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Dinosaurs, while awesome to look at and fun to research and think about, are not exactly the best tourist attractions. You'd think this is a lesson that the folks who keep trying to make Jurassic Park happen would learn, but three films have come and quite a few lives have gone in the name of dinosaur-fueled progress.
On the eve of the fourth walk in the park, Jurassic World, we turn our thoughts to those who have died at the hands and claws of the creatures that John Hammond dreamed would capture the imagination of the entire planet. Here now is a gallery of the 12 most notable characters who were killed in the line of dino combat.
(Note: This list centers on highlighted individual character deaths, not mass character deaths)
Unnamed Raptor Loader (Jophery C. Brown)Who He Was: One in a long line of loaders on hand the night a Velociraptor was being loaded into its paddock, this unnamed loader was killed merely because he showed up to work. While being an employee for Jurassic Park must have been a high pay/cushy benefits package job, it’s also a gig that comes with a ton of risk.
How He Died: Despite all of the training and drills the crew at Jurassic Park must have been through, a simple accident was all it took for our unnamed victim to become a snack for an eager Raptor. While the beast made a break for the open gate, her un-secured container is knocked back and sends our unlucky subject flying off of the container, landing just in eating range.
Brutal Death Ranking: 10/10. The poor guy is alive when the dinosaur starts to eat him in the first scene of Jurassic Park, so that alone is bad enough. But to be dragged up and down the container, as well as feeling the life slowly leave you through agonizing pain and dismemberment? That's true dino hell.
Donald Gennaro (Martin Ferrero)Who He Was: A "bloodsucking lawyer" who was nuts over the idea of a theme park full of dinosaurs, Donald Gennaro was a lawyer sent by the investors of Jurassic Park to make sure the attraction wasn't a huge liability for any guests that might have crossed its gates. Left to look after Lex and Tim, John Hammond's grandchildren, he turned tail once a Tyrannosaurus rex made itself known.
How He Died: Fleeing the Jeep was a pretty big mistake, but Gennaro's death could be chalked up to an act of God. Which means that not only does God like Ian Malcolm, the best among the cast of Jurassic Park, but that God is a female Tyrannosaurus rex who doesn't mind her food a little dirty. While Malcolm's gambit to draw the Rex away from the kids worked, only knocking him out for his troubles, Donald Gennaro's fate was to be eaten almost whole off of a toilet.
Brutal Death Ranking: 5/10. While the bite wouldn't have necessarily killed him instantaneously, and the thrashing would definitely have been painful to endure, Genarro should have gone quickly.
Dennis Nedry (Wayne Knight)Who He Was: A thieving saboteur among the ranks of John Hammond's finest employees, Dennis Nedry was the programmer of the park's computer systems. He was also a man with financial debt, and low moral fiber, as he agreed to furnish the competition with viable dinosaur embryos that would lead to them having their own chance at building a dinosaur park 65 million years in the making. How interesting it was that his own monkey wrench would be the instrument to bring upon his demise in Jurassic Park.
How He Died: While trying to escape Isla Nublar with the embryos, Nedry's Jeep gets into a bit of an accident. While trying to free himself from said accident, he runs afoul of a Dilophosaurus, taking a face full of blinding/paralyzing venom and ultimately being eaten in his car.
Brutal Death Ranking: 7/10. The venom would have gone a long way to easing Nedry's physical pain, had it been given the time to work its magic. This was not the case, however, as we heard his screams of pain in the Jeep. Our guess is that he was chomped to death at a moderate pace.
John Arnold (Samuel L. Jackson)Who He Was: John "Ray" Arnold was the chief engineer of Jurassic Park, who ran the show from the park's control room. Everything from tour protocols to shuttle announcements went through him, putting him at a pretty powerful position in the park's chain of command. It was Arnold who tried to undo all of the work Dennis Nedry did to lock everyone out of the system, and ultimately it is he that throws the switch to reboot the park.
How He Died: We don't see John die on screen, but we see the aftermath of his demise. After leaving the safety of the control room to reset the power to vital park systems, we learn that Arnold has been mostly devoured. The only evidence that Arnold was in the control room to begin with was his arm as it slid down to re-assure Ellie, right before she realized the shocking truth.
Brutal Death Ranking: 6/10. While dying at the hands of a Velociraptor is almost a guaranteed 10 on this list, the reality is that we don't know how bad the attack was. Still, dismemberment is pretty damned bad, so this one's a good halfway point on the scale.
Robert Muldoon (Bob Peck)Who He Was: Muldoon, the game warden of Jurassic Park, had a taste for adventure. While he was the first to tell you if something didn’t sound right, he's was also the first to volunteer to save your hide if need be. It is these facts that actually make his death one of the more disappointing in Jurassic Park.
How He Died: While he stalks the Raptors, in hopes of providing Ellie enough covering fire to start the park systems back up, Robert Muldoon somehow forgets to remember that the clever girls hunt in packs. Being distracted by the raptors running around ahead of him, one of the other pack members pokes her face out of the bushes before leaping onto Muldoon and eating him in a most painful way.
Brutal Death Ranking: 8/10. All things considered, Muldoon hunted these animals fair and square, and he knew the outcome was possibly his demise. His methods and expectations aren't pie in the sky, but at the same time a tactical upset slipped through – costing Robert his life in a most painful way.
Dieter Stark (Peter Stormare)Who He Was: Part of an inGen expedition to retrieve as many specimens as they could for their latest attempt at a park, Dieter Stark was a perfectly random character that got a really memorable death in The Lost World: Jurassic Park. A hard case of a man with an ill temper to boot, he doesn’t really care about the dinosaurs on this island, who don't seem to be impressive and/or worth his time. But the money he's being paid for this journey probably is. What a shame he won't get to cash that last paycheck, what with being dead and all.
How He Died: While going to the bathroom in the wide open spaces of Site B on Isla Sorna, a pack of Compsognathus find themselves crossing paths with Dieter. Seeing as he's not the type of man that abides by nosy little creatures like the Compies, the group swarms Stark and pecks him to death.
Brutal Death Ranking: 2/10. This is another kill that ranks in the total list that doesn't really impress. Being pecked to death by tiny dinosaurs seems like a bit of a stretch, especially considering the young girl at the beginning of the film was attacked by the same pack and managed to survive.
Peter Ludlow (Arliss Howard)Who He Was: After the failure of Isla Nublar, inGen goes into Chapter 11 and John Hammond's nephew is left mostly in charge of the company. Among his brilliant ideas on how to save the company's very shaky future is the usage of a live Tyrannosaurus rex and its baby in an attraction slated to open in San Diego. Flash-forward past some mass casualties, and we get the coup d' grace of The Lost World: Jurassic Park: Baby's first hunting lesson!
How He Died: In an attempt to try and escape the mother and child T-Rex pair, the mother bites down on Peter and lets her baby do the rest. Unable to move as freely as he'd like, Ludlow can only look on in horror as a proud mama signals her baby to finish the job she had started.
Brutal Death Ranking: 4/10. Barring the leg wound, the T-Rex kills haven't been as brutal as some of the other ones we'll be covering. If anything, this kill is more funny than brutal.
Eddie Carr (Richard Schiff)Who He Was: Eddie, the field equipment expert hired by John Hammond for his expedition team, had the ultimate misfortune of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. While a perfectly nice guy, with awesome gadgets and gizmos to help navigate an island filled with dinosaurs, coincidence was Eddie's undoing as the very vehicle that makes up his last name is the very place he'd spend his final moments.
How He Died: While Ian Malcolm and Sarah Harding attempted to nurse the injured baby Rex to health in the trailer, Eddie was manning the SUV connected to the trailers in an attempt to secure them. Sensing the presence of their missing child, mother and father Tyrannosaurus rex stomp into the scene very angrily and looking for someone to take it out on. After smashing into the SUV and fetching Eddie out of it, they decide to split the bounty by tearing Eddie in two. Think Lady And The Tramp, except much more brutal.
Brutal Death Ranking: 8/10. While this kill is short and sweet, those final moments being torn apart must have been extremely harrowing for Eddie.
Unlucky Bastard (David Koepp)Who He Was: After the ill-advised move of bringing the mother and baby T-Rex from Isla Sorna to San Diego in The Lost World: Jurassic Park, mother Tyrannosaurus stormed off of the boat unexpectedly in search of her dear child. Which meant that anyone caught out on the streets would want seek shelter where they could get it. This is exactly what screenwriter David Koepp tried to do in his credited cameo as the "Unlucky Bastard," a man who ultimately succumbs to his own fictional creation.
How He Died: In the confusion and panic of the ensuing Tyrannosaurus rex attack, the "Unlucky Bastard" tries to duck into a local book store. Just as he gets to the doors, he's cornered by our errant Rex and grabbed kicking and screaming. After a couple of chomps and a toss to the ground, the man is no more.
Brutal Death Ranking: 3/10. While Tyrannosaur kills usually seem pretty bad-ass, this one is played straight for the laughs. Considering Koepp would go on to direct this year's disastrous bomb, Mortdecai, perhaps that Rex was trying to do the world a favor.
Cooper (John Diehl)Who He Was: When The Kirby's son goes missing in Jurassic Park III, the mother and father hire a team of professionals to mount a search and rescue mission on Isla Sorna. Among those rescue team members is Cooper – a mercenary with some high powered weaponry. Unfortunately for him, his tool kit wasn't packing anything strong enough to put a Spinosaurus down for good.
How He Died: After being abandoned on the ground, Cooper tries to warn the crew of the plane to quit while they're ahead. Just as the plane looks like it's going to hit him, the Spinosaurus appears from out of the woods and grabs Cooper in one fell swoop. One crunch, and the man is dead, with the plane crashing in the jungle as a result.
Brutal Death Ranking: 1/10. This is a quick and easy kill, as the Spinosaurus makes the grab quickly and possesses enough force in its jaw to split a person in two quicker than a dinosaur of a smaller size.
M.B. Nash (Bruce A. Young)Who He Was: A vital part of the rescue mission, Nash is the man who was piloting the private jet hired by Paul and Amanda Kirby. Ignorant of Cooper's warnings, despite being friendly with the man, Nash kept on trying to land. Eventually, the plane crashed and Nash would fall prey to the infamous Spinosaurus himself.
How He Died: As it ripped the plane apart, the Spinosaurus takes a huge bite onto Nash's leg, and drags him out of the plane. Just when it looked like he might be able to crawl to his escape, the Spinosaurus let out a might roar before eating Nash from off of the ground.
Brutal Death Ranking: 7/10. The false note of hope Nash experienced during this casualty is only exceeded by the quickness the Spinosaurus possessed in killing the man before too long. The biting and the dragging looked pretty painful when done "wrong," and Nash definitely found himself on the more painful end of the scale.
Mr. Udesky (Michael Jeter)Who He Was: Rounding out Team Kirby's hired help is Udesky, the man who runs the show and hires the help. Assuring Paul and Amanda that his team will ensure they'll have nothing to worry about on Isla Sorna, Udesky had the best intentions to try and find their lost son, Eric. Of course, the best intentions tend to run askew in the world of Jurassic Park, as Udesky is killed in a rather un-convenntional way in Jurassic Park III.
How He Died: While the group is running through the jungles of Isla Sorna, a raptor gets the best of Udesky. That's nothing new in and of itself, but what happens next is where the high ranking comes into play. You see, this kill is a rage quit on the part of the raptors as they only paralized Udesky at first, proving that they can set a trap pretty effectively.
Brutal Death Ranking: 9/10. This is the first, and so far only, kill that's been used as a distraction tactic to draw humans further into the fray. It’s both pretty awesome and brutal at the same time.
Now we'll just have to wait and see what kind of body count Jurassic World creates...