Jersey Shore Season 5 Premiere Watch: Hurricane Situation

Previously on Jersey Shore: Jersey. Miami. Jersey. Italy. Well, I guess it's time to head back to NJ, then. Jersey Shore seasons are like Star Trek movies... the odd ones tend to be the most embarrassing ones. I said "most." Because really, as a Jersey boy, I find them all embarrassing. We last left our little orange friends in Italy, as they said Ciao to the bootiest of countries and ran screaming back to the beaches of the Dirty Jerz. Oh, also, The Situation is super-evil and douchebaggy now.

I think that brings y'all up to speed.

This week: Well, we watch the shories fly on home, and Pauly tells us that no one wants to room with Sitch (duh?). Snooki says she wants her old bed back, because she peed in it, and that makes it hers. Spay and neuter your pets, people. Here's the reason why.

So, we watch everyone get home, get a little flashback to Sammi and Ron going all Sid n' Nancy, and then we get a creepy talking head of how Mike wants to be friends with everyone... "or not." I'm sorry, this is "reality tv" in the same way that Taco Bell is Mexican food. It makes WWE wrestling look like Cinema Verite. Does anyone really think he's doing this without the advice of the producers? Yawntastic.

Oh, then Snooki drinks some straight pickle juice. Or maybe it's a tub of her own urine. We're all a little unclear on this one, due to both the similar colors and consistency. The gang hits the boardwalk early, and visits Danny, who's "thrilled" to have them back for a third summer at the Shore Store. Danny's "thrilled" looks like my reaction to that "Miracle of Life" short movie we all had to watch in high school health class. Pauly wants to go tanning, because he thinks he's incredibly pale. He says he's almost as white as his teeth; well, I think that's what he says. I don't want to think about alternatives.

Quick montage of Ronnie lifting things. Remember what happened to Barry Bonds, kids. Snooki snuggles a dead cheetah (seriously, it looks like a dead cheetah) and says she misses her man-thing, Jionni. Pauly then tracks down an American barber and gets a little shorn with the boys. Mike gets a super short haircut and then, inexplicably, shellacks it into place. Vinnie gets a mullet-mohawk-fauxhawk, or as I'm going to call it, a mo'fo'hawk.

Mo'Fo'Hawk. C'mon, friends. Let's try and make that a thing, people. We then have to witness a homecoming with everyone's families, and it's like they're coming home from a war. Deena makes snuggly piglet noises as she nuzzles into the armpit of the thing that unfortunately seems to have birthed her. Everyone cries, even JWOWW, and you know it must be serious if a man of her stature is breaking down. Uncle Nino is also back, and I think he somehow impregnates a hundred and fourteen young women over a single commercial break. Yikes.

Mike is still insisting that he and Snooks hooked up, and his friend, "Unit," is all sorts of shady. Hands up: Who would watch a spin-off called "Unit and the Situation?" That sounds like it belongs on Cinemax After Dark. Anyway, Deena and Snooki hate Unit. Oh, we also have to deal with these awful interstitials where the cast watches the episode and offers commentary. It's like Pop Up Video, if Pop Up Video could give you syphilis.

Blah Blah Blah. Unit. Sweaty women. Unit. Things happen in a bathroom. JWOWW is wearing a very short skirt, and it's like the FInkel/Einhorn scene from Ace Ventura. Everyone's family goes home and there's yet more crying and I just want to throw bricks at everything and everyone. Snooki hates on Unit some more and plans to smoosh Jionni. I wish there was literal smooshing, and he was going to get flattened, hardcore. Sammi points out that there's something a scoche gay about Unit and Sitch, and Sitch denies this while shaving Unit's back and watching Ellen and planning a couples-only freedom rally in Vermont. Or something. I faded a little at this point.

Oh, hey! Ryder, Snooki's friend who looks like Deena but isn't Deena, sucks on Pauly's tongue like there's candy inside. Vinny, Unit, Pauly. That's three! You've won a free VD! Please hand over your punch card, you miserable, filthy excuse for a human being. Pauly also has a giant soft hammer done up in urban camo. Uh, I love this. First person who sends me one of these gets a pony.

During commercial, Vinny and Deena talking-head about how much they loved this new The Devil Inside movie, which I'm pretty sure is an autobiography about Snooki's no-no parts. I hate that people will buy things and do things because these people tell them to do so. It's like a herpetic version of drinking the Kool-aid.

Vinny tells us that Ryder is playing "Guido Bingo." Three guesses what I've just nicknamed the "free space" in this game. Go on. Guess. Ronnie makes an almost-clever joke about Ryder's name, and a bus route, and it's almost like he's trying for a little bit of poetry. Or maybe he's having a stroke. I'm hoping for door number two. Unit and Snooki make up, or maybe she just makes up with his abs. I don't think Unit is listening, but his belly button ripples in acknowledgement of her apology. Great. We can all move on now.

I'm pretty sure Vinny has mugged Rivers Cuomo and taken his glasses, because he's wearing them and looking all hipstery and crying intermittently. Maybe he's developing an allergy to Deena's fur. You really have to watch yourself around dander, pal. Ronnie calls him a mama's boy, and Deena asks him if he wants to "do sex." If you use the phrase "do sex," you either are a child, homeschooled, or the Incredible Hulk. Deena, in this case, is all three. Vinny, if you have sex with her, you deserve whatever happens next. Hulk Smash.

Pauly decides to combat Vinny's homesickness by hunting out a lady or two for him at Aztec...but all he comes up with is a barrel-full of grenades. So, that's a hot mess. The boys go home and hold hands and walk on the boardwalk and nuzzle like horses. Back at Aztec, Deena is vogueing or something, which looks like she's trying to put her head in a box. I wish she would just literally do it, like at the end of Se7en, and be done with it. Mike and Jionni spend some time together and pat each other's butts and go condo-shopping on Fire Island together, and Snooki looks all sorts of pissy about it.

Oh, hey. Vinny wakes up and goes catatonic and says he can't sleep, and he gets all twitchy and says something about not being able to function here.

I think he's going to leave. I'm listening to "Another One Bites the Dust" and cackling maniacally. Oh, go the heck home, Vinny, you mo'fo'hawked, chunky-glasses wearing, crying hipster weirdo-thing.

And we're done. Back in seven, kiddlywinks. Stay out of trouble until then.