Previously on Jersey Shore: Sammi and Ronnie continued spewing abusive poop everywhere, and Sitch got one of the dogs to literally spew poop everywhere. Okay, so...
This Week: Ronnie confronts Sammi about the whole "hey, have you been cheating on me with Arvin" thing. Sammi grabs the phone (DUCK PHONE COUNT: 1) and is all WE DIDN'T MAKE OUT and Arvin provides curiously specific instances in which yes, yes they did make out.There's lots of yelling and the duck phone gets thrown and then Sammi storms off. Hey, Sunday dinner: everyone smiles and laughs and makes unintelligible happy noises. Danny's throwing a party for everyone at the store, and they're each allowed to bring two guests. Of course, Sammi and Ronnie debate who they can and can't bring, because their freinds hate each other. I HATE THESE PEOPLE. HATE. Feels good to get that out. So, Ronnie and Sammi sit down and chat...again. And Sammi comes clean to the fact that yes, she and Arvin did hook up. She was young, she needed the money, blah blah blah. I think that's the argument. Ronnie cries a little. It's gross and snotty. So, that's done.
Next day at work, Ronnie makes some sort of obscure drama at the shirt shop and Danny tears off his shirt in as homoerotic a fashion as possible. The boys start to oil one another up, while Snooki starts flirting with a 21 year old...man-thing. Skipping to that night: everyone gets dressed and heads over to Danny's house, with food in tow. I think Sammi is bringing what appears to be a blood and/or urine sample, which makes sense. We meet Lisa, Deena's best friend from home. Lisa has that look of low self-esteem that seems to only be cured, temporarily, by regular applications of random penis. Oh, there's also a large man named Jerry who can do the worm, which is impressive and terrifying. Snooki can ALSO do the worm, but she's worried about her vagina showing. Oh, Snooks. That's like shutting the barn door after all the cows have escaped. In this metaphor, by the way--you're the cow. Just making that clear. We also watch Deena grind up on Uncle Nino, which is sort of like inviting Rebecca Black on over to Hugh Hefner's house. Gross.
Uh-oh. There's a pinata. Snooki swings a bat around and everyone is all LOOK OUT and giggly. Meanwhile, I'm left wondering exactly how much candy is inside Snooki. One good whack and...Oh, hello! PREDICTION VALIDATED! Lisa and Vinny are making googly eyes at each other, and Deena is all NOOOOOOOOO. Vinny makes a frowny, droopy face, as his face takes on qualities of his penis. Deena is all SNOOKI LOVES YOU and Vinny is all NOT SCREWING THAT MOGWAI and Deena is all BLURRGH and then Vinny calls her a c-block and we all move on. Sammi and Ronnie also fight about Mike for some reason, and I think Sammi thinks Sitch and Ronnie are dating. Well, I think that. I really hope Ronnie's the big spoon in that relationship. Huh. .
Party over, back to the house. Deena and Vinny fight a little on the couch, and Vinny calls her ANGELINA! OH SNAP! REMEMBER THAT DIRTY HAMSTER?!?! ...me neither. Deena turns bright red and threatens to explode like a meaty balloon. Lisa looks awkward. But, in all fairness, I think her default face is awkward. There's a lot of yelling and blah blah blah c-block c-block pointy-pointy finger, and Deena waddles off.
The next day: Sitch apologizes to Sammi for all the drama. It's surprisingly heartfelt, but Sammi talking-heads that he's a mega-doosh--and then hugs him anyway. Oh, the honesty, the honesty. Deena and JWOWW and Awkward Lisa have breakfast, and talk about Angelina. Sigh. Then Awkward Lisa runs screaming back to legitimate society. Everyone goes to eat at Rivoli's, and I think Pauly has a sexual fantasy about some crumb cake. There's a love-fest at the table and maybe the fights are all over. Heh. Nope.
The gang returns home, cleans up, and heads back out. Snooki does a cartwheel and the entire house is exposed to her vagina, which has the same effects as standing too close to a microwave. Club time! Roger meets JWOWW there, and is all WILL YOU BE MY GIRLFRIEND!? and JWOWW is all UH-HUH and they're going steady and everyone else is all YAAAAAAAY HAVE BABIES. Uh. It's not a wedding. Don't pick out curtains yet. Most of us got this out of our system in seventh grade, but then again, when your genitals are used to being passed around like a syphilis-laden hot potato, a relationship is actually kinda a big deal. Mazel! And then, Snooki brings a very odd-looking man named Nick home. He has a long neck like a giraffe. I wish her well.
Back at the house, Nick sticks his hand in his pants and commands Snooki make her a grilled cheese. She obeys, and then they run off to the Smush Room. Porn music kicks up, and we see them initiate contact...as Snooki begins to describe the condition known as "whiskey ****" in which Nick's drunken penis slows everything down. Snooki is a big fan of whiskey ****. I am so sorry, America.
Roger and JWOWW talk about spooning, then forking, and I'm all YOU STOLE MY JOKE. Deena gets a random piggyback ride and shows the universe her cucha. Sammi and Ronnie have a fight on the walk back to the house that makes about as much sense as the rest of their conversations. So...it's nonsense. Ugh.
At the house, Roger calls his boss (DUCK PHONE COUNT: 2) and asks for a sick day, and JWOWW is all I CUT HIS BALLS OFF, HE'S MAH BOYFRIEND! Man, I really hope Roger's boss plays that message for the rest of the office tomorrow. The Sammi-Ronnie passive aggressive pissfest heats up, and they somehow end up yelling at each other in the bathroom. Ronnie is all I'M REAL, YOU'RE NOT! and then there's a series of amazing shots where Sammi is in the bathtub and we see Ronnie yelling and all we see is Sammi's hand and it looks like Ronnie is fighting with Thing from The Addams Family (THANK YOU, CLEVER EDITOR!). We also then get a series of shots of everyone else in the house listening in, and in Sitch's case, dramatically interpreting the fight via sock puppets in real-time (MARRY ME, CLEVER EDITOR!). Ronnie runs outside with Sitch, crying hysterically. Sitch calms him down with a tender, gentle kiss, with a surprising amount of tongue. It's the little things.
Vinny is drunk/hungover at the same time, and Deena makes him a double-serving of grilled cheese. Deena has brought home a tall friend, who Vinny names "Tree." Adorable. Morning arrives, and Roger leaves for work as we find out that JWOWW DOES NOT USE SHEETS ON HER SKANKY BED. WHAAAAAAT. The gang gathers in the living room and watches the dogs poop on the rug. Sitch, in a moment of clarity, describes the rug as a metaphor for Sam and Ron's relationship. He should really teach a high school English class. Sammi and Ronnie then break up, again (again?!) while chatting on some outdoor furniture that appears curiously non-weatherproof. Seriously, it looks like my living room set, yet it's outdoors. I am so confused. The fact that I'm stuck on FURNITURE is a clear sign that this show has fried all the actual, logical parts of my brain, to the point of non-functionality. So, there's that. Ronnie is all "I need my space." And I think we're actually done with that.
Everyone hangs out and taunts the dogs, who look terrified and growly. Pack-up time. Snooki makes a WAAAAAUGH noise, and then climbs into a suitcase and zips herself in. Yep. That happened. Lots of hugging, smush smush smush. Vinny and Snooki have a moment, where they acknowledge that SOMETHING may happen in the future. Oh, there's also a big green bloated thing in the background of Snooki's talking-head footage. No one seems to notice, besides me. Did I lick a toad or something? Anyway, time to go. Pauly gingerly takes his clothes downstairs to his car, and then Deena kicks her zebra-striped bag down the stairs. Classy. Snooki lets us know that she and Deena are running for president together.
Uh, let's just end on that. Thanks for reading, everybody! See you next week for the reunion, and in a few short months, as the disease spreads to Italy. Ciao!