A couple of months ago I came to you with five movies that brought out the true spirit of Christmas. Half a year later it’s time to examine the overrated-ness that is Summer: a mess of sweat, fake tans, potbellies and excessive heat. Here’s the true story of summer:
Bringing me to Sunshine. It’s the future and the sun is finally dying out. A select group of scientists and astronauts are out to set the sun on fire again in order to save humanity. Reignite the sun? Are these people insane? Sure I get the whole photosynthesis, oxygen-needed-to-live mumbo jumbo. But if we’re smart enough to build a rocket ship to actually get to the sun, I’m confident we could find some other solution to saving mankind. I guarantee no character from this movie ever got in their car on a 97 degree day and mistakenly rested a forearm on the black part of the driver’s side window. That’s third degree burn territory. Plus the seat’s always scorching. Reignite the sun? On purpose? No thanks. I sweat enough already.
And what better representation of annoying, screaming, rudderless, little urchins than The Sandlot? Half of the dialogue in this flick is varying versions of a prepubescent “AAAAHHHHHH!!!” These little shits just run around anywhere they want screaming and getting their grubby sweaty kiddy paws all over everything. It’s the worst. You might think The Sandlot embodies what it means to be carefree and young again, operating in a world devoid of responsibility? Wrong. It’s just a long infomercial for mandatory summer school.
Just consider Syriana. George Clooney got his freaking fingernails ripped off defending our God given rights as American citizens to hop in our 14 miles per gallon roadsters and sit in traffic for hours on end. Or at least I think that’s what he was doing. I’m not really sure. This movie was really long and boring and difficult to follow. Plus I watched it during the summer when my brain goes on a mini hiatus. It’s just too god damn hot to think.
Now not any zombie apocalypse movie would work here. For instance in 28 Days Later the afflicted are much too fast and motivated. Zombieland on the other hand is perfect. The zombies are slow, dim-witted, and horrible looking, but just humanly American enough to make it not too much of a stretch for our purposes. And which of us good looking people, present company included, wouldn’t want to channel a little inner Columbus or Tallahassee and systematically lay waste to the grotesque section of our society? Hell they even do damage at a Great Adventure-like theme park! Those places are breeding grounds for summer ugly.
Love the ocean so much? You’re like my wife and just Davy Jones-ing for that salt water? Well Kevin Costner and company are here to show in vivid, post-apocalyptic detail what the ocean is really all about. Smoker planes flying over every two seconds with a never ending onslaught of filth. Douchebag jet skiers trying to kill everyone in sight. Bros like Costner taking themselves too seriously. Psychotic mad men just trying to get their hand on some primo beach like its life or death. Only man made shade. And water? Better bring your own. Actually, Waterworld is spot freaking on. It’s an encapsulation of every single one of my trips to the Jersey Shore. Coincidentally I’ll be down in LBI for Labor Day. Can’t wait. See you there and enjoy your summer!
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