I Finally Watched The Goonies All The Way Through, And Well... Let's Talk

One phrase I really can't stand is, "You just had to be there." The reason I feel this way is because my FOMO kicks into overdrive. Like, I WANTED to be there, but I had to get my passport renewed. Stop gloating!  

Well, two of those eternal "You just had to be there" movies for me were always Hook, which I actually watched quite recently, and The Goonies.    

And, while I ended up really enjoying Hook, when it comes to The Goonies, well…I think we need to talk.  

My Favorite Part Of The Film Was Actually Before All Of The Adventuring Stuff 

I am a 39-year-old man who grew up with movies like the Kurt Russell classic, Big Trouble in Little China, and the utterly ridiculous Howard the Duck. Well, anyway, while other '90s kids watched a whole bunch of movies when they were younger, I would literally watch the same movies over and over again, so I must have seen Big Trouble over 40 times, and that's no exaggeration.      

Now, I had seen bits and pieces of The Goonies when I was younger, since it was always on TV, but I would always catch it at different times, so I'd never seen it in its entirety. Until a week ago, that is. 

One thing that I always remember thinking about the film when I was younger was all of the adventure and wonder. It seemed pretty cool, and I wished I caught it from the beginning. 

However, now that I've seen the whole movie, I realize I probably would have detested the beginning as a kid, and just wished it got to all the One Eyed Willie stuff sooner. That said, as an adult, I actually really like all of the build up. 

We're first introduced to the bad guys, with the mother being the most fascinating of the bunch. Then we see a who's who of then-popular child stars, with Sean Astin being the lead, and Corey Feldman, Jeff Cohen, Josh Brolin, Kerri Green, Martha Plimpton, and Ke Huy Quan being in the supporting cast. 

What surprised me is that these kids actually act like kids! They curse, they call each other names, and they even make penis jokes. It was an eye-opener, since this is supposed to be a KIDS' movie, and they're talking about how the penis on the statue of David is their mother's favorite part. I guess kids' films were different back in 1985. 

I'm Glad I Liked The First Act Because The Actual Adventure Portion Doesn't Start Until Like A Full Hour In  

The Goonies is one of those kids battling grownups movies, and honestly, this is where the boredom started to set in for me, because I don't really care for stories like that anymore. Yes, I loved them when I was a kid myself (Go, kids! Yeah!), but today, I kind of detest those kinds of movies, like Home Alone 1 and 2. 

At my advanced age, I find most of the kids in these movies annoying rather than empowering, and even though I liked it when they were all hanging out together as friends, I got pretty annoyed when they started outsmarting the adults.   

And yes, I know, this is completely a me thing, but I found a lot of the hijinks boring. I liked the relationship between Chunk and Sloth, since they seemed like two outcasts banding together, but, the rest of the adventure stuff with the booby traps and walking the plank just felt pretty bland to me. Who knew that all of the adventuring I once would have loved to have seen as a child turned out to be the aspect that I disliked the most as an adult?  

I Found The Film Way More Enjoyable On Low Volume With Subtitles  

I often watch movies with subtitles. You see, the only time I really get to watch movies anymore is after my children go to bed, so I tend to view films with the volume way low, and mostly just read my movies. This is great for certain flicks like Tenet, where the sound quality was really bad,  and I had to read what the characters were saying since I couldn’t make out what they were talking about.

But, I kind of hate when I watch a movie with really great music and I have to play the volume way low. I completely understand how sound is a huge component of films (even silent movies), but I’ve just gotten so used to watching movies with the sound super low that it doesn't even bother me anymore.   

Well, I watched the first half an hour or so of The Goonies with the volume lowered, and, as I mentioned earlier, I greatly enjoyed the beginning of the movie before the adventuring. But, after I checked on my kids and made sure they were fast asleep, I turned up the volume more, and do you know what I heard? A whole lot of yelling from prepubescent kids! 

I cringed as soon as I heard it, and quickly turned it back down again. I could still hear all the music and inflections, but I just couldn’t take all of that screeching. Super annoying. 

I Could Have Sworn There Was An Octopus In This Thing  

I mentioned earlier how I’d seen bits and pieces of The Goonies when I was a child, and one thing that I definitely remembered from the movie was a scene involving a giant octopus grabbing one of the characters, and then she gets upset because she thinks it’s one of the boys. 

In fact, when I thought back to the movie, the four things that I always connected with it as a child was the mother Fratelli character, Sloth, Ke Huy Quan as Data (who I sometimes confused with Short Round from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom), and a giant octopus.  

So, when I watched the movie recently, I nodded when I saw Mama Fratelli, Sloth, and Data, but was left scratching my head when there was no octopus (especially since Data even MENTIONS an octopus!). I was left really confused, and I consulted the internet, only to find that this very website explained the octopus scene, and that it was deleted. 

I was like phew, because I thought I was losing my mind. When I watched the film in its entirety, I really do think they should have kept it in. Seeing the movie without it just didn’t seem right, and stole even more of the little magic that this movie seemed to have.    

Overall, I Understand Why People Cherish This Film, But I Guess I Watched It At The Wrong Time In My Life 

I want to circle back to the comment I made in the introduction, because I genuinely think “you just had to be there” as a child when you saw The Goonies, or it completely loses its appeal. The film, overall, was…fine, I guess. But, just fine. 

Unlike Hook, which I think would have touched me as a kid, but also touched me in a different way as an adult, I feel like The Goonies doesn’t really have that going for it. 

It’s a movie about kids, for kids, and that’s just fine. A lot of movies I loved as a child (like Jumanji) I find pretty lackluster today. That’s because the movies are not for me. I am not their target audience, and I really had to watch it as a child to fully appreciate it, I suppose, because I don’t today as an adult. 

I think this movie is extremely mid, and I guess I just have to be okay with that. I really had to be there, I suppose.

But, what do you think? Did you watch The Goonies as a child? For more news on other classic movies, make sure to swing around here often!