This season on The Jersey Shore:...Stuff happened. Someone left. People turned orange, then oranger. Miami learned that the Garden State is an awful place. And we all learned, somehow, to love again.
This week's episode:We start with a trip into the Florida Everglades, and Snooki says she's excited to see the "Crocodillies." I shout at the screen, "THEY'RE IN THE BOAT, GATORS! FEAST! FEAST!" but no one hears me. Ronnie shrieks like a ten-year old girl about a bug "the size of Snooki," and then we have an inexplicable meal out. The whole gang eats frog's legs. JWOWW tells us how disgusting frogs are because they're slimy and eat flies. YOU LIVE WITH SNOOKI, woman. She's like a sunset-colored iguana with a farting problem. Double standard, my shemale-riffic friend.
We move on to the GREAT EXODUS, part one. The Situation throws up the frog's legs in the SUV, which is only like the seventh most disgusting bodily fluid he's sprayed in that car. I really hope he has dysentery, but no. No he does not. Pauly and Vinny want to meet up one last time with their girls, which I think means they just want to stare gently into one anothers' eyes and quietly observe each others' adams apples. Anyway, Ramona's way late again, and then she finally calls. Vinny says he doesn't understand monogamy, and his genitals are all like IT BURNNNNNNNNNS. So, he and Ramona go out on a date, but Vinny's like "I knew you were gonna come," which is a phrase that sounds like it's had some practice in his mouth. Yeah, think about it.
Anyway, Vinnys all THIS IS THE END, and Ramona looks sort of noncommittal about the whole thing. It's like Vinny's never heard the term "long distance relationship." Well, we know he doesn't understand the third word in there. I would really love to know what his PSAT score was. Anyway, Pauly and his girl chat, and then they make out, which looks about as natural as Andy Dick making out with ...anything. Ronnie and Sammi chat, and Sammi demands to know what's on his mind. Ronnie almost answers honestly with "my hair," but then just sort of drools into his lunch, instead. Sammi says the night is ruined, Ronnie wants an apology for something, and the fight escalates from there. Sammi snorts a little and maybe Ronnie flings a little poo or grooms her for ticks. It's all very confusing.
The fight goes on and on, and everyone else wants to go the club. The Situation commands Snooki to get Ronnie and Sammi, and Snooki makes some sort of refusal noise that sounds like "krrrrrrrbllfffttnniigle." Eventually, they make their way out to the club, where RonnieSammiPocalypse continues, but has to be subtitled because A CLUB IS NO PLACE FOR A DEEP CONVERSATION. Ronnie hears Sammi apologize, or maybe she just says she wants to give him a rectal exam with a tennis shoe. Really, who could tell over all that music? Whatever. Smiles. Happy ending.
Snooki plays with a stripper pole, which is sort of like a hamster wheel for whatever species of rodent she comes from. Vinny makes out with two grenades, which he muses sort of equal one good looking girl. He gives us the priceless "say no to hos," which is about as close to Nancy Reagan as I think he's ever gonna get.
The Situation flags down his favorite skankette du jour, and soon they're in the bathroom doing...something. The Sitch loves bathrooms as canoodle-spots. It's a shitty place to hook up, Sitchy. See what I did there?
Later on, JWOWW cleans out the fridge, and dumps out some nasty looking tupperware. It's orangish-brown, lumpy and nondescript...JWOWW! Don't throw it out! It's what a "Snooki" looks like in infancy! Oh...too late. That fridge was ga-ross. Snooki tells Vinny she wants to see him cook naked, which is sort of boring as the dehumanizing sex-talk on this show goes. Snooki is all sorts of pissed off about cooking. Sammi shows up to help complete with oodles of sarcasm, and I sort of hope she's going to knife the little oompette and stick her in a taco. But, when that doesn't happen, I get all frowny, and Snooki and JWOWW go off to have a chat about Sammi. JWOWW says Sammi has no girl-friends, and has no idea how to treat them. JWOWW, I beg to differ. Remember when she braided your back hair, and trimmed your goatee, and...oh. I see what you mean.
Everyone sits down for dinner. The Situation keeps yapping about some sort of awards, and then Sammi speaks for us all and says WHO GIVES A ****? I would kiss that girl, if it wouldn't cause some sort of allergic reaction. The gang moves to the couch and plays a lively gang of "most likely to...," in which we learn that The Sitch can't spell "likely." Vinny is deemed a follower for adopting the ways of the GTL, and the Sitch is called Tanorexic. Almost clever. It's yawn-inducing. it's like my family's game night, with thirteen more instances of potential melanoma. Snooki tells us about the girl code and how it doesn't apply to The Situation, which makes me happy because she's finally learned about the differences between boys and girls.
The girls decide that Pauly and Vinny are the fakest people in the house, which is sort of like choosing who's got the most falloffingest parts at a leper colony. Somehow, The Sitch gossips it back to Pauly, and a big fight starts, It's loud and long and boring, like Gilbert Gotfried playing a round of golf. Pauly gets SUPER SHOUTY and the veins in his neck start pounding and I sort of want to spray mace at my television, just in case.
Pauly keeps yelling and the fight gets worse and I understand nothing. It's like watching a soap opera in a foreign language, starring a bunch of waxy crayon-people. It eventually turns into a cry-fight between Snooki and JWOWW about the last night in the house and everyone hating Snooki, and JWOWW's all "EVERYONE DOESN'T HATE YOU!" and then the universe, God, and I raise our hands and are all "...Uhm, actually..."--and then that's sort of over. Snooki complains how stressed she is, and how her blood pressure is "off the roof," and I wish I could convince her to go off a roof somewhere.
Vinny's concerned that the girls no longer trust him. Then he shrugs, and Snooki continues to cry. Everyone listens from the other room and yawns. See? Even the histrionic moments of this show have become boring. It's time to leave Miami, gang.
The Situation goes to console a reclining Snooki, and it looks like he's trying to whisper sweet nothings to a hot dog. Somehow, it works, and everyone decompresses.
Finally, everyone goes to bed, and there's like nine percent less sex than expected. The next morning, Sitch cooks breakfast and I think my cholesterol goes up ten points just by watching. We get a packing montage, and there's pickles, and JWOWW squatting in a sundress, and Sammi and Ronnie deciding to stay together. So, that's a series of bad decisions right there. Snooki notices a huge black crow above them, and she says it starts "quacking" at them. Snooki clearly had a broken speak n' spell as a child. "The crow goes..."--what, Snooki, what does the crow "go?" Then, everyone leaves. "Wow," says Sitch. "It's really over." Say it like you mean it, Mike. No, on second thought, don't.
Then, everyone drives off, Miami breathes a sigh of relief, and the decontamination begins. And I mist up a little. Or maybe that's just the vaseline on the lens.
One final haiku:
Oh my, It's over.
My life will be less orange, now.
Also, less Herpes.
Thanks for joining me, friends. It's been fun. See you for season three, back in Jersey, before you know it. Til then--use protection, tan naturally, and pump gas, not fists.
Enjoy the fall!
