It took almost 200 films and 27 years, but on Friday Danny Trejo will hit theaters in his first leading role: Machete. Though the actor has always been known as a total badass, never has it been more evident than in his role as an ex-federale trying to take down a corrupt senator and get revenge for the death of his family. Even at 66-years-old, Trejo is able to execute bloody carnage better than action stars half his age. It's taken too long. Trejo should have been an action hero long before this, and what better way to prove that than by taking Machete out of his own universe and placing him in some of the greatest action films of all time instead.
Here's what the world would have been like, had Danny Trejo received his due a long time ago. I've remade five classic, iconic action movies in Machete's image. In a world… where Machete replaces characters like Roger Murtaugh, Snake Plissken, John McClane, Sarah Connor and Neo… Machete wouldn't do things their way. Here's what happens when you mess with the wrong Mexican… in other movies.
Both understanding Machete's pain over losing his wife and realizing that the Mexican federale is far crazier than himself, Riggs makes a decision to sober up and help Machete in any way that he can. Machete says, “Fuck you, puto” and exits the coffee shop with Riggs still pinned to the wall. Viewing these events from across the street, Mr. Joshua says, “Fuck it,” packs up and decides to leave the country to ensure his own safety.
Incredibly pissed off, Machete grumbles and takes one of his many knives off of his vest. As Hauk and the doctor watch in horror, Machete digs the explosives out of his neck and throws it down at Hauk's feet. ”I make my own time, chingado.” Machete, bleeding from his neck, goes to the glider and rescues the president. Before leaving the island, however, Machete stabs The Duke in the gut, bangs all of the female Gypsies, and gets all of the prisoners to begin acting right and organize a society – all within the 24 hours originally allotted to him.
In a state of utter shock, watching his plan go to hell after only 30 seconds, Hans stands in the doorway, limp-wristed as Machete walks over to him. Machete takes the gun from Hans' hand, takes out the bullets, and gives it back to him, saying, “No bullets, concha?” Machete then headbutts him, knocking him unconscious, and throws him through a plate glass window. Having no idea what to do without their leader, the rest of the gang drops their weapons and walk out the door with their hands in the air. The Machete version of Die Hard has a seven minute run time.
Word travels back to Machete about this and he assembles an underground network of illegal immigrants fighting for their rights in America. Riding around in an army of low-riders and motorcycles, armed to the teeth, the group finds the Terminator and the battle begins. While the Terminator is able to hold is own against the motorcycles and bullets, he meets his end when he is crushed to death under Machete's hydraulically-lifted car.
Machete wanders into an old apartment building and the Agents think they have him trapped. They fire round after round at him, but the bullets cannot penetrate his sun-baked skin. Machete retaliates by decapitating all three Agents. Agent Smith laughs, thinking that he can just move into another body. What he doesn't understand is that when Machete kills something, it stays dead. Humanity is freed, Zion is saved and America doesn't have to sit through the sequels. It's a happy ending for everybody.