One of the biggest battles of 2012 will be between Universal Studios and Relativity Media. As we’ve been reporting all year, both film companies have their own takes on the Snow White fairy tale coming out during the 12 month stretch. We’ve already seen the studios butt heads over release dates – Relativity pushing Tarsem Singh’s Untitled Snow White project up to March 16th while Universal has Rupert Sanders’Snow White and the Huntsman dated for June 1st – but what if the characters themselves went head to head?
Early this morning the first images from Singh’s version of the Grimm fairy tale came online and when looking at the Snow White and the Huntsman images from Comic Con, I got to thinking: how would Kristen Stewart’s princess do against Lily Collins’? Could Armie Hammer kick Chris Hemsworth’s ass? What would be the result of a battle between Charlize Theron and Julia Roberts? Below you will find my complete breakdown.
Battle of the Snow Whites: Kristen Stewart vs. Lily Collins
Looking at these two images, I know exactly what you’re thinking: “Eric, one of these young ladies is wielding a sword and shield while the other is sitting pretty in a fluffy blue dress. This is a no brainer.” To that I say not so fast. Stewart may have the equipment (the sword is actually below the picture), but Collins has the numbers. Stewart looks all sad and alone in that photo because she has no friends, meanwhile the bright and shiny, happy-looking princess is surrounded by seven dwarfs that are clearly a little off kilter. Hell, Mickey from Seinfeld has a battle helmet on and one of the dudes in the back clearly murdered and decided to wear a ferocious beast. Plus, that big fluffy dress would be pretty damn hard to stab.
Battle of the Dashing Hero: Chris Hemsworth vs. Armie Hammer
Now things are getting a little interesting. These are both strapping young men wielding hardcore weapons that could easily kill a man. But let’s do a little bit of body language analysis, shall we? First let’s take a gander at Hemsworth. His hair is straggly and looks like it hasn’t been washed in weeks, he has a beard (which is a +1 in any fight), his eyes suggest that he’s not too happy with the way you’re looking at him, and the axe is slung over his shoulder like it’s no big deal. Now let’s move over to Hammer. Yes, his sword is thrust forward, but he seems to be leaning back a bit taking a defensive stance. His coat is nice and shiny and I polar bears would be envious of how white that shirt is. If these characters were to actually fight, Hemsworth would probably be okay with getting stabbed a few times provided it got him close enough to chop off Hammer’s head. But let’s be real, this was over the second I noticed the beard.
Battle of the Evil Queen: Charlize Theron vs. Julia Roberts
This is a much different kind of battle than the last two. Neither of these characters are inclined to do any physical labor themselves, so they definitely aren’t going to be picking up arms against each other. No, this is a battle of malevolence; a war that is won by the queen that simply wants it more. Ignoring the dagger in Theron’s hands (that’s clearly for show, come on), the high-collar and black dress looks so damn evil that Osama bin Laden would have thought it was a bit too much. Then there’s Roberts relaxing deep in her chair and wearing a dress so big that even if she were to try and stand she probably wouldn’t be able to find the floor. She looks so damn relaxed that you could Photoshop a remote control into her right hand and nobody would blink an eye. The choice is simple: one of these ladies simply wanted it more.
BONUS ROUND - Battle of the Other Guys: Sam Claflin vs. Nathan Lane
Seriously? Come on. It’s in the eyes.
FINAL ANALYSIS: By a final score of 3-1, the winner of this contest is Snow White and the Huntsman, but the war is from over. To learn more about both films be sure to check out each one’s individual pages in our Blend Film Database HERE and HERE. With that I’ll throw it to you:
Which do you think will be the better Snow White movie?