Movie Review

  • College review
College is painfully stale, pathetically unfunny, and I can't think of a single reason why you should sit through this piece of shit other than to maybe snicker at how awkward American Idol's Kevin Covais looks trying to make an o-face. For ninety-four minutes, this regrettable abortion dodges and weaves through every tired cliché and moronic sixteen year old male fantasy ever conceived and almost amusingly never once even hints at an original thought. The cinematography is music video-ish, the acting is phoned in at best, and the script is perfect for anyone still laughing at the Budweiser Frogs. I have never been so offended by the belligerent mediocrity of a motion picture in my entire life.

Kevin (Drake Bell) is an over-achieving high school senior who was recently dumped by his girlfriend who thinks he's no fun. His best friend Carter (Andrew Caldwell), played like the unfunny ass baby Jack Black and Chris Farley never had, thinks Kevin needs to lighten up a little bit; so, they organize a field trip to a local college. Along the way, they pick up a nerd (Kevin Covais) to complete their Superbad-like trio, and shockingly, some chicanery ensues.

They're scheduled to stay at the dorm room of a chronic masturbater, but, well, he masturbates too much and there wouldn't really be a movie if they stayed there---so, they hit up a local frat house where Carter's cousin Queef was once a brother. Conveniently, the Fraternity is on probation and prohibited from having any pledges. Frat Brothers Teague and Bearcat concoct a nefarious plan to take the three high schoolers in. After that, some shenanigans go down, and everyone has a wacky time filled with boobs, glow-in-the-dark boners, and some more boobs.

This movie literally fails on every level. It's not funny. It's not accidentally funny. It's not even so unfunny that it's funny. With the exception of Gary Owen who is slightly above average as Bearcat, I hope no one involved in this film ever works again. That's how soul-crushingly miserable it is. But I haven't even gotten to the worst part. It's one thing for a film to be recycled and cliché-ridden, but this stem cell blatantly steals from other movies.

1) The nerd wakes up with "balls" written on his face. (Garden State)
2) The college, Fieldmont University, has obscene initials. (Accepted)
3) Carter hides underneath a bed while people have sex on top. (Mr. Woodcock)
4) One of the Frat Brothers carries around a blow-up doll. (Old School)
5) A character repeats everything being said. (The Sandlot)
6) People are rounded up using a shady-looking van. (Old School)
7) Someone's ass gets stuck to a toilet seat. (Soul Plane)
8) The head Frat Brother's girlfriend secretly likes the nerd. (Revenge Of The Nerds)
9) Kevin really likes mini-golf. (American Pie)

I cannot think of one positive thing to say about this entire movie. Literally, every single character is annoying, perverse, and in need of a serious ass whooping. There is not one scene that even vaguely resembles what college is really like. All of the males are sex-obsessed creepers and all of the females are humorless whores. If College was a student project for remedial tenth grade creative writing, I'd still fail everyone involved.
2 / 10 stars
Rating: movie reviewed rating

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