Teen Choice Awards Pirates

To absolutely no one’s surprise, Pirates of the Caribbean dominated this past Sunday at the Teen Choice Awards. The movie won for Choice Movie: Action Adventure (whatever that means) and its stars Johnny Depp, Keira Knightley, and Bill Nighy also took home whatever it is they give out as an honor. Maybe they all get gold-plated MySpace pages?

The night’s other big winner was the awful High School Musical 2, which I tried to watch part of yesterday only to wake up ten minutes later in my bathroom with a bottle of pills and a hangman’s noose in my hands. I guess that means I hated it.

It’s not all bad in the world of teens though. They aren’t a complete waste of space. Sure, they gave an award to that super-crappy Cameron Diaz movie The Holiday, but they also had the sense to award Knocked Up as Choice Movie: Comedy. Wait a minute, isn’t that rated-R? How are they seeing it? They also gave awards to decent movies like The Pursuit of Happyness, which most teens probably didn’t even see (come on, since when do teenagers care about homeless fathers?), but since it has Will Smith in it they voted for it.

I suppose I could launch into a massive diatribe about how lost America’s teens are, but the truth is that when we were their age our tastes probably weren’t any better, we just had fewer viewing options. Here’s the full list of movies, television programs, music, athletes, and a miscellaneous assortment of whatever else there is to hand meaningless trophies to awarded by America’s kids at this years Teen Choice Awards. Winners are in bold.

Choice Movie: Action Adventure

300

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End

Spider-Man 3

Transformers

Choice Movie: Drama

Step Up

Stomp the Yard

The Departed

The Guardian

The Pursuit of Happyness

Choice Movie: Chick Flick

Georgia Rule

License to Wed

Music and Lyrics

The Holiday

The Last Kiss

Choice Movie: Comedy

Blades of Glory

Evan Almighty

Knocked Up

Night at the Museum

Ocean's Thirteen

Choice Movie: Horror/Thriller

Disturbia

The Number 23

1408

Hostel: Part II

Saw III

Choice Movie Actor: Drama

Ashton Kutcher (The Guardian)

Leonardo DiCaprio (The Departed, Blood Diamond)

Channing Tatum (Step Up)

Adam Sandler (Reign Over Me)

Will Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness)

Choice Movie Actress: Drama

Angelina Jolie (A Mighty Heart)

Jennifer Hudson (Dreamgirls)

Lindsay Lohan (Bobby, Georgia Rule)

Meagan Good (Stomp the Yard)

Scarlett Johansson (The Black Dahlia, The Prestige)

Choice Movie Actor: Action Adventure

Shia LaBeouf (Transformers)

Chris Evans (Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer)

Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End)

Orlando Bloom (Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End)

Tobey Maguire (Spider-Man 3)

Choice Movie Actress: Action Adventure

Jessica Alba (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer)

Keira Knightley (Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End)

Kirsten Dunst (Spider-Man 3)

Lena Headey (300)

Megan Fox (Transformers)

Choice Movie Actor: Comedy

Ben Stiller (Night at the Museum)

Jon Heder (School for Scoundrels, Blades of Glory)

Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby)

Steve Carell (Evan Almighty)

Will Ferrell (Talladega Nights The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Blades of Glory)

Choice Movie Actress: Comedy

Emma Roberts (Nancy Drew)

Jessica Simpson (Employee of the Month)

Katherine Heigl (Knocked Up)

Sophia Bush (John Tucker Must Die)

Kate Hudson (You, Me and Dupree)

Choice Movie Actor: Horror/Thiller

Josh Duhamel (Turistas)

Jim Carrey (The Number 23)

Ryan Gosling (Fracture)

Jake Gyllenhaal (Zodiac)

Shia LaBeouf (Disturbia)

Choice Movie Actress: Horror/Thiller

Jordana Brewster (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning)

Amber Tamblyn (The Grudge 2)

Elisha Cuthbert (Captivity)

Jessica Biel (Next)

Sophia Bush (The Hitcher)

Choice Movie: Villain

Al Pacino (Willie Bank) - Ocean's Thirteen

Bill Nighy (Davy Jones) - Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End

Julian McMahon (Victor Von Doom) - Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Megatron - Transformers

Topher Grace (Venom) - Spider-Man 3

Choice Movie: Hissy Fit

Cameron Diaz (The Holiday)

Will Ferrell (Blades Of Glory)

Steve Carell (Evan Almighty)

Jessica Alba (Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer)

Ryan Seacrest (Knocked Up)

Choice Movie: Liplock

Keira Knightley & Orlando Bloom (Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest)

Kirsten Dunst & Tobey Maguire (Spider- Man 3)

Megan Fox & Shia LaBeouf (Transformers)

Drew Barrymore & Hugh Grant (Music and Lyrics)

Beyonce & Jamie Foxx (Dreamgirls)

Choice Movie: Breakout Female

Megan Fox (Transformers)

Sophia Bush (John Tucker Must Die, The Hitcher)

Jennifer Hudson (Dreamgirls)

Emma Roberts (Nancy Drew)

Rachel Bilson (The Last Kiss)

Choice Movie: Dance

Columbus Short (Stomp The Yard)

Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan (Step Up)

Ioan Gruffudd (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer)

Jon Heder and Will Ferrell (Blades of Glory)

Tobey Maguire (Spider-Man 3)

Choice Movie: Rumble

Spider-Man 3 - Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire) and New Goblin (James Franco) vs. Venom (Topher Grace) and Sandman (Thomas Haden Church)

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) vs. Crew of The Flying Dutchman

Transformers - Captain Lennox (Josh Duhamel) vs. Blackout

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) vs. Victor Von Doom (Julian McMahon)

300 - Spartans vs. The Immortals

Choice Movie: Breakout Male

Chris Brown (Stomp the Yard)

Justin Timberlake (Alpha Dog, Black Snake Moan)

Shia LaBeouf (Guide to Recognizing Your Saints, Disturbia, Transformers)

Justin Long (Accepted, The Break-Up, Live Free or Die Hard, Idiocracy)

Jaden Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness)

Choice Movie: Chemistry

Shia LaBeouf and Bumblebee (Transformers)

Ocean's Thirteen (Ocean's Thirteen)

Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd (Knocked Up)

Will Smith and Jaden Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness)

Will Ferrell and Jon Heder (Blades of Glory)

Choice Movie: Scream

Jonah Hill (Accepted)

Jordana Brewster (Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning)

Kate Beckinsale (Vacancy)

Arielle Kebbel (The Grudge 2)

Steve Carell (Evan Almighty)

Choice TV: Movie

High School Musical 2

Jump In!

Life Is Not A Fairy Tale: The Fantasia Barrino Story

The Initiation of Sarah

The Naked Brothers Band: The Movie

Choice TV Show: Drama

Grey's Anatomy

Heroes

House

Lost

Kyle XY

Choice TV Show: Comedy

Hannah Montana

Desperate Housewives

Entourage

The Office

Ugly Betty

Choice TV: Animated Show

Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Family Guy

Lil' Bush

South Park

The Simpsons

Choice TV: Reality/Variety Show

American Idol

America's Next Top Model

Dancing With the Stars

The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll

The Hills

Choice TV Actor: Drama

Hugh Laurie (House)

Jared Padalecki (Supernatural)

Matthew Fox (Lost)

Milo Ventimiglia (Heroes)

Wentworth Miller (Prison Break)

Choice TV Actress: Drama

Emily Deschanel (Bones)

Evangeline Lilly (Lost)

Hayden Panettiere (Heroes)

Jennifer Love Hewitt (Ghost Whisperer)

Katherine Heigl (Grey's Anatomy)

Choice TV Actor: Comedy

Adrian Grenier (Entourage)

Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men)

David Spade (Rules of Engagement)

Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother)

Steve Carell (The Office)

Choice TV Actress: Comedy

Emma Roberts (Unfabulous)

Miley Cyrus (Hannah Montana)

Tia D. Mowry (The Game)

America Ferrera (Ugly Betty)

Eva Longoria (Desperate Housewives)

Choice TV: Sidekick

Donald Faison (Scrubs)

Allison Mack (Smallville)

Jorge Garcia (Lost)

Kevin Dillon (Entourage)

Jerry Ferrara (Entourage)

Choice TV: Personality

Nick Cannon (Wild 'N Out)

Ryan Seacrest (American Idol, E!)

Simon Cowell (American Idol)

Tyra Banks (America's Next Top Model, The Tyra Banks Show)

Bruno Tonioli (Dancing with the Stars)

Choice TV: Breakout Show

Ugly Betty

Friday Night Lights

October Road

Heroes

South of Nowhere

Choice TV: Breakout

America Ferrera (Ugly Betty)

Matt Dallas (Kyle XY)

Taylor Kitsch (Friday Night Lights)

Hayden Panettiere (Heroes)

Masi Oka (Heroes)

Choice TV: Male Reality/Variety Star

Apolo Anton Ohno (Dancing with the Stars)

Flavor Flav (Flavor of Love)

Jojo, Diggy, Russy (Run's sons) (Run's House)

Sanjaya (American Idol)

Three 6 Mafia (Adventures in Hollyhood)

Choice TV: Female Reality/Variety Star

Jaslene Gonzalez (America's Next Top Model)

Jordin Sparks (American Idol)

Lauren Conrad (The Hills)

New York (I Love New York)

Paris Hilton (The Simple Life)

Choice TV: Villain

Michael Rosenbaum (Lex Luther) - Smallville

Vanessa Williams (Wilhelmina Slater) - Ugly Betty

Zachary Quinto (Sylar) - Heroes

Michael Emerson (Ben) - Lost

Robert Knepper (Bagwell) - Prison Break

Choice Music: Single

Cupid's Chokehold/Breakfast in America - Gym Class Heroes (Feat. Patrick Stump)

Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne

The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani (Feat. Akon)

Umbrella - Rihanna (Feat. Jay-Z)

Give It To Me - Timbaland (Feat. Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake)

Choice Music: Male Artist

Bow Wow

John Mayer

Justin Timberlake

Ne-Yo

Timbaland

Choice Music: Female Artist

Gwen Stefani

Fergie

Carrie Underwood

Nelly Furtado

Rihanna

Choice Music: Rap Artist

Ludacris

T.I.

Timbaland

Fabolous

Young Jeezy

Choice Music: R&B Artist

Chris Brown

Ne-Yo

Rihanna

Akon

Beyonce

Choice Music: Rock Group

All-American Rejects

Fall Out Boy

Linkin Park

Maroon 5

Red Hot Chili Peppers

Choice Music: Breakout Artist - Female

Amy Winehouse

Corinne Bailey Rae

Katharine McPhee

Lily Allen

Vanessa Hudgens

Choice Music: Breakout Artist - Male

Akon

Lloyd

Mika

MIMS

Robin Thicke

Choice Music: Breakout Group

Daughtry

Gym Class Heroes

Hinder

Shop Boyz

The Fray

Choice Music: Love Song

Don't Matter - Akon

First Time - Lifehouse

Lost Without You - Robin Thicke

Stolen - Dashboard Confessional

With Love - Hilary Duff

Choice Music: R&B Track

Because of You - Ne-Yo

Get it Shawty - Lloyd

Last Night - Diddy (Feat. Keyshia Cole)

Beautiful Girls - Sean Kingston

Wall to Wall - Chris Brown

Choice Music: Rap/Hip-Hop Track

This Is Why I'm Hot - MIMS

Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin') - T-Pain (Feat. Yung Joc)

The Way I Are - Timbaland (Feat. Keri Hilson and D.O.E.)

Party Like a Rockstar - Shop Boyz

Pop Lock and Drop It - Huey

Choice Music: Rock Track

Better Than Me - Hinder

It's Not Over - Daughtry

Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs - Fall Out Boy

What I've Done - Linkin Park

Choice Music: Payback Track

What Goes Around... - Justin Timberlake

Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood

Never Again - Kelly Clarkson

Irreplaceable - Beyonce

U + Ur Hand - Pink

Choice Male Hottie

Josh Duhamel

Orlando Bloom

T.I.

Zac Efron

Taylor Kitsch

Choice Female Hottie

Megan Fox

Hayden Panettiere

Jessica Alba

Jessica Biel

Rihanna

Choice Comedian

Dane Cook

David Spade

Jack Black

Katt Williams

Will Ferrell

Choice Male Athlete

Tiger Woods (Golf)

LeBron James (Basketball)

Dwyane Wade (Basketball)

Alex Rodriguez (Baseball)

Peyton Manning (Football)

Choice Female Athlete

Maria Sharapova (Tennis)

Serena Williams (Tennis)

Annika Sorenstam (Golf)

Rutgers Women's Basketball Team

Rags to Riches (Horse Racing)

Choice Action Sports Female

Gretchen Bleiler (Snowboarder)

Kristi Leskinen (Free Skiing)

Hannah Teter (Skateboarding)

Lisa Andersen (Surfing)

Dallas Friday (Wakeboarding)

Choice Action Sports Male

Ryan Sheckler (Skateboarding)

Shaun White (Snowboarder, Skateboarder, Surfer)

Andy Irons (Surfing)

Kelly Slater (Surfing)

Ryan Nyquist (BMX)

Choice Summer Movie - Drama/Action Adventure

Fantastic 4: Rise of The Silver Surfer

Live Free or Die Hard

Transformers

Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix

The Bourne Ultimatum

Choice Summer Movie - Comedy/Musical

Rush Hour 3

Superbad

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

The Simpsons Movie

Hairspray

Choice Summer Song

Party Like A Rock Star - Shop Boyz

Shut Up and Drive - Rihanna

Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's

Lip Gloss - Lil Mama

Beautiful Girls- Sean Kingston

Choice Summer Artist

Fergie

Avril Lavigne

Maroon 5

Miley Cyrus

Rihanna

Choice Summer TV Show

Degrassi

America's Got Talent

So You Think You Can Dance

The Singing Bee

Don't Forget The Lyrics

Choice V Cast Video

Mindfreak

Mind of Mencia

Prom Queen

The Hills

Ford Models

Josh Tyler