Jersey Shore Season 5 Watch: Happy VD

Previously:Vinny went. And came back. Snooki peed. There were lesbians. I think that's about as specific as I can get, if I ever want to be able to enter a church again.

This week: JWOWW and Roger fight and then make up and then talk about how badly their asses are bleeding. I don't understand. Love: you're doing it wrong. The meatballs make a cake for Danny as an apology for showing up to work as crazy drunkasaurs...and then forget to bake it. They're like a modern day Lucy and Ethel, only missing a chromosome or six.

Seriously, though...you can crunk your way through a shift and then it's all better with baked goods? I am in the wrong line of work, kids. This is not a message I want to be sending. Oh, but then the next morning, someone eats a chunk of the cake. MYSTERY! Deena Sherlock-Holmes her way on over to Mike, but there's no evidence on film. I sort of hope a producer just cut a chunk out or something, because at this point, I want this to be a social experiment where MTV just screws with a couple of leathery drunks.

Oh, two episodes after it started: Snooki decides to get her UTI treated. Uh, if you let a UTI steep for a week or two, doesn't it hatch into something out of a Ridley Scott movie? Because that's a plot twist I'd like to see. JWOWW helps her fill out the medical forms, which apparently include everything on the list except "rectal bleeding." They say those two words a lot. If it were a drinking game, and that phrase were the drink-phrase, I'd be trashed right now. "Rectal bleeding." I'm so sorry, people. I'm so, so sorry.

Back at the store, Sitch is all "my roomies are late jerks, waa waa waa" and everyone talks about Snooki's UTI. Then there's forty-six minutes of argument about the cake. Mike is the culprit...but SURPRISE! It's Pauly! OOOOOOOH PLOT TWIST! Deena is all "shrug." He's cute, so it's ok. These jerks are ridiculous. I hate everyone. There's some club footage. Snooki: "I look like a Jersey Skank and I love it." Honey, you have a UTI. That is medical evidence that you are what you say you are. I just...no. No words.

It's Paula the Sitch-witch's birthday, so everyone drinks and Snooki's on antibiotics and her UTI gets drunk. Her words, not mine, and somewhere, the surgeon general is taking off his glasses and rubbing the bridge of his nose and crying. Oh, there's also a good deal of conversation about Paula's "birthday camel toe." Mike doesn't care, and the two of them doink. What...the what. The boys GTL a little, and it's boring. They have lunch at the Muscle Maker Grill and hold hands and swap fluids and it's maybe the nineteenth least heteronormative thing this show has given us this week. Vinny loses his keys, and we spend twelve minutes on that. This...I am watching this. Oh no.

Side note: Sammi and Ron are totally stable this episode. I guess someone's putting some Xanax in his Creatine powder, or just straight-up throwing some Zoloft into Sammi's 3,219 layers of makeup. Whatever. When they go from "Ross and Rachel" to "Marshall and Lily," it shows that a fundamental law of the universe is out of whack. Oh, and then Mike comes on to Snooki. Yeah, we've been up that chute before, haven't we? Not happening. More club time. Deena meets some dude she's stuck it to, and in her talking-heads keeps making this face that makes her look like John Goodman is sucking on a huge lemon. Pauly decides to "prank" Deena by putting dirty plates on her bed. This counts as a prank? Because, no offense, but in college, we called that "college."

Snooki apparently has a crazy loopy antibiotic drunk effect and gets doopy and incredibly honest and JWOWW straddles her head. All of that happened. She then throws a condom at Deena's man-friend and makes muppet-sex noises and giggles. Mike calls the Unit, and there's some drama there, and I can't follow it. Then, JWOWW wears an outfit that's pretty much just two small parachutes and twelve feet of monster-truck-grade chain, which is apparently all for Roger. I guess he likes his women to be dressed up like snow tires. Either way, someone's going off-roading. Use your imagination. Then, they go to the club and some random girl rips out another girl's weave and there's a fight and someone calls an ambulance. Deena is all "that was awesome!"

And then the episode ends. I feel dirty. See you next week.