Lord knows, I normally take every possible opportunity to sully the good name of Jesus and more specifically, the Catholic Church, but *gasp* I’m fervently on board with their decision regarding Tom Hanks and his currently-being-filmed abortion Angels and Demons.

In case you’ve been holed up in prayer for the last five years, I’ll give you a quick Star Wars this is what you may have missed paragraph:

Not so long ago, in our own galaxy, below-average novelist Dan Brown wrote a crummy, poorly versed piece of fiction, which he claimed was historically accurate despite the fact it was largely based on an admitted forgery, "The Priory Of Sion". Upon the book’s release, the church fell all over itself calling bullshit (rightfully so), and in turn, millions of Philistines hit up Borders for the first time in a decade to make their first non CD or flavored coffee purchase. Richie Cunningham acquired the novel’s rights, and a movie was made with loveable everyman Tom Hanks, which made more money than the Dyson (maybe?). A new Dan Brown movie based on the same premise is currently in production, and producers have petitioned the Catholic Church for permission to film inside several historical churches. The Pope told everyone involved to go fuck themselves, and here I am, writing an essay about it...

Caught up? Then let’s roll...

The Catholic Church is a drainage ditch of hypocrisy, book burning, and groupthink. They’ve hoarded some of the world’s best pornography for centuries and set historical study back thousands of years by destroying millions of documents because it didn’t advance their own causes. If the Pope came to my house for dinner, I’d piss in his drink and set fire to the donation plates he caresses so gently to his heart like a three year old hugging a teddy bear. In short, we’re mortal enemies, but contrary to what ignorant maxims might tell you, the enemy of my enemy is not my friend.

Dan Brown is a liar, a thief, and a worse writer than J.K. Rowling. He took someone else’s concept, (Holy Blood, Holy Grail), passed it off as his own (even though the original document had massive flaws), and shoved it into the public’s mostly willing anus. Most people praise him for “getting the common man to read again”, but this strikes me as similar to praising the studio suits behind National Treasure II for getting my father to haul his ass to Kerasotes for the first time in five years. If Dan Brown came to my house for dinner, I’d piss in his drink and blare audio tapes of some goof reading Bret Easton Ellis novels to try and instill some sense of wordplay into his buoyant cranium. In short, we’re also mortal enemies, but contrary to what my gut instincts may tell me about Catholicism, my enemy (the Pope) is right.

Let’s say I own land in Martinsville, Indiana. I don’t, but we’re going to say I own nine acres. Nah. Let’s make it thirty for the sole purpose of inflating my ego in this fictitious storyline. Now, you may not be aware of this, but Martinsville, Indiana has played a prominent role in the Ku Klux Klan’s history. Some still claim it’s the epicenter of Klan activity today, but that’s a needless debate not forwarding the central thesis of this article. So, if Ralph Malph (it’s unlikely Richie Cunningham would make this movie too) sent me a letter asking for permission to use my thirty acres in order to remake Birth Of A Nation, possibly the most racist piece of shit film ever made, I’d tell him to sit on it. And that’s basically what the Catholic Church has done here.

It’s not a matter of whether I’m morally offended by Dan Brown’s blasphemous rhetoric (I’m not). It’s a matter of whether the Catholic Church has the right to use their own property any way they see fit. They do. And just as I would defend my fictitious thirty acres in Martinsville, Indiana from being exploited by douche bags endorsing a cause I’m not down with, I will stand up and defend my mortal enemy’s (the Pope) right to tell Dan Brown where to stick his Holy Grail, and anyone who disagrees is just flat out ignorant or too biased to see past their own desire for a B- big budget sequel.