Jersey Shore Watch: Smoosh and Tell

Previously on Jersey Shore: Sammi Ronnie Sammi Ronnie Sammi Ronnie Fight Smoosh Cheat Sneak Smoosh Cry Cry Smoosh Fight BLUUUUUUUURGH. Cheese in bed. Animal abuse. Pedicures. Annnnnd scene.

This week: Back to the SamiRon fight. Ronnie is all YOU CHEATED ON ME, and Sammi cries and cries and I think she's wearing crime scene tape on her butt. "I'm sorry I hit him up," she says. Ronnie asks her what she'd do if their positions were swapped: "I'd kill her," Sammi says. And then her eyes go all googly and she foams from the mouth a little. Oh, hey, let's go on over to Deena, who is somehow trapped inside a cardboard box and giggling like a madwoman. She rolls around the floor. You know, Deena, you make those nasty little ratdogs of JWOWW's look like MENSA members. Giggle giggle giggle. She's also wearing a pink velour tracksuit, which makes the whole thing seem like someone is trying to fed-ex a Real Housewife somewhere as a gift, and it's somehow gone horribly wrong. Then Ronnie breaks up with Sammi. Or maybe not. Uh, we're all stuck inside Groundhog Day and it's not cool, gang.

The next day, the girls head off to the t-shirt shop, and it's Deena's last day! She's wearing a license plate on her sweatshirt, which makes me sort of want to ram a car into her. Weird. Danny is all YOU'RE A TERRIBLE EMPLOYEE, DEENA and Deena is all I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WORK FOR A LIVING. This is why the french revolted, D. Look it up. Eat some cake.

Vinny takes Snooki out to a restaurant where you can make your own let me get this straight. You pay people to let you cook meat. We call that "my kitchen with a cover charge." Vinny describes his latest smooshathon partner and Snooki is all I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU. When...did this show turn into a leathery version of She's All That? . They cuddle as they walk home. Vinny's butt reads FREE WEEZY. Snooki's reads GO HARD. I got nothin', America. Nothin'.

Vinny decides to get something pierced. I rattle off a list of ridiculous options, but Vinny decides on the sensible ears. Pauly is all MY BOY IS BECOMING A MAN, and I really want to sit these kids down and show them a high school health film strip. Vinny: "I'm scared, I don't know what it feels like," and I really sort of want to let that line stand on it's own a minute. ...Okay. So he gets a few new holes, and suddenly he's walking like a pimp. Well, that happened.

Deena is wearing a denim jumpsuit, which leads the boys to sing the Super Mario Bros. theme. I don't understand that, but i don't understand the denim, either. It's like she bought it from the "petite harlots" section of her local OshKosh B'Gosh. So, let's go out to the clubs. Pauly's stalker Danielle is there, and asks Vinny if he wants to "be beat up by an Israeli chick." Vinny...does not answer. Pauly tells us that Danielle is the only thing that scares him in Seaside. She nods her head at that, and her adams apple throbs with approval.

Back at the house, Sammi and Ronnie eat some sandwiches and continue their vicious spiral meltdown o' fun. They feed each other some food, do some dishes, and then each other. Okay then.

A girl throws herself at Pauly and is all I KNOW I'M A GRENADE, BUT DO ME. Vinny is all MMMMM TEMPTING BUT NO. Then, they meet the mother of all old lady who likes to party. Pauly deems her the atomic bomb. CLEVER EDITOR makes the camera shake and adds some splodey noises. Let's dance and grind some more...then, Pauly grabs a handful of grenades and takes them back to the house. Sitch is in the kitchen, eating what looks like styrofoam. Suddenly, the brother of one of the grenadettes shows up, and Vinny's libido fades away, like a sweet memory of a dream long forgotten. Sad. Then I think Vinny buys sister-grenade for a handful of beans or something. It's very confusing, but I'm eighty percent sure some light prostitution occurs. Next scene.

Snooki shows up and is all I HAVE FEELINGS and Vinny makes fun of her and she goes all slappy and they drunkenly wrestle on the back porch, like two alcoholic, orange whales trying desperately to beach themselves on one another. Vinny then dry humps her while she looks bored. Oh, then there's a rap battle. Vinny falls down. It's like watching 8 Mile after huffing some spraypaint. Everyone goes to bed mad.

The next day--Sitch falls asleep in the stockroom at work, and then threatens to fire him. Oh, then he does fire him. Mike picks his wedgie. That's over.

Sammi tells the girls about her smooshing with Mr. Ron. Ron takes her to the doctor because her eyes have gook in them or something, and then Deena receives a phone call from Ronnie's mom (DUCK PHONE COUNT: One) who tells her she loves Deena (...?) and then drunkenly tells her she's tan. Deena is all UHHHHH and passes the phone to JWOWW and they kibbitz about SamiRon drama. Finally, the phone ends up in Mike's hands, and he explains to Drunky McRon'smom the whole Sammi and the other guy thing. Uh oh.

JWOWW tells Sammi this, and Sammi goes nuts, but it's the boring kind of nuts. Insert shot of a seagull eating a crab. Drunky McRon'smom blabs to Ronnie about what scum Sammi is, and then Ronnie hangs up the duck on her (hee!). There's a big house debate about what is and isn't cheating, and blaaaaaah blah blah. Mike continues to stir up some drama and it's sort of like he's trying to sell us all a used Kia Sorento. Oh, then there's a big fight for five minutes. It's loud and shouty and boring, like Thanksgiving at my boyfriend's family's house. Oh, then Sammi breaks up with Ron. And we all go to be and wake up and it's still February 2...GET ON WITH IT, KIDS!

Next week: Sitch continues to play Sherlock Holmes and snoop around Sammi...and this time he FINDS SOMETHING. Ooooooooooooooo. Burn. Yawn. See you next week, poppets!