Previously on Jersey Shore: Sitch lied about shtupping Snooki and everyone freaked out and it felt sort of like a terrible episode of The Real World. Deena revealed she's 3/8 lesbian on her mother's side. Twins slept with forty percent of the house.
Yeah. That sounds about right.
This week: Morning in Florence. Everyone wakes up. Sitch says goodbye to the one twin he managed to trick into midnight olympics. Sitch checks in on Deena and Twin #2, and Twin #2 is all "I AM AN INDIVIDUAL!" over and over again. I may have spit an entire can of Diet Coke out while laughing. Awesome. Vinny explains that he and Deena actually "tag teamed" Twin #2, which...is awful. It's just like pro-wrestling: everyone's greasy, loud, and hitting each other, and it's definitely all fake.
The boys go out to brunch and gossip. It's like the View, but with less testosterone. Sitch is all I BANGED SNOOKI and Ronnie arcs a carefully-sculpted eyebrow in severe doubt. The girls are brunching elsewhere, discussing the same issue, and JWOWW is wearing a hat that looks like it's made out of a whale's uterus. Blah blah Snooki and Sitch, blah blah Deena is a lesbian, blah blah a long and uncomfortable conversation about nipple-licking. Well, that all happened. Snooki also spends a few minutes looking at a horse penis. I'm going to go cry for a bit.
Back at the house, the gang cooks Sunday dinner, and there's about 32 lesbian jokes. They also enjoy using the word "lesbionic," which is not a word. I think it means that someone was in an accident, and was rebuilt into Ellen DeGeneres using the latest medical technology. Snooki calls her gorilla-manfriend Jioni and tells him all about the Sitch hookup lie. Jioni sounds like he's taken a valium or fourteen, and the conversation goes in circles. Snooki's sure got a type. I miss the duck-phone, by the way. Snooki says she wants to have babies, which makes me just wanna yell IT BREEDS! KILL IT WITH FIRE! but I contain myself. Then that's over.
The girls turn dinner into a costume party, with big hats and tiny dresses. Deena and Snooki wear matching dresses, as is customary for the gnome-people. Deena proclaims that her lesbian tendencies are sealed shut, and she looks forward to a joyous return to penis. Vinny still feels like Deena stole Twin #2, and thus the boys drag her bed into the hallway. Deena explodes into tears, and it sort of looks like a leprechaun sprung a leak. Crying doesn't suit you, girl. So, we deal with that for the next twelve minutes. JWOWW is all "you guys are mean" and Vinny is all "penis penis penis." Pauly flips out on Deena for...you know, I'm not sure. There's more crying. I'm bored. JWOWW looks bored, too. The Pinnochio puppet definitely looks bored. Then, everyone makes up. Well, that's a chunk of my life that's gone forever. Everyone hugs and a soft guitar rift flows over the soundtrack.
I hate everyone right now.
The gang goes to the pizza-place for work. The uniform consists of teeny white hats, and Snooki leaks bronzer all over hers. Gross. Pauly's job involves handing out fliers and yelling. He may also sleep with 58 women while on his shift. Delightful. Back at the house, JWOWW decides to give Ronnie a stern talking-to about his phone-sex conversations with Hannah, his gal-pal back home. She's all SAMMI WILL HATE THIS and I'm all NO MORE SAMMI AND RON CRAP. MTV, LEAVE US ALONE. But no one hears me. Typical.
Back at the pizza, Deena and Snooki get drunk on the job, and convince a customer to buy them wine, which they chug in the bathroom. The boss catches them and they tell them they're having their period. I don't have anything funny to say to this--it's really, really disgusting and morally awful. I hate these tiny orange monsters and hope they explode. Marco, their boss, dumps out their wine and they're all I HATE YOU. Hey, Snooki? What's Italian for "you're going to die alone and no one's gonna care?"
Back at the house, Ronnie gives Sammi a purse and she wraps herself around him like a horny boa constrictor. Well, we're going to have to deal with this again, aren't we? Snooki and JWOWW go out to dinner, and there's a long conversation about making sex toys out of their boyfriends'...equipment. Snooki sucks on a fork for most of this. I think I want to die. Let's skip to the club: Vinny tracks down an Italian girl and flirts with her in the mother tongue...which I think literally involves tongue. Sammi doesn't like Ronnie being within fifty feet of anything else with a vagina, so that starts a fight. Wow. Ronnie is really short. I wonder if that's what a male specimen of Snooki's magical troll people look like. Ron and Sammi break up again. Yatzee. Pauly and Sitch find the obligatory women to drag home, and we know what's gonna happen next.
Sammi and Ron spend most of the evening fighting at home, and snuggling in bed, and switching positions, and waxing each other's backs. Yawn. Sitch and Pauly's girls leave before anything happens, and Sitch calls Twin #1 as a backup. Really? There's backups? Really? Sammi then tells Ronnie that Sitch told her that...this is a game of telephone. I am typing out a game of telephone. What is wrong with my life? Anyway, Sammi tells Ron something and Ronnie flips out and then he and Sitch start hitting each other.
So, that's our first fist fight of the season. I was worried we wouldn't get one. Awesome. See all of you next week, lovelies, when someone goes to the hospital. Be back in seven!
