The Situation. Snooki. JWoww. Vinny. Pauly D. Ron. Sammi. We already know who these people are, for better or worse. Season 3 of Jersey Shore managed to downgrade the ante by adding Deena, one of Snooki’s thousands of best friends, to the cast. As intelligent as her boobs are unnoticeable (they’re very noticeable), Deena replaces the black hole that was Angelina, and still manages to draw verbal comparisons to her by the season’s end. On the first night, she’s already calling Sammi a cunt and causing brawls. Rarely does someone elicit such hateful ire out of me so quickly. To reiterate: I hate Deena.
The worst part about Jersey Shore, if that can be narrowed down, is a lack of meaningful content, which could stand as its dictionary definition. Watching people indulge in their vices is fine on a temporary basis, but there are 13 episodes to suffer through, and we’ve already seen everything these people have to offer entertainment-wise. This means the most miniscule occurrences are magnified into mini-storylines. The group drinks, smokes, eats, clogs toilets, tans, barely works, and talks about having sex more than actually having sex. (The toilet clogging really does become a multi-episode arc.) This is reality television coming as close to reality as it can, which is less interesting than actually meeting eight unlikeable people on the street. To reiterate: I hate reality, and possibly people.
If I were to bring up the new and fresh stories offered this season, I would be making shit up. The house is the same. They’re again employed by the Shore Store, now selling licensed shirts with catchphrases they’ve hyped. T-shirt time still occurs before hitting up Karma and Aztec, the same two clubs they frequented before. Prank wars still randomly occur. Admittedly, some of these pranks are clever and amusing, but then so are millions of things that aren’t as repetitive. Seriously, Pauly D.’s first-season stalker, Danielle, reappears a few times. It’s like mirrors reflecting mirrors, if someone wasn’t already standing in front of one styling their hair or pushing their boobs into place.
There’s no denying that the main crux of this season is the constant implosion of Sammi and Ron’s relationship, and most of it still takes place in or around a bed one of them is lying in. If their month in Miami was D-Day, this return to Jersey is their Hiroshima. Not WWII enough? Theirs would be the most justifiable double suicide since Adolf and Eva. I could continue. While Sammi actually manages to grow a backbone here, it’s no match for Ron’s Raging Bull fits of aggression. Ron is one of the reasons things like AA exist, even though he’s far from anonymous now.
I sit and watch Jersey Shore with my wife, and I understand where her excitement for the show comes from. But like ramen noodles, Limp Bizkit, Star Wars, and professional wrestling, Jersey Shore is going into the Closet of Shames Once Enjoyed. More engaging than most other cable-ready reality shows, it is still a place where intelligence goes to die while dressed like a hooker. Sorry, Italy.
Crude as it is, my favorite aspect of this DVD set, as with the others, is the lack of censored language. The "uncensored" unceremoniously doesn't mean there's nudity and gore, but with all the hatefulness these people show, dialogue would be minimal if all of it was bleeped. Well, there would be all these damned catchphrases. For true fans, there are many extras, though some have played already zillions of times on MTV. They were all new to me.
The "Reunion Special" gathers the group for 40 minutes of rehashing and rebashing. A reunion should happen years after the fact, not a couple of weeks. Just saying. Luckily, the most rewatchable moments were those hit upon. Everything helps at this point. The same forgettable woman hosting here also hosts "After Hours" interview sessions with the relevant cast members for "Free Snooki," "Cabs are Here!" and "A Cheesy Situation." I didn't like having to hear inane commentary on something as simple as this shit, but it's a cheap half-hour for MTV to produce.
The eight extended scenes range from mildly funny, as in Vinny’s first mani/pedi or Snooki fucking up grilled hot dogs, to mindless drivel, as in JWoww getting date therapy from a plant. The “Hook Ups” section is genuinely amusing, including a drunken JWoww loudly wanting to snuggle with Pauley D., and Snooki getting hit on by a boyish lesbian, not to mention all the whipped cream being licked off of people. There are eight “Confessional” segments, mostly of group members drunkenly celebrating or complaining about something. Pauly D. and Vinny are amusing here, but that’s all. Finally, spend five generic minutes with the gang as they pose for promotional photography in “Photo Shoot.”
The price tag for these DVDs keeps going up with each season, but I guess it’s worth it if you breathe and bleed this kind of nonsense. A great set for a supreme example of human error.
Length: 572 min.
Rated: Not rated
Distributor: MTV Productions
Release Date: 7/26/11
Starring: Sammi Giancola, Ronnie Magro, Nicole Polizzi, Jenni Farley, Mike Sorrentino, Pauly Del Vecchio, Vinny Guadagnino, Deena Cortese
Directed by: Brad Kreisberg
Produced by: SallyAnn Salsano
Visit the Jersey Shore Official Website