in alphabetical order. How the hell was this guy a chief medical resident? If he was next on my alphabetical list, I would write in his name for chief unconfrontational pussy.
14) Buck Star- ‘Last Comic Standing’ (Season 2) “Hey, this is Buck Star. Welcome to the Buck Star show.” Those eleven words represent everything that is heinous and wrong in Western culture. Statistically judging by the ratings, most of you reading this didn’t watch ‘Last Comic Standing’; so here’s a little bio on the hack comedian. Basically, this douche followed producers and talent agents around the country to every single audition stop in the hopes of making it big. Star represented the lowest quality of the low quality comedians. His humor was obvious and poorly timed, and rumors even circulated that he was actually an NBC production assistant.
13) Dieter Schmitz- ‘Laguna Beach’ (Season 1) Dieter was always very nice, and his girlfriend, Jessica, had monstrous boobs (monstrous!), but the reserved high school senior was guilty of an unforgivable crime. Nearly every time he appeared on screen, his moniker was “Stephen’s Wingman.” Have some pride, dude. Even if you are the Ron Weasley of the duo, never admit it. Just tell all of your friends that you’re secretly wielding power from the inside.
12) Sanjaya Malakar- ‘American Idol’ (Season 6) It’s never a good sign when your claim to fame is a few terrible hair styles and a less than enthusiastic Bonnie Raitt cover. I know Sanjaya is only seventeen, but by sixteen Alexander The Great was regent of Macedonia. What has this schmuck done? Nothing, unless you count upstaging Paula Abdul in erratic and foolish behavior.
11) Heidi Montag- ‘The Hills’ (Season 1) Lo was so much of a better best friend to Lauren Conrad than this skank ever was or will be. She’s extraordinarily self-centered and boy crazy. It’s like she never graduated 10th grade. I hate her more than Son Of Sam. At least David Berkowitz received orders from a dog to destroy lives. What’s Heidi’s excuse?
10) Jonathan Baker- ‘The Amazing Race’ (Season 6) You probably remember Jonathan from any one of numerous times in which he berated his Playmate partner Victoria Fuller. I can understand getting frustrated on a hectic cross-continent journey, but his epic diatribes and rants were about as far from helpful as possible. Some of his belittling comments made Al Bundy look like a sweet and sensitive husband. Plus he died his hair blue. That’s just Smurfing retarded.
9) Everyone Involved On ‘Growing Up Gotti’ (Every episode) Here’s a great idea for a show. Let’s take the slutty daughter of a feared organized crime boss and give her and her three inaudible douche bag sons their own program. It’s never a good sign when a reality show routinely needs subtitles to translate what English speakers are saying. If I really want to be entertained by Italians arguing, I’ll just go the park and watch two homeless Sicilians banter back and forth about which one routinely takes less of their medications.
8) Kellie Pickler- ‘American Idol’ (Season 5) The word ignorant is a glorifying compliment to this trailer-trash princess. She makes Jamie Pressley’s character in Joe Dirt look like Maya Angelou. It’s a pretty sobering experience to watch a dimwitted buffoon try to get through life without dying, but this bitch basked in her metal ineptitude. She tried to pass off shallow denseness as an upstanding personality trait. It’s so perverse and outrageous that it almost works. Almost. She’s like a John Waters character without the filthy likeability.
7) Darva Conger- ‘Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire?’ (Season 1) Darva’s historical importance probably falls somewhere below Augustus Gloop and above the band The Vengaboys. It’s important to note that her historical importance is not derived from her appearance on the failed reality wedding but as a testament to the extreme vapidness of select portions of her generation. She is the failed mix of pond scum and seaweed that has collected between the toes of other more interesting people.
6) David Broom- ‘The Real World’ (New Orleans) David Broom’s incessant and over-the-top promiscuity during his tenure as house man-whore made Gene Simmons look like an abstinence-only counselor. Add that endearing STD-ridden feature to his often passive aggressive personality, and you have a real winner. Also worth noting is his 2004 arrest for receiving oral sex from a prostitute. It’s a little reassuring to know that someone can turn fifteen minutes of fame into paying for sex in less than a decade. Well played, sir.
5) Tiffani Faison- ‘Top Chef’ (Season 1) There’s three ever-important and constant reality show rules: Always be exciting and entertaining to watch, continually talk about people behind their backs, and NEVER fuck with ‘Top Chef’s’ Dave Martin. He’s not your bitch, bitch. In a bold move, Tiffani broke the latter and reaped the middle-aged wrath that followed. Along with drawing the ire of television’s all-time greatest reality star, Tiffani also forced a general malaise over the entire competition with her shady evil eyes and general bitch demeanor. I hate her more than General Custer, and that’s a lot to admit for someone’s who grandmother was half Cherokee.
4) New York- ‘Flavor Of Love’ (Season 1) If Bathsheba and a black Satan had a daughter, it would probably end up looking like this whore-tastic witch. I know that love (and possibly even intense lust) can bring out the more negative aspects of a personality, but is Flavor Flav really worth it? (Hint: No.) Maybe, I’ll sell my soul and become a total prick in a televised attempt at carnal relations with Roseanne Bar.
3) Jason Wahler- ‘Laguna Beach’ (Season 2) Why did every girl at Laguna Beach High think it was a good idea to hook up with this tool box? I realize he played baseball and had a better-than-average beard for a high schooler, but awkward silence and obvious comments were his dating strategy. Girls just assumed he was evasive and hard to get to, but I bet, in reality, a potent combination of cocaine and Human Growth Hormone was blocking his brain from sending intelligent messages to his mouth. I’m feeling an entire Dr. Phil episode trying to fix this idiot coming.
2) Marguerite Perrin- ‘Trading Spouses’ (2 Separate Seasons) The infamous God Warrior! Marguerite’s bizarre first run on ‘Trading Spouses’ was such a horrific train wreck that they sent her back for another two episode gem. I’m really not sure what I liked better: her contrived attempts at throwing up or her two fisted tear of the fifty thousand dollar check. The latter is probably slightly more amusing due to her sudden change of heart and ultimate acceptance of the dollar bills. The strange thing is how nice her husband is. His quiet, nice demeanor plays as the antithesis to her raving, self-Martyr attempts.
1) Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth- ‘The Apprentice’ (Season 1) Her lying, conniving, pity-whoring, pathetic, childish imitation of an empowered female executive plays for more laughs than anything Charlie Chaplin ever did. To say that I hate Omarosa is a colossal understatement akin to calling Hurricane Katrina a slight inconvenience. She is the epitome of evil, and the reincarnation of Nancy Spungen. In the words of rogue ‘Survivor’ contestant Sue Hawk, “If I would ever pass you along in life and you are laying there dying of thirst, I would not give you a drink of water. I would let the vultures take you and do whatever they want with you with no ill regrets.”
It takes a horrid and pompous person to top this list of demons, and Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, you did it. You’re absurd shittiness at life is epic, and we here at TV Blend flick you off.