A couple of months ago I came to you with five movies that brought out the true spirit of Christmas. Half a year later it’s time to examine the overrated-ness that is Summer: a mess of sweat, fake tans, potbellies and excessive heat. Here’s the true story of summer:
Is there anything worse than the sun? It’s hot. It’s bright. It shows up every freaking day whether you want it to or not. You can’t touch it. Everyone mistakenly associates it with something completely and unwaveringly positive. If my mom sings me to sleep one more time with “You Are My Sunshine” I think I’ll puke.
Bringing me to Sunshine. It’s the future and the sun is finally dying out. A select group of scientists and astronauts are out to set the sun on fire again in order to save humanity. Reignite the sun? Are these people insane? Sure I get the whole photosynthesis, oxygen-needed-to-live mumbo jumbo. But if we’re smart enough to build a rocket ship to actually get to the sun, I’m confident we could find some other solution to saving mankind. I guarantee no character from this movie ever got in their car on a 97 degree day and mistakenly rested a forearm on the black part of the driver’s side window. That’s third degree burn territory. Plus the seat’s always scorching. Reignite the sun? On purpose? No thanks. I sweat enough already.
Hordes of Kids Running Amok
I like to drive real fast in my neighborhood. Sure its a quiet residential ‘burb with a certain code of neighborly ethics. But I have a Dodge Charger SRT8 and I want to open ‘er up once in awhile. Unfortunately, in the summer everyone gets cranky because kids are out and about in the streets. Without school to keep them busy (or at least indoors and away from me) they’re always popping up out of nowhere. And God freaking forbid I were to smack into one and screw up my custom grill.
And what better representation of annoying, screaming, rudderless, little urchins than The Sandlot? Half of the dialogue in this flick is varying versions of a prepubescent “AAAAHHHHHH!!!” These little shits just run around anywhere they want screaming and getting their grubby sweaty kiddy paws all over everything. It’s the worst. You might think The Sandlot embodies what it means to be carefree and young again, operating in a world devoid of responsibility? Wrong. It’s just a long infomercial for mandatory summer school.
Exorbitant Gas Prices
It’s no secret the Hess station around the corner from my crib likes to jack its prices sky high right after Memorial Day. They’re just following the oil industry standard, openly raping us during the summer months because if we don’t pump the AC and head down the Shore every single weekend in July and August the world will just stop spinning on its axis or something. Summer is the time to travel and “get away”. The fellows over at OPEC know it.
Just consider Syriana. George Clooney got his freaking fingernails ripped off defending our God given rights as American citizens to hop in our 14 miles per gallon roadsters and sit in traffic for hours on end. Or at least I think that’s what he was doing. I’m not really sure. This movie was really long and boring and difficult to follow. Plus I watched it during the summer when my brain goes on a mini hiatus. It’s just too god damn hot to think.
”Unfortunate” Looking People Out in Droves
The summer brings out the ugly in people. Actually, let me rephrase: The summer brings out the ugly people. Gone are the winter months when the hideous masses (i.e. the American public) hunker down indoors in front of the warm, glowing hearth of their big screen plasma televisions. Once June hits, the ugly is on full display as these people begin wandering outside, zombie-style, into the fresh air. Think I’m over-exaggerating? Saunter on down to your nearest theme park, county fair, public beach, or anything that attracts the “local flavor”. You’ll see what I mean.
Now not any zombie apocalypse movie would work here. For instance in 28 Days Later the afflicted are much too fast and motivated. Zombieland on the other hand is perfect. The zombies are slow, dim-witted, and horrible looking, but just humanly American enough to make it not too much of a stretch for our purposes. And which of us good looking people, present company included, wouldn’t want to channel a little inner Columbus or Tallahassee and systematically lay waste to the grotesque section of our society? Hell they even do damage at a Great Adventure-like theme park! Those places are breeding grounds for summer ugly.
The Ocean as an Overrated Vacation Destination
I’m not really sure when this happened. I’m guessing sometime around the turn of the 20th century, but at some point ocean beaches became a popular destination for vacationing. Which makes very, very little sense. Consider if someone said to you, “We are going to spend the whole day out in the blazing hot sun. You’ll have to smear your body with a protective coating of slime so you don’t get burned. Be careful where you get in the water because there’s this thing called a rip tide that’ll kill you. And if it doesn’t then there’s the jellyfish, sharks, body surfers and abnormally hairy dudes to worry about. Oh, if you’re bored you can dig a hole in the sand with your hands. And finally, when we leave, tiny sand particles will inhabit nooks and crannies on your person you never even knew about.” Would you go with them? I think not.
Love the ocean so much? You’re like my wife and just Davy Jones-ing for that salt water? Well Kevin Costner and company are here to show in vivid, post-apocalyptic detail what the ocean is really all about. Smoker planes flying over every two seconds with a never ending onslaught of filth. Douchebag jet skiers trying to kill everyone in sight. Bros like Costner taking themselves too seriously. Psychotic mad men just trying to get their hand on some primo beach like its life or death. Only man made shade. And water? Better bring your own. Actually, Waterworld is spot freaking on. It’s an encapsulation of every single one of my trips to the Jersey Shore. Coincidentally I’ll be down in LBI for Labor Day. Can’t wait. See you there and enjoy your summer!
For more where this came from, you can follow Doug Norrie on Twitter.
Doug began writing for CinemaBlend back when Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles actually existed. Since then he's been writing This Rotten Week, predicting RottenTomatoes scores for movies you don't even remember for the better part of a decade. He can be found re-watching The Office for the infinity time.
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