This Is It
opens this Wednesday and it's sure to make a bajillion dollars by drying the tears of a million overwrought fans. When This Is It
makes it big, it will unleash a cacophony of other Michael Jackson projects headed towards theaters and ready to take your money. Because I'm always eager to embrace the gradual moral and ethical decay of society, I'm here to help. Sure you can do the inevitable biopic but once that's done you'll have to start thinking outside the box. Before you cash-in on the King of Pop's legacy, Hollywood, consider stealing these ideas:
Bubba Captain EO
It's only a matter of time before people start claiming Michael Jackson pulled an Elvis and is actually alive out there somewhere. Meanwhile they've been promising a sequel to Bubba Ho-Tep
for quite awhile now. It only makes sense to combine these two pop confluences. Why not cash-in on that inevitable cultural paranoia and combine it with the murdering of butthole sucking mummies for a rollicking good time at the cinema? Not as dead as we thought Elvis had his shot in the first film, for the sequel Bubba Nosferatu
, bring in the secretly still alive King of Pop to team up with Bud Abbot and Walter Cronkite in the fight against vampires at a northern Florida retirement home. He can even throw on his Captain Eo costume and sing them to death. Michael Jackson is alive, well, and kicking supernatural ass. It's a comforting thought.
The Dream Team
Maybe you missed The Dream Team
, Michael Keaton's 1989 movie in which a group of mental patients are lost in New York and framed for murder, but you won't miss it when they remake it as a starring vehicle for Chris Tucker. The original movie has looney bin escapees of all types of affliction, so for the remake, bring in Chris Tucker as a man convinced that he's Michael Jackson. MJ impressions are Chris Tucker's forte and he'll moonwalk his way through the streets of New York leading a group of deluded misfits towards safety. The movie will end with Tucker using his crotch-grabbing dance abilities to save his schizophrenic friends from the machinations of organized crime while taking the first step forward towards regaining his own personality. The original Dream Team
is heart warming, funny, and done properly the remake should be nothing but respectful of Jackson's legacy. For Chris Tucker it's a way to honor his friend while also, you know, getting a paycheck.
The unauthorized Michael Jackson impersonator cameo was pretty much a staple of nearly every bad parody movie while he was alive, expect an explosion in limp-wristed Michael Jackson after-death satire now that he's gone. This doesn't have to be all bad though. Maybe MJ's ghost could work its way into Ghostbusters 3: Slimer Goes Hollywood
and a spectral version of Michael is almost assured to show up in the next Scary Movie
. It might even be funny. Michael's cameos from the next dimension don't have to be limited to ghost stories either. Imagine him as some sort of drug-haze spirit guide in the next Harold & Kumar
movie or as a replacement for Jim Morrison in a Wayne's World 3
. Shoehorning Michael's ethereal visage into the trailer for your shlocky movie is a guaranteed way to make people sit up and pay attention. There's no way Hollywood will be able to resist.
Zombie Michael Jackson
Instead of the incorporeal, why not make him corporeal and decidedly undead? Zombieland 2
is almost sure to happen and they'll need some way to top the killer celebrity cameo from the last one. What better way to do it than letting MJ dance his way across screen as the franchise's new, zombie sidekick? Imagine the irony! Besides, Michael loved Halloween and clearly had a thing for zombies. I think he'd approve of any movie in which he shows up to lead a group of rotting corpses in pre-determined line-dance. You'd even be able to re-use the Thriller
remake video he shot right before his death in the film. End Zombieland 2
with a big, 3D, Michael Jackson musical number? Hell yes. The King of Pop is even better when he's undead.
Bubbles In Neverland
Michael Jackson loved kids. Some might say he loved them too much, but for those of you who think it's ok for a grown man to sleep in the same bed with someone else's child then this cash-in idea is for you. MJ would have loved nothing better than to find himself involved in some sort of kids' movie and since monkeys are the default animal of any kids' story, it only makes sense to give Bubbles his own movie deal. It could be a cartoon or maybe it's live action, something in the vein of Beverly Hills Chihuahua
. Michael would only appear as a vague presence looming out of frame as Bubbles lives out his life on Neverland ranch, engaging in amusing antics with Michael's animals and, when the movie needs a serious moment, looking on forlornly as Michael throws him out of the bedroom and shuts the door so he can spend more time with his new friend Macaulay.