Jersey Shore Watch: Boardwalk Of Shame

Previously on Jersey Shore: Snooki reproduced by mitosis and named her twin-child "Deena," and introduced her to the house via naked cowboy-hat private dance with The Situation, as is customary in this tribe. Also, Angelina was erased from existence because JWOWW went back in time and prevented her dad from standing up to Biff Tannen, or something. She's gone.

Tonight: We begin with JWOWW going into 'roid rage, as she tries to make a sock puppet out of Sammi's face. Vinny tries to break it up, while the rest of the cast grabs some popcorn and places some bets. Lots of annoying yelling about how Sammi's a slut, and Ronnie's a man-whore, and yip-yip-yip, and then Snooki washes her hands of the whole thing. Way to be the bigger person, Snooks. Uh, I mean, figuratively. Because seriously. You're like three-foot-nine. I think you were born standing on some phone books.

Sammi and Ronnie recover, and decide to just go to bed. The rest of the gang choose FUN, and Snooki announces the joyful part of the evening with a rowdy Vomit-Burp. Deena and Snooki mount a hammock together, and Snooki lets us know that her lady-parts are out. She only shines that as a signal of distress, boys. It's like her bat-signal. That said, it looks like she's distressed...a lot. The next morning, Sitch talks to Ronnie about how they're a family, and Ronnie's all YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER, and then the boys go to the gym, and Sammi comes along, and the girls go tanning, and that's the day. The girls call Sammi a "backpack." I don't understand. I just don't understand.

The boys debate the finer points of Deena's breasts, and whether or not boobs are full of milk or fat. Public education has failed you. All of you. And all of us, apparently. Oh my God.The girls primp. The boys make noises about Snooki's hairy posterior, meaning they've obviously mistaken the oompa-loompa for a hobbit. A hairspray cloud gives everyone a brief contact high, and JWOWW thanks God that none of them have Asthma. Yes, J. There's one disease on WebMD you don't have. That's one. One.

Club time. JWOWW jiggles at...something. The boys are being stalked by a moderately creepy girl. I giggle with glee and hope she's going to skin Pauly and turn him into a hoodie. But that's not what happens. I'm crestfallen. Vinny calls her a parasite, and calls himself the host. Vinny should know, because...y'know what? I'm better than this joke. Next. Vinny's attention shifts to two teeny girls making out in front of him. He makes the same face I do when I log into my ETRADE account; mild amusement, slightly happy noises, general disappointment and confusion. Sorry, blondies 1 and 2; college lesbianism was worn-out long before Katy Perry got her...hands on it.

Back at the house, the women plop down on soft furniture. JWOWW calls her boy-thing Tom, and tells her she lost her favorite bracelet. She looks sort of sad, in the same way Tori Spelling's sort of an actress. Snooki yells for her across the house: "BOOO BOOOOO. BOOOO BOOOOO." This makes Snooki...Yogi Bear? I'm so confused. Quick, someone beat her senseless with a picnic basket. Anyway, JWOWW gets distracted, and Tom wishes her a "happy anniversary" in an explosion of passive-aggressive rage. JWOWW says "woopsie" and goes all HULK SMASH on the phone.

Back at the club, the boys have selected their conquests from the dance harem. The Situation and Vinny have claimed the same girl. Sitch, ever the math wiz, tells us "there's two dudes, and one chick." I feel like this is quickly turning into an after-hours movie on a different network. Vinny proves to be the master of this game, and sneaks off with the girl and LOCKS THE DOOR. The canoodling commences, and The Situation wanders off for the kitchen, where he realizes he's stuck with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Uh, 1) that's not a sexual term, it's an actual sandwich, and 2) he actually eats it, instead of having sex with it. Deena's all "well, there's me," and he looks at his sandwich and pretends the last fifteen seconds didn't happen.

Daybreak:Ronnie and Sammi realize they're terrible people, and go to church to scrub their insides clean. Deena forces Snooki out of bed by lying to her and saying it's 3 in the afternoon, which leads to some sort of mini-fight. The Situation calls a house meeting, and says that R and S stole the car (?) to go out in the morning without the gang, which is a major inconvenience for some reason. And he promises they will be reprimanded...uh, what are punishments in this household like? Does someone get spanked by a nun? Because I missed that episode.

Family dinner time. These things happen: Pauly speaks of his love for "Filay Mig-nen" (think about it), Deena says she can cook, but not so much, and Sammi and Ronnie (SamiRon...I'm calling it!) go out for food, shunning the rest of the tribe. Everyone else goes into a tizzy, and Snooki claims Ronnie not waking Sitch up for "gym time" as a mortal sin. I think I just felt something in my brain break. Vinny tells us that being separated from SamiRon at family dinner is a first, and a "profound moment." That word, Vinny. Profound. I do not think it means what you think it means. Meanwhile, we watch Sammi and Ronnie eat somewhere, and Ronnie sucks mightily on a straw as if he's practiced it all his life. No comment.

Sammi returns, holding a giant banana. Again, not a euphemism. Actually a big banana. No one finds this weird. It's barely referenced. I feel like I'm in the middle of an episode of Twin Peaks. Sammi and Ronnie sit down. Someone drops this gem: "You can't just walk in here with a giant banana and expect everything to be peaches." Uh...Pauly sits in a ball, looking sad, sort of like this chimp I once saw at the zoo. Sammi asks what's wrong; Pauly says "nothin'," which is only the fifty-seventh most fallacious thing I've seen on this episode.

More sulking...and we're off to the t-shirt shop, where the entire gang fake-begs for jobs. Ho-Hum. Snooki chats with her housemates about having a Sammi-Intervention; JWOWW says she no longer cares. OOOOOOOH me too, J! Sigh, we're besties again.The gang hangs out and acts goofy, while Ronnie and Sammi pout and look out windows, and Ronnie talking-heads that he misses his boys. You never forget your first, Ron.

First day of work, and The Situation disappears, leaving hardworking Vinny to sling t-shirts all on his own. Sitch eats a bacon sandwich. Yawn. Deena and Snooki play with a big kickball, and it sort of looks something two gerbils would do to pass the time between feeding. Suddenly, the ball bounces off the roof, exiled to a nearby ledge. AAAAAAAAH, screams Snooki. "Thank Jesus, I'm free," whispers the ball. Vinny appears from...somewhere, and constructs an apparatus out of beer funnels and twine to save the kickball. I wish I was making up that part. I'm not. What is wrong with the universe? I'm so sorry, America.

Primp time...again. Ronnie and Sammi are joining the gang for boardwalkin', which leads to all sorts of crazy snippy drama. Snooki is wearing something that is eighty percent cowboy hat and twenty percent fireman's helmet, and bright pink, and something is profoundly wrong with her. See, Vinny. "Profound." That's how you use it. Ronnie loves hanging out with his boys again; they run around and wrestle and horseplay and stick their tongues in each others ears while joyfully fondling their pectoral muscles. Sammi has a puss-face on the whole time, and looks like she wants to die. It's so nice that we want the same things, Sammi. Stop being such a douchebaguette.

Sammi picks a fight with Ronnie. Ronnie tells us that she doesn't always have to "be up his ass," which betrays a frightening amount of information about his relationship with the boys AND his relationship with Sammi. Close your eyes, think of England, Ron. Everyone goes back to the house, and Sammi gives Ronnie the silent treatment. FLASHBACK TO MIAMI, where Ronnie licks a baker's dozen worth of nubile young females. "We've come a long way since then," says Ronnie. There's a joke in there; I'm not going to make it. He says he's not proud of what he did. Sammi cries and cries and calls him a liar. Ronnie's all GET OVER IT and they start yelling, and they're wrapped in leopard print sheets which makes this the funniest thing I've ever seen. "I'm sick," says Sammi, staring at the bedspread.

Me too, Sammi. The sheets clash with the rest of the room. I wanna vom, too.

Oh, hey. We're done for this week. Next week, Sammi and Snooki kiss and make up, and something happens to Snooki's lady parts while riding a bike. Also, it's on a Monday, which really weirds me out. Well, friendlies--see you then. Be kind to one another. I'll be right here, if you need a good cry.

See you in four short days...