Previously on Jersey Shore: Sammi left, Ron thought about leaving, and a crocodile got lynched outside Snooki's window. Moving on...
This week: Snooki's man-quest awakes in her bed...and we realize that SNOOKI DOES NOT USE SHEETS. This is somehow the grossest thing I now know about her, and I feel like most of America is on a first-name basis with her lady bits. So, that's saying something. The man-quest is kicked out of the house for a lack of cuddling, and Snooki tells JWOWW and the dogs that her vagina is killing her. Well, think about what it's doing to us...anyway, Snooki picks up the duck-phone and orders the delivery of another man, named Nick, after work that night. Hey! It's just like pizza delivery...but with extra sausage. See what I did there? Pauly does his best alarm clock and yells at Deena to wake up because it's T-SHIRT (sales) TIME. Deena shoots Pauly this look that pretty much says "You're not my father, don't yell at me!" and I sort of wonder what her home life is like, just for a second. Then I realize her home life is probably living in a magical tree, making cookies with the other magical tiny creatures. Girl is short, yo. Pauly, Sitch and Deena walk to work, and Deena keeps uncomfortably adjusting her short-short shorts. Great, now I'm uncomfortable.
Ronnie calls his daddy on the duck (TWO APPEARANCES BY DUCK-PHONE THUS FAR!), and asks for Daddy to come pick him up because the kids are being mean to him. On the boardwalk, Sitch and Pauly decide to play some skee-ball to try and win a teeny motorcycle. This is somehow made funnier by the fact that there's a little person with a blurred-out face watching the whole thing happen. This means, somehow, that a tiny little man without a shirt on wanted to watch these jackholes play skee-ball, but was embarrassed to appear on television with them and didn't sign the waiver...oh, CLEVER EDITOR, thank you for giving us the blurry-face wee person, next to a teeny red bike. A hundred dollars worth of skee-ball later, and Sitch (sporting a terrible haircut, btw, as if a badger had crawled onto his head and died, mid-hump) picks up tiny-bike in triumph. The little person, however, remains behind. Nuts. I was hoping they were won as a package deal. Anyway--a hundred dollars worth of skee-ball...where I come from, that's FOUR HUNDRED ROUNDS of skee-ball. How bad, exactly, is Sitch's hand-eye coordination?
Ronnie meets with Daddy and blah blah blah. Sitch and Pauly ride around the house on tiny-bike. Cut to Snooki obsessively calling her potential booty call (DUCK PHONE COUNT: 3) wearing horrific green slippers. They're baby-vomit green. Between her slippers and her skin-tone, Snooks is pretty much a walking St. Pat's Parade. Think about it. JWOWW calls another friend (DUCK PHONE COUNT: 4) and realizes that Gianni, last night's man-quest, is Nick's (tonight's man-quest) cousin. Ronnie is amused, JWOWW is horrified, Snooki is all *shrug, a penis is a penis.* Keepin' it in the family, Snooki. Class-ay.
Vinny continues to battle the demon toilet, which has been clogged for what feels like thirty-six weeks. He pushes and pumps and hems and haws and just can't get that hole unclogged...you know what, I want to make a Snooki's V joke here, and I'm not going to. How about you just write your own in this space? _______ Okay, so we're past that now. The boys decide to call Snooki a slut for bringing home family members, and I arch one eyebrow and say "uhm, hi. He who lives in a glass house...goes to the bathroom in the basement. Know what I mean, Vin?" What I'm saying is Vinny's a himbo. We know this. Double standard. Leave the oompaloompette alone.
Out to the club: JWOWW talks to a potential man-quest about Roger, her sorta-boyfriend, who hasn't been around for almost a week. Everyone gets crunked and plays musical chairs, but with beds, and I think I see Deena eat half a roll of toilet paper, and then Snooki and Vinny get in bed together...but Vinny doesn't want to cuddle. Snooki looks legit sad-ified. Pauly tells Vinny that he should smoosh her. Vinny is all "I care about her too much to sex her." I may have thrown a coffee mug at the screen at this point.
Ronnie calls Sammi (DUCK PHONE COUNT: 5) and BLAH BLAH BLAH I HATE THESE TWO. Deena and Snooki attach marshmallows to the ceiling and rest of the house decoratively, and mostly I'm confused, because they're each like 2 feet tall. How many phonebooks do they have to stand on to reach the ceiling? Sitch gives someone a call (DUCK PHONE COUNT: 6) and looks with confusion at the marshmallow apocalypse before him. Sitch continues the prank-war of last episode by calling a cab for the girls to send them to Times Square instead of a nearby destination...I don't understand. Then Snooki faux-humps Deena, Sitch eats some Ritz crackers, and then Snooki and Dee get in the cab. Snooki and Deena flirt with the older, bearded cabbie, and offer to show him their...I can't finish this sentence. It doesn't happen. He gets on the highway. The girls begin to understand they've been had. Then, the boys leave for the dinner without Sitch--DOUBLE PRANK, OH-HO. After kvetching to JWOWW, Sitch and the dogs climb into the car and take a ride. I think the small dog also bites Sitch, which means doggy is my new best friend. Then Sitch has a wee nervous breakdown and has a "family dinner" all by himself, complete with conversation, which is sad and horrifying. I think he's kidding, but I'm also pretty sure he's not.
Sammi decides to return to the house: "I think you grow when you have some time to yourself." Uh. Hasn't she been gone for all of twenty minutes? She says goodbye to her family, and then mutters something about her "cucha" as she climbs into her car. Okay. Meanwhile, Deena and Snooki are freaking out on their way into the city, and Snooki tells us that "she swears on her cat's grave," she'll never speak to Mike again. Does her cat ACTUALLY have a grave? With a l'il headstone and everything? Deena decides to start referring to herself as "The Meatballs," which I presume was some sort of nickname prior to her obvious gender reassignment surgery. Vinny burps for like seventeen minutes straight, and then talking-heads that he's bloated and crampy. Pauly reveals that he got Sitch some takeout (such a devoted wife) and then the girls return. There's all sorts of yelling and Snooki goes all Rosie Perez on the boys, and then Vinny and Snooki cuddle in bed, because clearly that'll solve everything. Everyone's happy for a moment and there's some pre-gaming and light food-fighting and then...Sammi returns home. It's sort of like when everything's going well, and then you notice that first cold sore on your lip, before the full-on Herpes outbreak to come...
Annnnnnd that's all. Ho-hum, gang. See you in seven! Be good.