Good day, adulators of all things aortal. Here is where I normally make some pithy remarks about society at large and the weight of humanity’s wealth against the waste of our existence. But holy fish chainsaws do we have better things going today, as you will soon find out.

In minor news, Relativity Media will be heading into an orphan’s nightmares with Somnia, director Mike Flanagan’s follow-up to his soon-to-be-released Oculus, starring Thomas Jane and Kate Bosworth. Also, Troma is prepping a 30th anniversary Blu-ray, packed with special features like commentaries and interviews, but no release date has been set yet. Here’s hoping it comes with gooey toys. After the trailer, you’ll find an odd tag team, Jesus holding a shotgun and more horror remakes from your nightmares.

Now, on with the column!

Keanu reeves eli roth
Keanu Reeves Will Fight Girls in Eli Roth’s Knock Knock
At one point in my life I thought bacon and peanut butter was one of the craziest combinations ever, but then I tried it and wow. Cut to now, when Keanu Reeves has signed on to star in the Eli Roth thriller Knock Knock, which is being prepped to shop around at Cannes next month, with a goal of getting production underway in Santiago, Chile on April 14. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever see these two guys working together, and it makes the project sound a hell of a lot more watchable. For unironic reasons, even.

This $10 million suspense-fest will see Reeves playing a man happily married to Chilean actress Ignacia Allamand, who starred in Roth’s upcoming cannibal horror The Green Inferno. Two seductresses, played by Ana de Armas (Hands of Stone) and Lorenza Izzo (The Green Inferno), show up at his house and push him to extremes in ways that remain secretive for now. As is the case with a handful of other stories I’ve stuck in this column, this might not be strictly within the horror genre, as Roth told Deadline, "I wanted to make a movie like Roman Polanski or Paul Verhoeven made when they were young; a classic psychosexual thriller that’s not a horror movie, but would have everyone on the edge of their seats."

Let’s all put our thoughts together in hopes that Reeves’ character is some kind of a sex-obsessed martial arts master.

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