To absolutely no one’s surprise, Pirates of the Caribbean dominated this past Sunday at the Teen Choice Awards. The movie won for Choice Movie: Action Adventure (whatever that means) and its stars Johnny Depp, Keira Knightley, and Bill Nighy also took home whatever it is they give out as an honor. Maybe they all get gold-plated MySpace pages?

The night’s other big winner was the awful High School Musical 2, which I tried to watch part of yesterday only to wake up ten minutes later in my bathroom with a bottle of pills and a hangman’s noose in my hands. I guess that means I hated it.

It’s not all bad in the world of teens though. They aren’t a complete waste of space. Sure, they gave an award to that super-crappy Cameron Diaz movie The Holiday, but they also had the sense to award Knocked Up as Choice Movie: Comedy. Wait a minute, isn’t that rated-R? How are they seeing it? They also gave awards to decent movies like The Pursuit of Happyness, which most teens probably didn’t even see (come on, since when do teenagers care about homeless fathers?), but since it has Will Smith in it they voted for it.

I suppose I could launch into a massive diatribe about how lost America’s teens are, but the truth is that when we were their age our tastes probably weren’t any better, we just had fewer viewing options. Here’s the full list of movies, television programs, music, athletes, and a miscellaneous assortment of whatever else there is to hand meaningless trophies to awarded by America’s kids at this years Teen Choice Awards. Winners are in bold.



Choice Movie: Action Adventure
300
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End
Spider-Man 3
Transformers

Choice Movie: Drama
Step Up
Stomp the Yard
The Departed
The Guardian
The Pursuit of Happyness

Choice Movie: Chick Flick
Georgia Rule
License to Wed
Music and Lyrics
The Holiday
The Last Kiss

Choice Movie: Comedy
Blades of Glory
Evan Almighty
Knocked Up
Night at the Museum
Ocean's Thirteen

Choice Movie: Horror/Thriller
Disturbia
The Number 23
1408
Hostel: Part II
Saw III

Choice Movie Actor: Drama
Ashton Kutcher (The Guardian)
Leonardo DiCaprio (The Departed, Blood Diamond)
Channing Tatum (Step Up)
Adam Sandler (Reign Over Me)
Will Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness)

Choice Movie Actress: Drama
Angelina Jolie (A Mighty Heart)
Jennifer Hudson (Dreamgirls)
Lindsay Lohan (Bobby, Georgia Rule)
Meagan Good (Stomp the Yard)
Scarlett Johansson (The Black Dahlia, The Prestige)

Choice Movie Actor: Action Adventure
Shia LaBeouf (Transformers)
Chris Evans (Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer)
Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End)
Orlando Bloom (Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End)
Tobey Maguire (Spider-Man 3)

Choice Movie Actress: Action Adventure
Jessica Alba (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer)
Keira Knightley (Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End)
Kirsten Dunst (Spider-Man 3)
Lena Headey (300)
Megan Fox (Transformers)

Choice Movie Actor: Comedy
Ben Stiller (Night at the Museum)
Jon Heder (School for Scoundrels, Blades of Glory)
Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby)
Steve Carell (Evan Almighty)
Will Ferrell (Talladega Nights The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Blades of Glory)

Choice Movie Actress: Comedy
Emma Roberts (Nancy Drew)
Jessica Simpson (Employee of the Month)
Katherine Heigl (Knocked Up)
Sophia Bush (John Tucker Must Die)
Kate Hudson (You, Me and Dupree)

Choice Movie Actor: Horror/Thiller
Josh Duhamel (Turistas)
Jim Carrey (The Number 23)
Ryan Gosling (Fracture)
Jake Gyllenhaal (Zodiac)
Shia LaBeouf (Disturbia)

Choice Movie Actress: Horror/Thiller
Jordana Brewster (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning)
Amber Tamblyn (The Grudge 2)
Elisha Cuthbert (Captivity)
Jessica Biel (Next)
Sophia Bush (The Hitcher)

Choice Movie: Villain
Al Pacino (Willie Bank) - Ocean's Thirteen
Bill Nighy (Davy Jones) - Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End
Julian McMahon (Victor Von Doom) - Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Megatron - Transformers
Topher Grace (Venom) - Spider-Man 3

Choice Movie: Hissy Fit
Cameron Diaz (The Holiday)
Will Ferrell (Blades Of Glory)
Steve Carell (Evan Almighty)
Jessica Alba (Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer)
Ryan Seacrest (Knocked Up)

Choice Movie: Liplock
Keira Knightley & Orlando Bloom (Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest)
Kirsten Dunst & Tobey Maguire (Spider- Man 3)
Megan Fox & Shia LaBeouf (Transformers)
Drew Barrymore & Hugh Grant (Music and Lyrics)
Beyonce & Jamie Foxx (Dreamgirls)

Choice Movie: Breakout Female
Megan Fox (Transformers)
Sophia Bush (John Tucker Must Die, The Hitcher)
Jennifer Hudson (Dreamgirls)
Emma Roberts (Nancy Drew)
Rachel Bilson (The Last Kiss)

Choice Movie: Dance
Columbus Short (Stomp The Yard)
Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan (Step Up)
Ioan Gruffudd (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer)
Jon Heder and Will Ferrell (Blades of Glory)
Tobey Maguire (Spider-Man 3)

Choice Movie: Rumble
Spider-Man 3 - Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire) and New Goblin (James Franco) vs. Venom (Topher Grace) and Sandman (Thomas Haden Church)
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) vs. Crew of The Flying Dutchman
Transformers - Captain Lennox (Josh Duhamel) vs. Blackout
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) vs. Victor Von Doom (Julian McMahon)
300 - Spartans vs. The Immortals

Choice Movie: Breakout Male
Chris Brown (Stomp the Yard)
Justin Timberlake (Alpha Dog, Black Snake Moan)
Shia LaBeouf (Guide to Recognizing Your Saints, Disturbia, Transformers)
Justin Long (Accepted, The Break-Up, Live Free or Die Hard, Idiocracy)
Jaden Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness)

Choice Movie: Chemistry

Shia LaBeouf and Bumblebee (Transformers)
Ocean's Thirteen (Ocean's Thirteen)
Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd (Knocked Up)
Will Smith and Jaden Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness)
Will Ferrell and Jon Heder (Blades of Glory)

Choice Movie: Scream
Jonah Hill (Accepted)
Jordana Brewster (Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning)
Kate Beckinsale (Vacancy)
Arielle Kebbel (The Grudge 2)
Steve Carell (Evan Almighty)

Choice TV: Movie
High School Musical 2
Jump In!
Life Is Not A Fairy Tale: The Fantasia Barrino Story
The Initiation of Sarah
The Naked Brothers Band: The Movie

Choice TV Show: Drama
Grey's Anatomy
Heroes
House
Lost
Kyle XY

Choice TV Show: Comedy
Hannah Montana
Desperate Housewives
Entourage
The Office
Ugly Betty

Choice TV: Animated Show
Aqua Teen Hunger Force
Family Guy
Lil' Bush
South Park
The Simpsons

Choice TV: Reality/Variety Show
American Idol
America's Next Top Model
Dancing With the Stars
The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll
The Hills

Choice TV Actor: Drama
Hugh Laurie (House)
Jared Padalecki (Supernatural)
Matthew Fox (Lost)
Milo Ventimiglia (Heroes)
Wentworth Miller (Prison Break)

Choice TV Actress: Drama
Emily Deschanel (Bones)
Evangeline Lilly (Lost)
Hayden Panettiere (Heroes)
Jennifer Love Hewitt (Ghost Whisperer)
Katherine Heigl (Grey's Anatomy)

Choice TV Actor: Comedy
Adrian Grenier (Entourage)
Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men)
David Spade (Rules of Engagement)
Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother)
Steve Carell (The Office)

Choice TV Actress: Comedy
Emma Roberts (Unfabulous)
Miley Cyrus (Hannah Montana)
Tia D. Mowry (The Game)
America Ferrera (Ugly Betty)
Eva Longoria (Desperate Housewives)

Choice TV: Sidekick
Donald Faison (Scrubs)
Allison Mack (Smallville)
Jorge Garcia (Lost)
Kevin Dillon (Entourage)
Jerry Ferrara (Entourage)

Choice TV: Personality
Nick Cannon (Wild 'N Out)
Ryan Seacrest (American Idol, E!)
Simon Cowell (American Idol)
Tyra Banks (America's Next Top Model, The Tyra Banks Show)
Bruno Tonioli (Dancing with the Stars)

Choice TV: Breakout Show
Ugly Betty
Friday Night Lights
October Road
Heroes
South of Nowhere

Choice TV: Breakout
America Ferrera (Ugly Betty)
Matt Dallas (Kyle XY)
Taylor Kitsch (Friday Night Lights)
Hayden Panettiere (Heroes)
Masi Oka (Heroes)

Choice TV: Male Reality/Variety Star
Apolo Anton Ohno (Dancing with the Stars)
Flavor Flav (Flavor of Love)
Jojo, Diggy, Russy (Run's sons) (Run's House)
Sanjaya (American Idol)
Three 6 Mafia (Adventures in Hollyhood)

Choice TV: Female Reality/Variety Star
Jaslene Gonzalez (America's Next Top Model)
Jordin Sparks (American Idol)
Lauren Conrad (The Hills)
New York (I Love New York)
Paris Hilton (The Simple Life)

Choice TV: Villain
Michael Rosenbaum (Lex Luther) - Smallville
Vanessa Williams (Wilhelmina Slater) - Ugly Betty
Zachary Quinto (Sylar) - Heroes
Michael Emerson (Ben) - Lost
Robert Knepper (Bagwell) - Prison Break

Choice Music: Single
Cupid's Chokehold/Breakfast in America - Gym Class Heroes (Feat. Patrick Stump)
Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani (Feat. Akon)
Umbrella - Rihanna (Feat. Jay-Z)
Give It To Me - Timbaland (Feat. Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake)

Choice Music: Male Artist
Bow Wow
John Mayer
Justin Timberlake
Ne-Yo
Timbaland

Choice Music: Female Artist
Gwen Stefani
Fergie
Carrie Underwood
Nelly Furtado
Rihanna

Choice Music: Rap Artist
Ludacris
T.I.
Timbaland
Fabolous
Young Jeezy

Choice Music: R&B Artist
Chris Brown
Ne-Yo
Rihanna
Akon
Beyonce

Choice Music: Rock Group
All-American Rejects
Fall Out Boy
Linkin Park
Maroon 5
Red Hot Chili Peppers

Choice Music: Breakout Artist - Female
Amy Winehouse
Corinne Bailey Rae
Katharine McPhee
Lily Allen
Vanessa Hudgens

Choice Music: Breakout Artist - Male
Akon
Lloyd
Mika
MIMS
Robin Thicke

Choice Music: Breakout Group
Daughtry
Gym Class Heroes
Hinder
Shop Boyz
The Fray

Choice Music: Love Song
Don't Matter - Akon
First Time - Lifehouse
Lost Without You - Robin Thicke
Stolen - Dashboard Confessional
With Love - Hilary Duff

Choice Music: R&B Track
Because of You - Ne-Yo
Get it Shawty - Lloyd
Last Night - Diddy (Feat. Keyshia Cole)
Beautiful Girls - Sean Kingston
Wall to Wall - Chris Brown

Choice Music: Rap/Hip-Hop Track
This Is Why I'm Hot - MIMS
Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin') - T-Pain (Feat. Yung Joc)
The Way I Are - Timbaland (Feat. Keri Hilson and D.O.E.)
Party Like a Rockstar - Shop Boyz
Pop Lock and Drop It - Huey

Choice Music: Rock Track
Better Than Me - Hinder
It's Not Over - Daughtry
Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5
Thnks Fr Th Mmrs - Fall Out Boy
What I've Done - Linkin Park

Choice Music: Payback Track
What Goes Around... - Justin Timberlake
Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood
Never Again - Kelly Clarkson
Irreplaceable - Beyonce
U + Ur Hand - Pink

Choice Male Hottie
Josh Duhamel
Orlando Bloom
T.I.
Zac Efron
Taylor Kitsch

Choice Female Hottie
Megan Fox
Hayden Panettiere
Jessica Alba
Jessica Biel
Rihanna

Choice Comedian
Dane Cook
David Spade
Jack Black
Katt Williams
Will Ferrell

Choice Male Athlete
Tiger Woods (Golf)
LeBron James (Basketball)
Dwyane Wade (Basketball)
Alex Rodriguez (Baseball)
Peyton Manning (Football)

Choice Female Athlete
Maria Sharapova (Tennis)
Serena Williams (Tennis)
Annika Sorenstam (Golf)
Rutgers Women's Basketball Team
Rags to Riches (Horse Racing)

Choice Action Sports Female
Gretchen Bleiler (Snowboarder)
Kristi Leskinen (Free Skiing)
Hannah Teter (Skateboarding)
Lisa Andersen (Surfing)
Dallas Friday (Wakeboarding)

Choice Action Sports Male
Ryan Sheckler (Skateboarding)
Shaun White (Snowboarder, Skateboarder, Surfer)
Andy Irons (Surfing)
Kelly Slater (Surfing)
Ryan Nyquist (BMX)

Choice Summer Movie - Drama/Action Adventure
Fantastic 4: Rise of The Silver Surfer
Live Free or Die Hard
Transformers
Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix
The Bourne Ultimatum

Choice Summer Movie - Comedy/Musical
Rush Hour 3
Superbad
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
The Simpsons Movie
Hairspray

Choice Summer Song
Party Like A Rock Star - Shop Boyz
Shut Up and Drive - Rihanna
Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's
Lip Gloss - Lil Mama
Beautiful Girls- Sean Kingston

Choice Summer Artist
Fergie
Avril Lavigne
Maroon 5
Miley Cyrus
Rihanna

Choice Summer TV Show
Degrassi
America's Got Talent
So You Think You Can Dance
The Singing Bee
Don't Forget The Lyrics

Choice V Cast Video
Mindfreak
Mind of Mencia
Prom Queen
The Hills
Ford Models