With all due respect to Lost, Philip K. Dick’s Why Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep? and the new tax code in the United States, HBO’s Big Love may be the most complicated, convoluted show ever produced by a major network. That’s not to say I don’t like it--I’m pretty sure I do--it’s just a weekly sixty minute clusterfuck of storylines going every which way. And at the epicenter of all these drama-spewing mazes is Bill Henrickson. How the man ever sleeps is beyond me. He’s got more enemies than Joseph McCarthy, more money problems than the Soviet Union. And tonight’s season finale is somehow expected to tie all these loose ends up. Bullshit. There’s no way. Here are 60 little quagmires Big Love desperately needs to answer tonight…
1): Will Bill go through with his promises to divorce Nikki?
2): Why did Nikki’s ex-husband J.J. return to the compound?
3): Will Joey seek vengeance against Nikki for her hand in Kathy’s death?
4): Nikki apparently has a daughter from her first marriage she never sees. What the fuck is that about?
5): Will Ray, the prosecutor, charge Nikki with conspiracy for stealing information during her father’s trial?
6): Will Barb ever forgive Nikki for her lies?
7): What’s going on with Nikki and the birth control? Does she ever plan on having more babies?
8): Will Nikki tell the rest of the family she caught Sara and Scott having sex in her bed?
9): She already made out with the District Attorney from Who’s Line Is It Anyway. Is that affair going any further?
10): What the hell is going on with this new alliance between Nikki and her brother Alby?
11): What’s going on with Margene’s shopping/ getting out of the house fixation?
12): Will she ever dye her hair back to that hideous strikingly blonde color?
13): Will Margene back down and have the next baby since Nikki is refusing?
14): Ben is in love with Margene and she knows it. Are they going to talk about that creepiness again?
15): Is Tansy going to rat on Ben and Margene after she found the love note?
16): Is Margene going to have another freakout over her mother’s death?
17): Whatever happened with Pam’s search for a surrogate mother? Margene was going to surrogate for her but she’s got more of Bill’s kids to bring into the world.
18): Will the kidnapping finally bring Barb and her sister Cindy back together?
19): On a scale of 1 to 10, how pissed must Barbie be about Cindy’s ratting her out to the church?
20): Will Barb’s expulsion from the Church Of Latter Day Saints allow her to finally embrace Polygamy?
21): Will Barb and Sara get close again after the miscarriage and problems with Scott?
22): So, Barb’s mom was unsealed to Barb’s father so she could marry Ned…what’s that all about? Will she really just abandon her first husband in the afterlife for Philip Baker Hall’s swarthy good looks?
23): Is Barb on board with the casino yet? That hasn’t been addressed in awhile.
24): Will Barb slap Nikki in her bitch mouth for constantly degrading her “psychology classes”?
25): Will the Prophet ever live in the Big House again?
26): Will Roman get his comeuppance for manslaughtering Kathy?
27): Will his alliance with the Green’s hold?
28): How will Kathy’s death affect his relationship with main wife Adeline?
29): Will he seek retribution for Nikki’s tripping him in the courthouse?
30): Will Roman reunite with Bill to crush Alby?
31): Roman and Selma Green are brother and sister? Did anyone see that obnoxiousness coming?
32): What will the Greens do with Ted’s Asian daughter?
33): Will Hollis successfully extort the Polygamy letter from the church?
34): Do Hollis and Selma actually sleep together? If so, gross.
35): How will Selma’s pitchfork wound heal up?
36): Why haven’t they been arrested? Aren’t they still fugitives from Season 2?
37): Why did they form an alliance with Roman Grant? I’m sure Hollis is working some kind of crazy angle.
38): Will the Green’s brand anyone else on the ass? They haven’t really been doing that lately. It kinda makes me sad.
39): Will Sara and Scott keep sleeping together?
40): Is Ben still on board with Polygamy? Because his crush on Margene seems like a slap in the face to the Principal.
41): Will Heather ever talk to Sara again?
42): Heather clearly has a lesbian crush on Sara. How has that not come out?
43): Is Sara going to reconsider not going to college?
44): Ben punched Scott in the face. Are they going to be able to interact amiably if Scott and Sara get back together?
45): Remember when Teeny showed the local boys pornography? Are we going to get any sort of back story on how and why that happened?
46): What’s going to happen with Nikki’s kids?
47): Is Sara going to get bitch slapped for having sex in Nikki’s bed?
48): Are Don’s wives are going to come home to him and Peg?
49): Is Bill going to give Ted 10% of the casino?
50): What happened to Rhonda? There’s no way that harlot is just going to disappear.
51): Will Bill’s dad return from his exile in Mexico?
52): Why was Joey making out with his deceased fiancee’s sister?
53): Wanda hasn’t done anything crazy in awhile. Some unlucky son of a bitch is getting poisoned. But who will it be?
54): How pissed is Bill’s dad going to be about his wife’s attempts to kill him?
55): Is Anna coming back?
56): If Anna does come back, will she make out with Bill to Avril Lavigne’s “Girlfriend” again?
57): Will Uncle Frankie come back?
58): What’s up with Sara’s bitch friends from work? One of them is going to sleep with Ben at some point.
59): Is Home Plus still losing money?
60): And finally, will Bill finally unravel amidst all of these what-the-fucks?
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Enthusiastic about Clue, case-of-the-week mysteries, a great wrestling promo and cookies at Disney World. Less enthusiastic about the pricing structure of cable, loud noises and Tuesdays.