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I grew up on Die Hard. Bruce Willis was among my first celebrity crushes. I've seen the movie countless times, and revisit it with my family as part of our annual Christmas tradition. I usually accept Bruce Willis in all forms, and am generally pumped at any and all excuses to see him on the big screen, especially when he is the smugly witty badass John McClane.
And I was so confident about A Good Day to Die Hard that I offered to pen a piece on why it is the second best of the series, sight unseen. But then I saw it. And...plans changed. Sean has written an insightful review of A Good Day to Die Hard's many failings. But I had so many feelings watching the latest adventure of John McClane that there was really only one way to properly display them... as GIFs. (SPOILERS AHEAD!)
At first I was basically on the same page as Key and Peele. I love me some Bruce Willies!
The movie begins. Subtitles. Russian men. Spy talk. Uh huh. Okay. Where is John McClane?
Boom boom boom! There's my man! Older, but still looking rock solid.
McClane, a fish out of water in Russia (to save his son or something), chats it up with a cab driver who bursts into a singing Sinatra impression at the mention of New York. Here we go.
Whoa. Who is Jai Courtney and why is he being such a dick to my Bruce Willis?
This car chase is totally bonkers! It's like Die Hard meets Fast Five!
Oh...Many innocent people were definitely just killed by John McClane's reckless driving.
The bad guy is gnawing on a carrot AND soft-shoeing. He says he hates cowboys and would rather be a dancer than a gangster. What is the hell is happening?
The action literally stops to wedge in awkward emotional father-son moments. Jack McClane, you are supposed to be the fresh blood in this franchise, but you are dragging everything down! I hate you.
Chernobyl. Tired Russian stereotypes. No drool-inducing new tech or action innovation. I'm now convinced this script was moldering away on a shelf for decades. "Tack on cell phones and it's ready to shoot!"
Shaky cam is so shaky I can't see what's happening. What. Is. Going. On?
McClane said Yippee Ki-Yay Motherfucker without being censored. That's something. I guess.
I know Willis is getting up there in age, but the editing is so rough that it's crazy obvious he has done none of the stunts. He biggest stunt is actually when he stumbles from a seated position to standing. He is officially old, and my own mortality stares back at me.
The real bad guy is revealed, and chucked off a building. Why do I feel nothing?
Slo-mo family reunion at the airport?....That was it?! But…but…THAT WAS AWFUL!
A Die Hard movie where John McClane gets loads of scorn from his charisma-free son, isn't given a beat to land the few one-liners he was allowed, and gets only a smattering of screentime as a badass? Die Hard franchise, you're dead to me.